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26th Aug 2015

Ranking the Premier League managers according to their Wu-Tang Clan names…

Premier League managers ain't nuthing ta f**k wit...

Kevin Beirne

If you haven’t already found out your Wu-Tang name, you need to go here immediately.

Happy with your new name? It’s no ‘Fearless Bastard’, but hey, some of us were just born cool.

After having a play with the Wu-Tang name generator, it struck us that it might be fun/pointless (delete as applicable) to give new titles to the 20 Premier League managers.

So that’s exactly what we did – and here they are, ranked from worst to best…

20. Mauricio Pochettino – Tottenham Hotspur

Wu Tang Spurs

We have no idea what this is supposed to mean. According to Google, Swami is an honorific title given to a Hindu religious teacher. Not exactly the first thing that comes to mind when you think of the Spurs boss.

19. Garry Monk – Swansea City

Wu Tang Swansea

If your Wu-Tang name is the same as the praise your teachers wrote on your report card, you probably don’t have much street cred.

18. Quique Flores – Watford

Wu Tang Watford

While this certainly carries more clout than “amazing pupil”, it’s still the kind of name that won’t get you in a gang any rougher than the Bash Street Kids.

17. Steve McClaren

Wu Tang Newcastle

The idea of an erratic demon would normally inspire fear in the opposition, but the intimidation factor quickly disappears when you remember what that erratic behaviour is…

16. Ronald Koeman – Southampton

Wu Tang Southampton

The unlucky desperado sounds like a wannabe cowboy who keeps shooting himself in the leg whenever he tries to draw his gun from its holster.

15. Slaven Bilic – West Ham

Wu Tang West Ham

Besides telling us something we didn’t need to know about Slaven Bilic’s sex life, there’s not much in this one.

14. Brendan Rodgers – Liverpool

Wu Tang Liverpool

While Rodgers will likely be happy with his “tuffness”, the wanderer title implies that he’s not really sure where he’s leading the Reds.

13. Tim Sherwood – Aston Villa

Wu Tang Aston Villa

We can definitely see Sherwood telling his mates that he’s “mad professional” when he’s at work before knocking back another jaegerbomb.


12. Claudio Ranieri – Leicester City

Wu Tang Leicester

The Mad Artist is working his magic so far as Leicester are unbeaten in the league. Let’s see if it lasts.

11. Tony Pulis – West Brom

Wu Tang West Brom

We’re going to give the benefit of the doubt here and assume this is an ironic nickname.

10. Jose Mourinho – Chelsea

Wu Tang Chelsea

Jose Mourinho is such a polarising character that it’s hard to find a word that hasn’t been used to describe him yet – but we’re pretty sure nobody’s ever called the Special One a Swami.

9. Arsene Wenger – Arsenal

Wu Tang Arsenal

While not the least bit intimidating, it certainly feels like an apt description of the Frenchman’s last few years at Arsenal.

Birmingham City v Arsenal - Premier League

8. Eddie Howe – Bournemouth

Wu Tang Bournemouth

We criticised Brendan Rodgers for lacking direction, but here Eddie Howe combines the wanderer moniker with the intellectual tag which turns him into a travelling sage.

7. Roberto Martinez – Everton

Wu Tang Everton

This is probably the best description we’ve ever seen of how the form of Roberto Martinez’s teams can fluctuate so wildly from week to week.

6. Alex Neil – Norwich

Wu Tang Norwich

Norwich are going to need some magic to stay up this year, so it makes sense to hire a Phantom Worlock – whatever that may be.

5. Mark Hughes – Stoke City

Wu Tang Stoke

After years of being the butt of countless jokes about their physical style of football, Mark Hughes has got Stoke playing some zexy football once more.

4. Louis van Gaal – Manchester United

Wu Tang Man United

We simply can’t imagine calling him anything else from now on.

3. Alan Pardew – Crystal Palace

Wu Tang Crystal Palace

If there’s one manager in the league who could pull this name off, it’s Pardew.

2. Manuel Pellegrini – Manchester City

Wu Tang Man City

Arrogant Madman may seem like a negative thing to say about someone, but it’s one of the highest compliments you can pay a Premier League manager.

1. Dick Advocaat – Sunderland

Wu Tang Sunderland

You’re goddamn right he is. Only a respected bastard could get away with putting his entire team up for sale.