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09th Apr 2015

10 Premier League teams, 10 movies which best describe their campaigns


If you don’t like spoilers this probably isn’t for you…

Chelsea – Inception

After returning to Stamford Bridge, Jose Mourinho implanted the idea into Roman Abramovich’s head that they were actually best friends and the Chelsea owner wanted to give him whatever transfer kitty he asked for.


Then, after his first attempt failed, Jose went further into the deepest recesses of Abramovich’s mind. The result? Diego Costa and Cesc Fabregas arrived to all but guarantee the title.

This is an interesting watch. It makes you wonder how powerful the mind is and how things, life even, can be moulded in the image you desire.

Arsenal – Dead Poets Society

Wonderfully hopeful at the beginning and characterised by delusions of grandeur.

Dead Poets Society

It’s an inspirational poetic journey and, even when you think it’s slowing up, we learn so much from the insightful professor.

Ultimately though, just when you think it’s building to an ‘ain’t life grand’ crescendo, the lead goes and kills himself out of nowhere leaving nothing but a trail of shock and heartbreak for viewers.

You still come away with goosebumps…but also a heck of a lot of disappointment.

Manchester United – Rocky III

Who said the new brand wouldn’t work?

Louis van Gaal has taken all of your criticism square on the chin and is still unmoved. He “ain’t breathing heavy”.

They said that United kept the ball too much, that it wasn’t the Fergie way.

They said he wasn’t getting the best out of his team. They even said he was no better than D***d M***s.

But with seven games remaining, United sit comfortably in third, two points above their finishing place last season.

Like Rocky’s physical and mental journey alongside Apollo Creed in California, United have had to learn how to box all over again. It wasn’t natural, it wasn’t what they’re used to but it was Apollo’s creed and a way back from the humiliation.

Manchester City – Jeepers Creepers

Oh, the horror.

This actually started off alright. It was intriguing, it tricked you into thinking it might be a decent watch…before it falls off a cliff and loses the plot right at the point when the real action should be starting.

Manuel Pellegrini previously knew how to put on an attractive production, but somewhere along the line he lost his magic touch…and ended up with this atrocity.

Liverpool – 300: Rise of an Empire

A heroic but doomed attempt to return without its star man and replicate the original.


This sequel spent too long trying to wow us with technical explanations but, finally, when Brendan Rodgers shut the hell up the film got going. And it was gripping viewing.

However, with the original cast all killed off, answering the critics proved too much of a challenge, with the story ending in bitter disappointment.

Tottenham – Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

Mauricio Pochettino may finally have broken his vow of English silence, but he’s not as witty as Butch. He is as handsome, though, we’ll give him that.


This is a thrilling ride. So many close encounters, too many late escapes, and as many twists and turns as you’d expect to see on a Tim Sherwood touchline camera.

Spurs are refusing to give up the ghost and they will go down fighting like they always do. Ultimately though, they are going down.

Everton – The Damned United

“I wanted to win it better.”

The Damned United

For some reason, Roberto Martinez was lauded last season when the reality is he didn’t achieve anything more than Moyesie. Everton kept the ball a bit more but ultimately failed to break into the top four or get their hands on silverware.

It might not have been the immediate ‘you’ll never be welcome here’ reception Brian Clough received at Leeds but some Toffees fans are starting to wonder whether they’re really better off with the Spaniard at the helm.

Newcastle – Cheaper by the Dozen

Mike Ashley isn’t interested in democracy.

A healthier bank balance leads to a stronger, happier family…although try convincing the crowds at St. James’ Park.

Ashley has ploughed ahead with his vision (whatever that may be) and dragged the Newcastle family with him but, yet again, he’s left with a chaotic mess at his feet.

It’s only a matter of time before he has to routinely begin cleaning house. Sadly there wasn’t a brilliant cameo from Joe Kinnear on this occasion.

Aston Villa – Any Given Sunday

“Three minutes until the biggest battle of our professional lives” – we can certainly picture Tim Sherwood saying this every week.

Any Given Sunday

“On this team we fight for that inch. On this team we tear ourselves and everyone else around us to pieces for that inch. We crawl with our finger nails for that inch.”

Pashun. That’s all Sherwood wants. That’s all he needs.

He’s trying to recreate Tony d’Amato with a gilet and a down-to-earth, banter-merchant, people-person persona.

Villa are in hell right now and he needs to inspire them to climb back out.

Randy Lerner is obviously Cameron Diaz.

Leicester City – Falling Down

Michael Douglas is Nigel Pearson in this depiction of an ordinary guy reaching the end of his tether with the modern world. And exploding.

Falling Down

You fear every question from the media is the last straw for the Leicester boss. Every unfortunate goal they ship and deserved points they miss out on is just another burden on his shoulders and a nudge towards finally cracking up.

Nothing will go right for Leicester and, what’s worse, is that most of the time it isn’t their doing. Any man would struggle to let it slide off his back.