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29th Jun 2017

Five deeply important things you might’ve missed on last night’s Love Island

WTF is going on with Johnny's reverse Hitler moustache?

Ciara Knight

Episode 21.

Right, let’s cut the bullshit, we’re 21 episodes in and things are very much happening.

Here’s 5 things that might’ve gone over your head last night. Luckily, they did not go over mine.

1. Johnny has a reverse Hitler moustache. Coincidence?

Johnny, aka scum of the earth, got quite a bit of airtime last night given that he has comfortably secured his position as The Worst Person In The World. Upon listening to him trying to weasel his way out of admitting that he’d informed THE BOYZ of his plans to ‘crack on’ with Tyla, my mind began to wander. I started looking at Johnny in ways I wasn’t entirely comfortable with. His eye twitch was becoming more severe, his eyeballs were darting around the villa looking for a means of escape, his knees were ferociously bopping up and down, also hang on a fucking second, he’s got a reverse Hitler moustache.

Maybe he’s simply got a very large philtrum (that’s the name of the area between your nose and top lip – I looked it up because I am a journalist), or maybe he’s purposely shaving that area to further establish his role in the villa as definitely not Hitler. If you were to combine their facial hair, they would complete one whole moustache between them. We can’t speculate about their connection beyond this fact, but what we can do is conclude that Johnny is a terrible person for shitting on Camilla’s feelings and his facial hair is suitably villainous as a result.

2. Montana does the world’s most convincing fake laugh and we, as viewers, are blessed to be able to experience it

Camilla, aka sweetest purest angel on earth, was confiding in Montana about her issues with scum of the earth Johnny. She was being her typical adorable self, explaining that if Johnny wants to pursue Tyla, she would absolutely step aside because that is precisely what a perfect angel would do in that situation. Camilla was getting quite upset talking about it, but doing a stellar job of concealing the fact that her heart was being mercilessly broken into a thousand tiny pieces.

Montana went in for a reassuring shoulder squeeze, but Camilla stopped her because she was conscious that Johnny might see that she was (rightfully) quite upset. Quick-thinking Montana instantly came up with a decoy, by offering to ‘laugh to throw him off’ and then produced the heartiest fake laugh that many of us are likely to see in our sad little lifetimes. Camilla then genuinely laughed at Montana’s convincing fake laugh, which made Montana, in turn, laugh at Camilla’s reaction to her fake laugh. In summary, the bond between two girls is the most precious thing in the world and we are blessed to be watching this wonderful show.

3. Kem has very wet lips

For no reason other than guaranteed airtime, Kem decided to go around and kiss every single islander on the forehead before bed. Montana and Amber were sleeping on the couches because apparently that’s a cool thing to do in 2017, so Kem gave them both a quick goodnight peck. Unexpectedly, Amber was wearing an eye mask, meaning her forehead was obstructed and Kem couldn’t achieve a successful lip touch to the forehead. Ever the innovator, he decided to plant one right on her eye mask, much to Amber’s delight.

Afterwards, there was a big sloppy stain left on the mask, as evidenced above, which has led me to the reasonable conclusion that Kem has got very wet lips. Not sufficiently moistened for a kiss, we’re talking unnecessarily wet, potentially dripping in saliva. The peck lasted half a second, so how the fuck did he manage to leave a literal outline of his lips on that mask so quickly? Did he take a brief swig of water before the event itself took place? No, he didn’t. I watched it back. The point I am making here is that Kem has very fucking moist lips. In other news, MH370 is still missing.

4. Chris and Kem are in love and it is beautiful

Following on from Kem’s moist lips soiling Amber’s eye mask, he proceeded to make his way through the house to give everyone else a kiss on the forehead. Most of the islanders said goodnight and gave a quick smirk, but Chris was positively beaming. He watched Kem smooch his way around that villa and knew that the best was most definitely being saved for last. Given that their beds are side by side, it makes a large amount of logistical sense for Kem to kiss Chris last, then retire to his own bed.

Chris was giddy with excitement as Kem approached him, even propping his head up on a pillow to give him the perfect kissing angle. Kem planted one (a significantly sloppier one than Amber, presumably) on Chris’s forehead and it honestly seemed like they might bone for a minute. Then, delighted with the exchange that had just taken place, Chris flashed a smile bigger than a teen with braces being told she has a lovely smile, and Kem gave him an adoring parent-like grin before he hit the pillow. If they don’t win this godforsaken show then everything is fucked.

5. Dom is a Never Nude

After they all threw coloured liquids at each other (now a euphemism), the contestants got showered and changed to sit around the villa together for the evening, same as they do all day. There was a quick montage of the islanders preening themselves, at which point we saw Dom having a shower IN HIS SHORTS. Reality television and 24-hour live recordings aside, this is an odd practice, and reminiscent of the scene in Scrubs when JD was caught using Shower Shorts™ “For the man that has nothing to hide, but still wants to”.

Dom is hiding something and I have no issue in speculating as to what that might be:

  • He is a Ken doll (does not possess genitals, completely smooth down there)
  • He has wonky bum cheeks
  • He has an unsightly birthmark that is shaped like a swastika
  • He has a tattoo of a Playboy Bunny that he’s rightfully embarrassed about
  • He is a Never Nude

I’m inclined to go with the Never Nude suspicion, as it’s the most realistic outcome and one that involves the least amount of proof. 1 in every 1,400 UK citizens is said to be a Never Nude. Dom’s swimming shorts are his version of Tobias Fünke’s denim cut offs. It was a brave move to go on Love Island, but he couldn’t expect to get away with this secret for much longer. 21 days in and I have cracked it.

All images via ITV


Love Island