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27th June 2017
11:34am BST
Firstly, the girl is on holidays in Majorca, where the average temperature is currently 32°C at this time of year. Most human skin turns darker in the sun, thereby eliminating the necessity for fake tan application. This proves one of two things: Chloe is a vampire OR Chloe is into Turbo Tanning, a term I've just coined which means she wants to be so unrecognisably tanned that she requires two forms of photo ID to re-enter the UK once the show is over.
Most importantly, Chloe's tanning mitt is fucking disgusting. Considering the only side we're seeing is the "clean" part, what in the fuck has happened here? I used the eyedropper tool in Photoshop to determine what colour those unsightly stains are, and it came back as a stomach-churningly swampy shade of green. The shade of green you'd see on the outskirts of a tiny lake that had to be closed off due to nuclear contamination. Chloe babe, wash your damn mitt.
2. Gabby brushes her tongue far too rigorously
...and she's not alone! Over the course of this gripping series of Love Island, it has come to my attention that the contestants all respectively go to town on their tongues during the teeth-brushing process. Now don't get me wrong, I'm well versed on the benefits of tongue hygiene, but I believe there is a very real threat of these children doing a serious amount of damage to their tongues with these dangerous techniques they're employing.
Colgate recommends the following method:
"Using a small dab of toothpaste and carefully brushing the top of the tongue. Start by reaching to the back of the tongue, and then work forward toward the opening of the mouth. Brush the entire top surface of the tongue using gentle pressure, and finish by rinsing with water".The main takeaway from this information is that you should be using GENTLE PRESSURE, not acting as if you're scratching the opportunity-heavy scratch card you spent your last £2 on. 3. Kem, a professional hairdresser, made shite of cutting Tyla's hair
Everything seemed to be going swimmingly at 'Kem On In Hair Salon', an entirely fictional area of the villa that I've just invented. Kem was heavily flirting as he tenderly cut Tyla's hair, saying deeply sexual things such as "I love how soft your hair is" and discussing the drama surrounding his ex, Amber. Tyla seemed delighted with the finished product, which anyone would be given the fact that zero money exchanged hands and it didn't take the standard 3 hours in a normal salon.
In what is sure to be christened as the most satisfying moment of Love Island 2017, Kem later revealed that he actually cut her hair far shorter than intended on one side, so he had to bring the other side up to even it out. What's that smell? It's the smell of Kem, a professional hairdresser, struggling to get any work whatsoever when he leaves the island. Lol. Lool. Looooooool.
4. Simon went to the toilet "about 40 times" last night
Kem and Simon were in the bedroom going about their business, when suddenly Kem turned into interrogation mode. He asked Simon if he was "cracking on last night" because he went to the toilet "about 40 times". When Simon revealed that all he'd done was a bit of smooching, Kem asked if he was having "tacticals", which I believe we can all decipher the meaning of for ourselves.
The main thing we can all learn from this interaction is that Simon goes to the toilet a lot and Kem is a nosy bastard. If someone goes to the toilet 500 times, you don't question it. They could have the runs, be making secret phone calls to the MI5 or simply just having a piss. The fact that Kem noticed his nocturnal movements to such a decree is quite creepy, but I don't really fancy looking into it any further.
5. The Love Island producers are really shit at naming things
Case in point: Love Island.
One of the tasks on last night's show involved contestants putting suncream on each other without using their hands (ooh, saucy). In a blink-and-you'll-miss-it camera shot, the name of the suncream was visible to those who took speed reading classes in college, or have the ability to pause live television. What did these geniuses decide to call the suntan lotion? Sex Factor 50. Sex. Factor. 50. S.E.X. F.A.C.T.O.R. 5.0.
Why couldn't they call it any of the following quirky, original and deeply creative names:
Chloe and Montana, the absolute scamps, went through Gabby's phone to see what kind of texts her and Kem had been sending each other. To their surprise, it was revealed that Kem fancies the girl whose hair he butchered, Tyla. My main query here is why Gabby and Kem didn't just have this conversation in person given that they're sharing the same villa so are therefore never more than 10 feet away from each other? Also why aren't they using their phones to go on Tinder and find better matches than the degenerates in the house?
At the end of the series, Love Island should publish a book with all the contestants' text messages sent back and forth. I want to single-handedly tally up how many times Marcel told every person on that island that he was in Blazin Squad, along with how many times Kem was texted with a hair appointment cancellation at very short notice. It would make for truly salacious reading and I think we can all agree it would help fill the void left when this spectacular piece of televisual experience comes to a conclusion.
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