Week 8 – Steam Train! Big old week on The Apprentice, wasn’t it? The candidates had to bring some guests on a fancy train and ensure that they were sufficiently fed and boozed up for the entirety of the journey. That was it, that was the task. Inevitably, they made a substantial mess of things, failing […]

6 years ago

How many ports would Natalie Portman man if Natalie Portman could man ports? Natalie Portman, am I right? She has been in many movies. Some good, some mediocre, some unfortunately went straight to VHS. Regardless, Nat-Port is a top tier actress and her legacy will live on forever. The ins and outs are irrelevant. Was […]

6 years ago

How many pits would Brad Pitt pit if Brad Pitt could pit pits? Brad Pitt, am I right? He’s been in 7,000 movies, at an estimate, and holds Hollywood’s highest honour in terms of Movies That Are Probably Good Because Brad Pitt Is Involved. My personal favourite Brad Pitt movie is The Curious Case of […]

6 years ago

I’m out of here, get me a celebrity! Not sure if you’ve heard, but I’m A Celeb 2019 is now underway. To be fair, this year there are some actual celebrities in the jungle, so that’s a bold strategy which will hopefully pay off for everyone involved. Last night’s launch was a huge triumph in the […]

6 years ago

They’re all winners, except for the ones that aren’t Since 2007, John Lewis Christmas adverts have become a British institution, officially signifying the beginning of the Christmas season and making it socially acceptable to sometimes cry at the overwhelming beauty contained in an advertisement. To date, thirteen John Lewis Christmas adverts have been gifted unto […]

6 years ago

Week 7 – Finland Advertising! Just in case you missed The Apprentice this week, it’s important that you get up to speed on the events that have transpired. Essentially, the candidates were given a relatively simple task to complete, and as per the typical format we’ve grown to love, they absolutely fucked it. All they had to […]

6 years ago

Mate, mate, mate, mate, mate At the request of precisely 0.00 people, Boris Johnson has shared a Q&A video on Twitter. I’ve answered a few questions about Brexit, the economy and Marmite. Watch our first election broadcast now.pic.twitter.com/boH1GfJdJU — Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson) November 12, 2019 It features the Prime Minister answering such hot topic questions […]

6 years ago

Happy I’m A Celeb press photo day to you and yours! Today is content Christmas as the I’m A Celeb 2019 contestants have officially been announced, along with some accompanying imagery to promote the show. As with any reality television programme, we have the power within us to fast-forward proceedings and prematurely crown our winner. All it takes is […]

6 years ago

How many hanks would Tom Hanks hank if Tom Hanks could hank hanks? As the old saying goes, if you want to watch a good movie, simply stick on Paw Patrol: Mighty Pups, or something starring Tom Hanks. Those are the only two categories that exist in the movie world in the year of our Lord […]

6 years ago

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a cinema, but you’ll have to wait two weeks before the rest of this joke is available to stream on Netflix The Irishman hits cinemas today. From what I can tell, it is a movie based around the colourful life on an Irishman (open to correction here). […]

6 years ago

Week 6 – Theme Park! Big old week on The Apprentice wasn’t it? The business hopelesses had to design a rollercoaster, which was a very logical task to give these reality TV stars because statistically speaking, 1 in 5 people will be tasked with designing and marketing a brand new rollercoaster to completion all within 48 hours […]

6 years ago

2009 was a strong year for music We had The Black Eyed Peas’ dominating the charts with random sound such as Boom Boom Pow and informing us that they were getting feelings, such as I Gotta Feeling. Meanwhile, Jason Mraz was busy letting us all know that he’s ours, whether we’d like it or not. Musicians surpassed themselves […]

6 years ago

Tis the season to be antisocial!

6 years ago

On your marks, get set, quiz! GBBO 2019 has passed away. RIP u will live on forever. Cant believe it. I wanna run to u. Really cant believe this. @ Rather than simply finding great comfort in the fact that another bountiful series of GBBO has sated our appetites, we must now test our knowledge of the […]

6 years ago

Say the first three letters of the alphabet backwards? Nah, CBA mate The alphabet slaps. Where would we be without the alphabet? Wordless, speechless and therefore without banter to keep us going through this godforsaken hell scape that we call life. Every letter of the alphabet, no matter how pathetic, exudes a level of banter. […]

6 years ago

October, am I right? Folks, I cannot believe I am saying this again. But it has been ANOTHER strong month over on Twitter dot com. Users have surpassed themselves in terms of content, brevity, originality, meme-ability and of course, banter. Topics discussed this month included Succession, having ~*relations*~ with Shrek, Instagram story recommendations, leaky fridges and of […]

6 years ago

Week 5 – Discount Buying Big night on The Apprentice last night, folks. Big BIG night. The candidates were tasked with going shopping, basically. They even had a shopping list and a map, and still somehow managed to fuck it up. As always, there was an abundance of cringe on display, coming from all angles with no […]

