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28th June 2017
12:41pm BST
Last night, Love Island's cinematic prowess was shining brighter than those diamonds Rihanna sang about. In an exciting turn of events, it appears that the crew have purchased a drone and by Christ will they get their money's worth. At the top of the show, we were offered up this magnificent shot from above, which beautifully displays the staggering girth of the villa. Truly, she is a sight to behold, clocking in at a modest 4,000,000 acres in size. These kids are living in luxury for our entertainment and it's hard to argue with their deservedness.
However, as with any glimpse into something as private as a TV set, a number of concerns have emerged. Mainly, the unnecessary amount of lighting in that garden. At a glance, there's at least seventeen independent light sources in operation and that's likely to lead to an electrical fault of some description. Were the lights purchased on site, thereby complying with Spain's electricity regulations? Or were they, much like the islanders, imported from the UK? I won't rest until some answers are provided. The islanders are potentially at risk for our viewing pleasure.
2. Chris sleeps with his eyes open
We're 20 episodes into this series of Love Island and I, among others, am yet to see Chris close his eyes. Every shot of him in bed shows his piercing blue eyes staring blankly at a lifeless object, such as the wall, ceiling or Olivia. I have not seen his eyelids in their entirety yet and frankly, it is a very frightening and real concern. Why doesn't this man close his eyes? Has he got an allergy to his eyelids? Is he afraid he'll miss something? Has Chris ever slept before? Is he a vampire?
Lots of animals sleep with their eyes open, such as fruit bats, porpoises, dolphins, chickens and Chris. I've done some research and it's estimated that 10% of the population of the USA sleeps with their eyes open, so transferring that data to the UK equivalent, yes, it's likely that some people sleep with their eyes open, but it's very rare. Love Island is full of surprises. What are the chances that they managed to snag a member of Blazin' Squad AND a lad that sleeps with his eyes open? Viewers, we are being spoiled beyond belief.
3. Chris and Olivia revealed themselves to be the type of couple you hear arguing in the supermarket over hushed whispers
Olivia got a text saying that her and Chris would be cooking for the rest of the islanders last night, but first, they had to go to the supermarket together to pick up the ingredients. Adorably, they were both independently thinking it should be spaghetti bolognese, so when Chris audibly suggested it, Olivia was about ready to mount him on the spot because of their undeniable compatibility. Unfortunately, that's precisely where their shared thought processes ended, as what ensued after that can only be described as carnage.
They found about fucking everything. Olivia asked Chris what the Spanish for 'tomato' was, to which he replied 'tomatoey'. Chris also tried to use 'garlic-io' as the Spanish for garlic. Not to tell you what to do with your life, Olivia, but DUMP HIM! The pair fought hysterically throughout the entire shopping process and I began to grow fearful that some blunt objects on sale in the supermarket might get involved. Actually, that's exactly the kind of murder mystery this show needs now that we're this far into proceedings and I can't stand the fucking sight of every single one of these chumps.
4. There is an invisible man or woman on the island and nobody is talking about it
Approximately 22 minutes and 58 seconds into last night's show, the producers were brave enough to confirm the nation's suspicions which have been circulating for quite some time. There is an invisible man or woman on the island, as evidenced by the seemingly unworn shoes in the bottom left corner of the screen above. Who is this person? Is it a male or female? Has he or she come to the island to find love, just like the rest of them? Did he/she enjoy the spaghetti bolognese cooked by Olivia and Chris? Does he/she order a footlong in Subway?
The biggest query of all is if this invisible person is Amber's type. When you're invisible, technically you don't exist on paper. This means that her criteria for deciphering whether she fancies someone or not is completely flawed in this instance. Invisible people are just like you and I. They have hopes, dreams and ambitions, but above all else, they just want to find love. At times, we all feel invisible, but this invisible person feels that way all the time. Is he/she getting enough airtime? How in the fuck would we even be able to determine that. Grow up.
5. Amber eats crisps incorrectly
Everyone fucking loves a good crisp, so it's important that we take a moment to commend these brave islanders for dealing with the absolute shitshow that is Spanish crisps these past few weeks. They've been staying there for nigh on a month now and it's inspirational and admirable to see them surviving on something as lacklustre as what they're being provided with. Regardless of their bravery, we need to face facts: Amber eats crisps wrong. It's something that's caught my eye in the past, but last night was the final fucking straw.
Amber, rather than shove the entire crisp in her gob like any respectful human being, will take a tender bite out of it first, then consume the rest of it whole. It is for this reason, I have come to the sensible conclusion that Amber is a fucking sociopath. Biting the crisp this way causes a large amount of crumb displacement, everyone knows that. The villa is going to be more crumb than household by the time she's done with it. Just cram as many crisps down your gob as possible, like a normal person, Amber. Fuck sake.
6. Johnny performed the best 'Pull my finger' that the world has ever seen
Johnny is currently being hailed worldwide as a hero after performing what the New York Times is describing as a 'majestic' version of Pull My Finger on Dom last night. They'd just had a pretty emotional heart-to-heart about Johnny's conflicting feelings with Camilla and Tyla, when he decided to pull out the big guns. With the casual nature of a man that has two ladies after him at present, Johnny turned to Dom and uttered those three words that result in quivering excitement every time: Pull. My. Finger.
With that, Dom indulged the juvenile activity with all the anticipation and sincerity that you'd come to expect from such a brilliant game. Once his finger was pulled, Johnny expelled a burst of flatulence that the Love Island microphones expertly picked up, as they were destined to do. Prompted by no one but his inner desire to be liked, Dom gave a one-word review like clockwork: 'Decent'. Just like that, the most beautiful pairing we've seen on this island since Camilla and Johnny decided to give things another go was born. This time, it's a trio: Johnny, Dom and Johnny's fart, coupled up as the Lord himself intended. End scene. Roll credits.
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