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24th October 2019
01:50pm BST
The golden rule of being alive is that you must stop everything you're doing when something makes a fart sound. Whether that's a chair, a bottle of ketchup or a human person, you need to stand still, take stock of things and appreciate one of life's greatest comedic feats - a fart noise. David was squeezing some white substance into a mixing bowl when it made what I can only describe as a very wet and earthy fart noise. Steph was the only one to clock it, delivering a succinct "Pardon you", which David declined to react to. The man is not human. Where is his banter? Regardless of what was at stake in the competition, you cannot ignore the undeniable hilarity of a fart noise. Not even a surgeon mid-surgery would stifle a lol at a squeaking shoe noise.
2. There was a peeping Tom outside the GBBO tent and HANG ON IS THAT A DOG
As with any high profile television show, it's inevitable that people are going to try to get their two minutes of fame at any cost. If you can't actually bake, your chances of getting on GBBO are quite slim. Not impossible, but close enough. Unnamed Brown Dog knows that. He can't make a croquembouche to save his life, but you better believe that he makes up for it in endearing face-lickings. So he went an alternative route, breaking into the tent's tenderly-pruned gardens, staring dead into the camera from a variety of different angles to guarantee his moment in the limelight. Truly, we have no choice but to respect the hustle. Fame - even dogs want it.
3. The technical challenge instructions actually aren't as scant as the bakers make out
Yeah fair enough, the 'Make créme patisserie' and 'Make paté a choux' points are pretty savage, but everything else is a lot more informative than we may have been led to believe. We got a cheeky glimpse at David's technical challenge instructions during last night's GBBO and he accidentally revealed that the bakers aren't as hard done by as they sometimes protest. The instructions tell them to reduce the oven temperature, what size piping nozzles to use, even how many times they're allowed to go for a wee during the challenge. It's not great, but it's better than we thought. Someone should tell these bakers that they're making reality TV, not a drama. Actually wait, I've just had a good idea for a spinoff show.
4. Alice's earrings also doubled up as a silly slide for ants
What initially seemed like a bespoke piece of jewellery actually transformed around the 40 minute mark of the show, right when your mind started to drift off and you wondered how much longer would be left. An animated ant used Alice's earring as a silly slide, having a whale of the time as the bakers eagerly awaited the results of the technical challenge. It was invisible to the naked eye, or also any other eye, but if you simply just use your imagination, GBBO can be whatever you want. For example, this week I decided that the show was presented by a butternut squash and some hummus dip rather than Noel and Sandi. They did well. Excellent chemistry. A tasty duo, frankly.
5. Right so it transpires that the dog was actually fake, sorry. Very embarrassed
Okay so the dog that was initially spotted behind David actually transpired to be some kind of statue because he (or she) stayed in the exact same position for the entirety of the show, popping up in the background any time the left side of the tent was being filmed. This is a disgusting prank that someone has played on us all. They are laughing at us, the dog statue owners, having a right old chuckle at our stupidity. Frankly, they're right to. This is a shameful day and one that will stick with me for a long time. But also, why put a dog hidden between the trees during week nine? It doth make no sense, GBBO set dresser. Fool me once, etc.
6. Not to sound like a Mam, but NOEL FIELDING PUT HIS MUCKY BOOTS ON THE COUNTERTOP!
Health and safety is of the utmost importance, even in reality TV shows where they use a giant basket of eggs for decorative purposes. Noel Fielding besmirched the health rating of the GBBO tent during this week's show by putting his mucky but admittedly very fashionable boots right onto the countertop. It's a grave offence and one that Ofcom assure me they are investigating thoroughly. At this point, all we can do is await the ruling of the high court. It's expected that their decision regarding the death penalty could take up to 48 hours, so we just need to busy ourselves in the meantime. Sadly, GBBO's health rating has passed away. RIP u will live on forever. Cant believe it. I wanna run to u. Really cant believe this. @
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