6 years ago

Week 10 – The Final! Britain, we did it. We made it to the final of another GBBO. Hearty congratulations to all involved. The series has ended now. We must find other ways to occupy our lives between the hours of 8pm – 9.15pm every Tuesday night. Perhaps we could feel inspired to take up baking? Or […]

6 years ago

Opinion: The Succession theme song slaps harder than should be legally permitted Succession, am I right? By now you should’ve lashed through series one and two in quick succession(!) so that you can keep up with the incessant chatter and quotes in work. You should have a firm favourite (Roman) and a character whose dumb little face […]

6 years ago

SpoooOOooooOOOoooky quiz Why bother watching a horror movie when you can simply look at your face in a magnified mirror to get a fright instead? Whether you like it or not, horror movies are big business around Halloween. Everyone craves that spooky vibe you can only achieve by watching fictional characters being terrorised for 90 […]

6 years ago

Week 4 – Electric Bikes! Big old night on The Apprentice, wasn’t it? The candidates had to sell electric bikes because in these uncertain times, it’s important that we all band together to make fun of this year’s business hopefuls, oh yeah and try to save the planet or whatever. As always, we were treated to an […]

6 years ago

Week 9 – Patisserie! The semi-finals of GBBO have come and gone like a visitor in the night. Together, we laughed at their misfortunes and we cried at the bakers’ decision to wear ties in honour of Henry who is still very much alive despite such an ‘in memoriam’ move. David, Alice, Steph and Rosie gave it […]

6 years ago

If you add an apostrophe to Halloween, you’re a nark Not sure if you’ve heard, but Halloween is fast approaching. You can tell because people are actively purchasing and then installing fake cobwebs around their houses in a bid to make the place feel a bit more spooky than usual. Spiders are hiding in the […]

6 years ago

Not too sure if I could see myself wearing this As part of Poundland’s Halloween range, they’ve been giving away a very limited number of invisibility cloaks in store. For free. Inevitably, the cloaks were quickly nabbed by invisibility enthusiasts. I was lucky enough to get my hands on one, so to speak, and have […]

6 years ago

BOUJIE/BOUJEE/BOUGIE – THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT SPELLINGS SO LET’S NOT ARGUE Dictionary.com describes ‘Boujee’ as “hip-hop slang for something luxurious in lifestyle yet humble in character”. The matter of the fact is that we all exhibit boujee tendencies, usually around payday, or at all times if you are both filthy and stinking rich. For example, […]

6 years ago

Should’ve called it WAGamamas, tbh January 8, 2002. The first episode of Footballers’ Wives aired on ITV, with each episode gaining an average of 5 million viewers. Filmmakers, TV enthusiasts and football fans alike were quick to recognise the show as a dangerously powerful force, sure to transcend the industry like nothing we’d ever seen before. Real footballers’ […]

6 years ago

Week 3 – Toys! Big night on The Apprentice last night. The candidates had to make toys! That was it, that was the task. Make 1 (one) toy per team. A simple challenge for some of the nation’s finest simple minds, surely? Except, naturally, the fucked it. Every aspect of the task was unbridled chaos and embarrassment […]

6 years ago

Am I bovvered? It’s been a grim twelve years since The Catherine Tate Show aired its final episode. Sure, we’ve had Christmas specials, but their finite nature always tinges them with sadness and we’re left wanting more. It’s been years since I’ve heard a sarcastic teen shout “Am I bovvered?” at a nagging parent, and that needs […]

6 years ago

Week 8 – Pastry! Big bloody night in the GBBO tent last night, wasn’t it? Big bloody night. All of sudden, there were but five contestants in the quaintly-decorated tent, baking their little hearts out to avoid uncertain death being eliminated from the competition. Pastry week brought with it many twists, turns, folds and an assortment of […]

6 years ago

“Alright. We come to an understanding, or one of us doesn’t leave here alive” Many things have happened this week, but the only one that matters is Coleen Rooney outing herself as the single greatest detective of our generation. With just a simple statement, the world descended into celebrity beef chaos and our timelines were […]

6 years ago

Winter > Summer, do not @ me There comes a time everyone’s life where you have to take a stand and speak up for what you believe in. Now that Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp’s Adventure has been made, I’m ready to pledge my efforts to another worthy cause. I believe that winter is better […]

7 years ago

Week 2 – Ice Lollies! Things were pretty chill on The Apprentice last night, in the sense that there were frozen goods involved. Elsewhere, everyone was thoroughly frantic as usual. The candidates simply had to produce and sell ice lollies. That was the task, no more, no less. Of course, a billion arguments broke out, the ice […]

7 years ago

There are no winners here today, except the meme makers It is with a heavy heart we must announce that the WAGs are at it again. Coleen Rooney has accused Rebekah Vardy of giving stories to The Sun based on information taken from Coleen’s personal Instagram account. This has been a burden in my life […]

