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14th Nov 2019

9 cringe moments from The Apprentice this week

Ciara Knight

Week 7 – Finland Advertising!

Just in case you missed The Apprentice this week, it’s important that you get up to speed on the events that have transpired.

Essentially, the candidates were given a relatively simple task to complete, and as per the typical format we’ve grown to love, they absolutely fucked it.

All they had to do was drum up some tourism for Finland during the summer months. That’s it. That was the job. C’est tout.

Inevitably, they managed to make Finland, the home of Santa Claus, clean tap water, 3 million saunas, really good coffee and presumably lots of Finnish people, boring.

Here’s nine cringe moments that are worth reliving through partially-concealed eyes.

1. Lord Sugar gave us a sneak peek at what The Apprentice will look like in twenty years

The Apprentice will live on forever thanks to forward planning and the seemingly limitless bounds of modern technology. Any time Lord Sugar can’t show up for the candidates’ pre-task briefing, he appears on an unnecessarily large screen like something out of The Hunger Games. This proves two things: 1) The man is a gigantic narcissist and 2) He will never die, nor will The Apprentice.

2. In recounting his familiarity with Finland, Lewis said “I used to hang out with a Finnish girl at university”

To quote world-renowned wordsmith celebrity chef Gino D’Acampo, “If my grandmother had wheels, she would have been a bike”. Lewis, mate. You can talk as much smack as you want in the boardroom and give a little flavour of sass during those pathetic tea breaks in that grubby little cafe, but please do not chat shit while sober in a taxi in the middle of the day. That is what happens on Come Dine With Me, not The Apprentice.

3. Karren Baroness Brady laughed!!!

While the team was discussing whether Ryan-Mark should do some kissing in their Finnish promotional video, in a definite first for The Apprentice, Karren Brady appeared to crack a smile. Not a fake smile, not the kind of one she does when Lord Sugar delivers a pre-written joke, no. This was authentic. Warming, even. With this information we now have concrete evidence that the robots have gained sentience and are taking over.

4. One of the guys from Good Charlotte made a guest appearance

Nothing else to add here really, just thought the Finnish cameraman looked an awful lot like one of the Good Charlotte brothers in the sense that they both wear hats, exclusively black clothes and have facial hair.

5. Ryan-Mark wore A DRESSING GOWN in THE HOT TUB!

Ryan-Mark, I have grown very fond of you over the past couple of weeks. But I can only defend you for so long. A dressing gown and hot tub do not a happy pairing make. Having once accidentally dipped my dressing gown belt in the toilet (before I peed), I cannot even begin to fathom how disgusting it feels to have a damp lower portion of your gown IN A HOT TUB. Get your standards off the floor, son.

6. Ryan-Mark then wore THE SAME DRESSING GOWN in A SAUNA!

The epidemic continues to unfold. The very same dressing gown, of Hot Tub Swine Machine fame, was then sported upon Ryan-Mark’s naked body into the sauna all in the name of advertising. While the goal of the piece was to convince people to visit Finland, for me, it made me want to purchase a decent washer/dryer combo and avoid the country at all costs if they promote incorrect DG usage.

7. This is what the future of British business looks like 🙂

We’ve now seen green screens being incorporated into The Apprentice tasks no fewer than 17,000 times so far this series. It is a blank canvas upon which the candidates can place their wildest dreams and truly dumbest ideas. Nobody ever comes away look cool during the show when there’s a green screen involved. Not even last year’s three-handed MVP Kayode. (Gone but not forgotten x).

8. The people in the #ExploreFinland ad took a selfie using a portable disk drive 

Yes I know it’s probably a very trendy instant camera, but it also looks remarkably like a portable disk drive. If I may indulge a rant for the briefest of moments: Bring back disk drives! I am not ready to say goodbye to my DVD and CD-ROM collection in favour of these newfangled one-size-fits-all laptop ports. I miss the familiar sound of an incorporated disk drive swallowing a CD whole and then whizzing at a frightening speed to the point where you were convinced the machine would take flight. Modern life sucks. Anyway.

9. Someone ate the soup at the Bridge Cafe!!!

A bowl! Upon the complementary Bridge Cafe tray which must be returned before you leave the premises or face a hefty fine! There is but one explanation for this rather shocking turn of events – and that is soup. Somebody at that table ate the Bridge Cafe soup. Because it is sitting closest to Thomas, I am assuming he ate the forbidden soup and will mysteriously be missing from next week’s show as a result. Stay tuned.

Images via BBC