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25th Sep 2019

Six things you might have missed during last night’s GBBO

Ciara Knight

Week 5 – The Roaring Twenties!

Last night’s GBBO was a roaring outrage from start to finish.

We got to see the bakers struggle with custard tarts, then struggle with beignets, then struggle with 20s-inspired showstopper cakes.

Michael cried for the entirety of the show, accurately depicting what it’s like to exist with the knowledge that the planet is actively dying, Henry continued to look like a work experience student at his Dad’s medium-sized company and Noel fulfilled his weekly obligation of bringing a splash of whimsy to proceedings while being visibly giddy over having another goth in the tent this series.

Here’s six things you might have missed during last night’s show.

1. Rosie provided us with the perfect visual metaphor for Brexit

Rosie’s custard tarts were going well. The pastry turned out nicely, the filling was the right texture and the presentation seemed to be what she envisaged. Then Rosie attempted to leave the European Union and absolutely fucked it. One of her tarts fell onto the floor, smearing a custardy mess all over the GBBO carpet in a elaborate shape that resembled some kind of abstract art. Later, when the judges were sampling Rosie’s three tarts, there was still a big purple smear across the floor reminding us of the devastation that had passed. Basically, Rosie accidentally created a stunning metaphor for Brexit and we need to think about how a custard shortage could effect the British isles after October 31st.

2. Helena made a very compelling case for having a mandatory goth on GBBO every year

All the bakers had to do was produce four custard tarts. Simple as that. Maybe add a fancy bit of presentation on top to please Prue and Paul, then they’re golden. But Helena went one step further because she is our eternal princess of darkness. She put a big hideous Gorgon on top of the tarts, with tentacles spilling out of them for added gore. This is what GBBO is all about. We’ve been missing out on some exceptional goth content for the past nine series and it is a crying shame. From here on out, GBBO should have to incorporate one mandatory goth in each series. Noel Fielding has been doing the heavy lifting for far too long. The world has changed. Give the people what they want. Make Goth British Bake Off a reality.

3. Noel gave Steph a haircut, thereby contaminating her baked goods and jeopardising the safety rating of the GBBO tent

Hate to come into GBBO with a renegade idea ten series in, but shouldn’t the contestants be wearing hairnets? In any live kitchen environment, chefs should be preventing their hair from falling into the food. That is a rule you learn during day one of cookery school, always keep your hair out of the grub unless you’re making a witch’s potion. Last night, Noel Fielding very dangerously gave Steph’s fringe a little trim while she was slicing some grapes. Rather than immediately disqualifying both from the competition, they were praised as comedic heroes. It’s all well and good to have a laugh in the GBBO tent, but when the hygiene standards are being compromised, we need to take action.

4. Paul Hollywood made the absolute worst joke in GBBO history and deserves severe punishment

During the post-task debrief, Prue, Paul, Sandi and Noel gathered around the conveniently front-facing GBBO table to discuss how the contestants were doing. Paul expressed that he hadn’t picked up on Michael’s frequent expressions of emotion, to which Noel and Sandi heartily agreed, reminding Paul that he had probably never experienced a true emotion before. Noel asked Paul if he had ever felt a funny feeling in his tummy when he likes someone, to which Paul replied “I thought that was a curry”. Ever the professionals, Sandi and Noel laughed, but it was forced. What a weak, illogical and baffling retort. Paul Hollywood might know how to bake bread, but he cannot construct a joke, and we should all find some sense of comfort in that.

5. SpongeBob SquarePants became homeless at the hands of a true villain

An act of senseless violence took place during last night’s GBBO and it’s unlikely that Ofcom will get through all of the inevitable complaints before the sun sets on this cursed day. In preparation for her piña colada showstopper cake, Alice destroyed SpongeBob’s home. With a level of intent we’ve never seen on GBBO before, Alice gave the house an initial skylight, then proceeded to butcher SpongeBob’s place of residence. It’s unknown how she got her hands on the famous establishment in the first place, but many are suspecting that her job as a Geography teacher gave an unfair advantage in locating the pineapple under the sea. SpongeBob will now have to live under a big rock with Patrick until he can find a new home. It is an outrage.

6. Helena finally revealed what the nation had long suspected

As the nation’s current favourite goth, there was very little Helena could do to lose the hearts and minds of the nation. Then, last night happened, which fully reinforced those feelings. While Prue and Paul were chatting to Helena about her showstopper bake, Prue interrupted to swat a fly from Helena’s face. She responded with “They come to me because I am dead” and with that, all suspicions were proven true. Helena was never really here. She is a vessel for goths everywhere. She came onto GBBO and set a lot of goth myths straight. For example, they are all deceased and actually very good at baking. Her ghostly presence was the most important part of this series. We must never forget her, or she will haunt us all to our dying days. Godspeed.

Images via Channel 4