Week 8 – Steam Train!
Big old week on The Apprentice, wasn’t it?
The candidates had to bring some guests on a fancy train and ensure that they were sufficiently fed and boozed up for the entirety of the journey. That was it, that was the task.
Inevitably, they made a substantial mess of things, failing to recognise that food allergies exist and that people have a perpetual need to be having a good time at all times, especially when they’re paying £200 per head.
Still, this is why we continue to tune into this flawless format of a television show. Willing contestants put themselves in a position of great vulnerability and we get to judge them, on a weekly basis, for looking dumb in front of Daddy (Lord Sugar).
Here’s six cringe moments that are worth briefly reliving, then never thinking about ever again.
1. 8 minutes into the episode, Thomas announced that his team had “Got this one”, thereby sealing their fate of a guaranteed loss
This is at least the second time Tommy boy has very confidently assured us that his team would be winning the task, only to later see his sad little face making a shit cup of tea in that grubby cafe after getting a bollocking in the boardroom. I hate to say it, but Thomas is a jinx. Every time he expresses a smidge of confidence in his team, they end up in the toilet. If you see this man on a flight, get off the plane immediately. He is bad luck and will also try to pitch his business plan to you throughout the course of a 14-hour flight.
2. Lottie and Scarlett removed any suspicions in viewers’ minds that they might be good at anything, including art
As part of the team-building activities that could be included on the train journey, Lottie and Scarlett sampled an artsy activity which involved people drawing different segments of a picture, then putting it all together. Infuriatingly, this got very little airtime so all we saw was Scarlett ferociously scribbling on a sheet of paper like a determined toddler, then the end product pictured above, which might well be the Fresco Jesus of 2019.
3. For no apparent reason, Ryan-Mark and Thomas dressed like chess pieces for the train ride
There’s no way to prove this, but I’m absolutely certain that there’s a special room in the candidates’ house designated solely to costumery. The candidates peruse the offerings each morning, frantically trying to shoehorn a Teletubbies outfit into a presentation about the advancement of combine harvesters, eventually settling on a gimp mask and a feather boa for flavour. On this particular occasion, Ryan-Mark and Thomas opted for chess pieces for a train journey, sigh.
4. Lottie tried to flex by saying that she can carry three plates at the same time
Listen, parrots can ride bicycles and monkeys can play the kazoo, but Lottie off The Apprentice can carry three plates (of food) at the same time. It’s the kind of information that’s presumably included on the front page of her CV, possibly as the header statement. Lord Sugar needs to be aware that he’s got an exceptional candidate in his boardroom, the kind who can make him a large amount of money and dine out on her wealth of expertise, ideally using three plates to do so.
5. They gave the coeliac passenger a FRUIT SALAD for her dinner
Let’s not dance around the issue, that is a bowl of fruit. Imagine your bosses were taking you on a fancy trip aboard a steam train, paying £200 per head and for dinner, you’re served a bowl of fruit. Depending on your employer, that is a bit of a kick in the bottom. Ryan-Mark’s team failed to factor in the possibility that some of his guests would have dietary requirements, but he managed to find the time to source and then subsequently dress in a crown and cape for the entirety of the journey. The future of British business is in safe hands.
6. For no logical reason, Marianne piped the word ‘Yo’ on every one of the passengers’ dessert plates
Sure. Yes. Why not? Let’s put the signature opening line of freaks on dating apps worldwide alongside a slice of sponge cake aboard this luxury yet crazy train. Marianne spent what felt like eons piping a bit of thick cream on those lanky plates, for some reason saying ‘Yo’ or possibly ’90’ or ‘4n’. Either way, it looked stupid. The Apprentice candidates no longer need to be good at business, they simply need to be very willing to look dumb on telly. Long may it continue, quite frankly. This show is a gift.
Images via BBC