7 years ago

Week 7 – Festivals! As the old saying goes, if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the GBBO fit-for-purpose marquee. Last night’s show saw the bakers engaging in a spot of festival-themed baking, whereby they took a lot of drugs, saw the Kaiser Chiefs, asked a minor celebrity for a selfie, wore a lot of […]

7 years ago

Logos, am I right? In the not too distant future, I am confident we will all contain a logo. Brands will pay us money to advertise for them and in return, they get endless exposure to our friends, family and colleagues. With just a simple tattoo on your face, the process will be complete. Once […]

7 years ago

PSLs, am I right? If you ever feel sad, simply remind yourself that the earth is 4.5 billion years old and you managed to be around at the same time as pumpkin spice lattes. Heaven’s nectar comes in the form of a steamed milk coffee mixed with precisely four pumps of pumpkin spice. Long hailed […]

7 years ago

The following piece is best read during work hours Thanks to the release of Mario Kart Tour, for twelve days, the world has come close to reaching a relative level of calm that was previously unprecedented. Mario Kart Tour has taken over where Pokémon Go left off. Humanity has a new challenge now, and that […]

7 years ago

This was hard (that’s what she said) It’s been six years since The US Office aired its final episode. But we mustn’t cry because it’s over. As the inspirational fridge magnet quote suggests, we must instead smile because it happened. Then, we must rank the show’s minor characters from worst to best because this is an important […]

7 years ago

Week 1 – South Africa! The Apprentice is back and as expected, the candidates are more cringe than ever. Last night’s task saw the business hopefuls travel to South Africa so that they could make fools of themselves in a different time zone than they’ll be using for the rest of the series. Lest there was […]

7 years ago

*Spooky content ahead – reader discretion is advised* Halloween 2019 is very quickly approaching. There are two types of people in this world. Those that plan their Halloween costume months in advance, meticulously sourcing all of the relevant items essential for the outfit, then carefully crafting the thing piece by piece, and those that find […]

7 years ago

Week 6 – Desserts! Big night in the GBBO tent last night, wasn’t it? The bakers had to tackle the notoriously difficult task of making desserts, which as we all know is ‘stressed’ spelled backwards and an anagram of ‘Ed’s rests’, whatever that means. Still, they gave it their all. Henry dressed up for the occasion for […]

7 years ago

BRING ON THE WALL! Game shows are the perfect accompaniment to any activity. Preparing dinner? Stick on a game show. Painting the living room? Stick on a game show. Eating a sandwich? Stick on a game show. Stick on a game show? Stick on a game show. Britain has truly struck gold when it comes […]

7 years ago

*Looks at Green Day intently* Folks, it’s been another strong month over on Twitter dot com with users outdoing themselves by producing some of the funniest tweets the world has ever seen. We’re now entering a stage in Twitter’s prowess where its funniest users are going to take over. They’ll start by taking our jobs, […]

7 years ago

Disclaimer: There is no such thing as a bad episode of Fleabag As is common knowledge at this point, Fleabag is the greatest television show in existence. Period. Every episode is a masterclass in how to tell a story, peppered with the perfect amount of humour, sentimentality, reliability and realness that keeps you emotionally invested from start […]

7 years ago

Takeaways, am I right? True story: One time I was so hungover that I legitimately Googled ‘takeaway genre’ because I couldn’t remember what types of takeaway options existed, nor could I remember the word for ‘options’. Whatever your reason for requiring a takeaway tonight, I am here to relieve you of the hassle of trying […]

7 years ago

IT’S! BACK! Today is content Christmas because the new crop of The Apprentice candidates have been unleashed unto the internet and world at large. Having accurately predicted the precise type of contestants we would be subjected to this year, it’s a smug, smug day for me. Now that we have some actual faces to match to the […]

7 years ago

Week 5 – The Roaring Twenties! Last night’s GBBO was a roaring outrage from start to finish. We got to see the bakers struggle with custard tarts, then struggle with beignets, then struggle with 20s-inspired showstopper cakes. Michael cried for the entirety of the show, accurately depicting what it’s like to exist with the knowledge that the […]

7 years ago

It is with a heavy heart we must announce that the besotted are at it again In what can only be described as an extremely 2019 turn of events, Jennifer Lawrence has put her wedding registry online as an Amazon wish list for all the world to see. As everyone knows, getting married is the biggest scam […]

7 years ago

I’d like to propose a toast It is a well known fact that you can judge the calibre of someone’s character based solely on the particular shade at which they like to consume toast. It’s an ancient technique that dates back as far as Roman times, where Julius Caesar would invite prospective friends over for […]

7 years ago

If Will Ferrell could will ferrells, how many ferrells would Will Ferrell will to ferrell? Will Ferrell, am I right? He is in every movie, but at the same time, he is simply not in enough movies. The American government are currently looking to get a law into effect which stipulates that no movie can […]

7 years ago