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25th May 2024

‘I’ve started separating my finances from my husband because he won’t stop giving his parents money’

Ryan Price

Is she doing the right thing?

A Reddit user has opened about having ‘separate finances’ from her husband after he continuously gave money to his parents.

The post was submitted into the popular Am I The Asshole thread on the public forum, and has so far received almost two thousand comments.

The woman who shared the story, who goes by the username EmotionalYear1372 on the website, wrote: “Me and my husband have been together for over nine years and separating our finances never occurred to me until this past year.”

She continued: “I’m the saver and he’s the spender. In the beginning it didn’t bother me because we had two incomes and wasn’t rich but lived comfortably.

“His family has always “borrowed” money from us but rarely ever pay that money back. I personally don’t lend money not even to family but I do not stop him from lending to his,” she added.

“A few years ago my husband was in a bad car wreck and can no longer work so I became the sole breadwinner. He now gets disability but that was a four year process. In that time we dwindled our savings to nothing and came close to losing everything. Our debt mounted and there was nothing I could do.

“When he received his back pay I only asked him to pay off his vehicle a loan in which I’ve paid over 50 grand on in the last few years and put some in savings.

“He did neither. Instead he blew the money. Loaning over 10 grand to his family and paying nothing towards the debt we created.”

So far, you can see where the woman is coming from. It must be endlessly frustrating to constantly be saving and getting into a position where you’re financially comfortable, only for your partner to hand over a large sum of those savings to family without hesitation.

“During this time I was able to save some money from my paycheck but not much and had plans to pay some debts off once I have enough saved,” she added. “He knew I was saving to do this.

“About a month ago I noticed over 700 missing out our savings and I asked him what happened!?! He replied with I loaned it to my parents. I asked when he was going to receive it back because that money was already spent and I needed it. He said I don’t know when they can afford to.

“I blew up an lost my shit. He didn’t ask me, we didn’t speak about it. He did it behind my back because he knew it would piss me off and I would say no if he asked. We had a huge fight. I figured after that fight he would stop. But no…

“Yesterday I checked my account and another thousand dollars was gone. Gone where u ask? He gave it his parents. I’m so mad I see red.

“I flat out told him that as of today I’m done with his parents. I’ll pay half the household bills buy our food and that’s it. If he wants to lend all his disability to them fine but I’m not gonna go bust my ass 60 hours a week so he can keep giving our money away.

“So AITA for going to the bank and withdrawing all the money I put there and opening a new account he don’t have access to? He seems to think I am and says that I should want to make his parents happy. I would like to see them happy I just don’t want to pay for that happiness.”

The post had many responses, with most users siding with the woman and criticising her husband for being so reckless with their money.

The top comment, with over 16,000 up-votes came from a user by the name of @Pooperintendant.

They wrote: “NTA. You should have done that way sooner, if he is like that with money. It seems like he has no sense of how to handle money and no idea of what happen if you are in depts. Sounds like he has this from his parents/family – as they also always borrow money and never pay back.

“Separate your finances and also review your relationship, if your husband thinks so little about you. That he put his family way above you, and not even talk about you. But use you as an ATM for his family.”

Another user suggested that the wife should take a more ruthless approach.

They wrote: “NTA but if he’s at the point where he’s comfortable stealing money, then he is comfortable racking up credit cards and tanking your life together. Check your local laws and see if marital debt is shared. 

“As for the way forward your marriage will only survive if he put your finances first. Right now he is perfectly content letting you starve if it means he can fulfill his parent’s request. Two things need to happen. Marriage counseling and a meeting with a financial advisor. He may also need individual therapy to cut the financial cord.

“You also need to take a good hard look at yourself. What are you willing to put up with? What is your breaking point? Do you keep hitting your breaking point and still stay?”

Another person put it bluntly: “At this point I would consider separating.He doesn’t care and has no problem spending money that ain’t his. And his family are leeches. NTA.”

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