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02nd Aug 2017

Watching ‘Don’t Tell The Bride’ is great if you want to question the evolution of humanity

Rebecca was invited to her own wedding via a message scrawled on a banana skin

Ciara Knight


The premise of this televisual triumph is simple: A big old silly man goes and plans a big old silly wedding without any input from his big old silly wife. As expected, chaos ensues because silly old men can’t do bloody anything right lol typical.

This is my first time watching Don’t Tell The Bride, and I’m excited about it. Will this further my findings on humanity as a whole? I sure hope so!

During this episode, we meet Carl and Rebecca. They met in a gym and now they’re getting married, which just goes to show that an overpriced gym membership is truly the way to happiness.

Let’s see how they got on.

Within the first few minutes, Carl reveals that he’s never been to a wedding, so this is going to be fucking hysterical

He’s only 22 so it’s not a crime, but it also feels like this is going to make for some fantastic television. Carl casually tells us that he’s never actually been to a wedding, but then says that he’s driven past weddings a few times, as if that would be a reassuring statement to help us forget his shortcomings. It’s like saying ‘I’m still a virgin, but I’ve seen kissing on the telly’. Carl is going be planning this entire wedding by himself, but he’s never seen one take place before. Does he even know that there legally has to be a member of the Zulu Tribe who gives them both his blessing by urinating on their dominant hands, otherwise the entire ceremony will be void and unrecognised by any country in the Western world? Unlikely.


It’s likely that these two people have never spoken to each other before because they are not in any way on the same page in life

If I was going on Don’t Tell The Bride, I would tell my husband-to-be exactly what I want. He would follow those wishes to a tee, otherwise the wedding would simply not take place. However, in this particular episode, I’m not entirely sure that Carl and Rebecca have ever met. Rebecca tells us that she’d like a classic wedding with an olden style, then Carl informs us that he’s planning for everyone to head to Spain for the wedding. Is he marrying himself? This is not what Rebecca wants. Surely if you find out that you’re going on a show called Don’t Tell The Bride, the first thing you’d do is have a quick precautionary discussion about how you’d like things to play out. Why didn’t Rebecca grab her fiancé one day and say “Hey Carl, just a quick one, don’t fucking fly us to Spain for our wedding. Cheers, thanks pal”. That way, everyone’s happy. Unless they’re double-bluffing us right now? Is Carl pretending that a Spanish wedding is a totally off the cuff decision, when they’ve already discussed it at length and made several vision boards about it? Fuck.


Carl had a little cry when they parted ways, probably because he forgot to ask Rebecca what a wedding is

It was a touching moment when Rebecca drove off with their very cute baby. Both were in tears and the baby was giving her Dad major side-eye, threatening him to pull it together or else because Mummy deserves the best. Carl’s manly tears were flowing, and I couldn’t help but query the source of them. Was he sad that he wouldn’t see his wife and daughter for a little while? Was he sad that he forgot to ask Rebecca what a wedding is supposed to look like? Or was he sad that nobody told him about denim shirts being extremely last season? We may never truly know, but it was a tender moment and one we’re all likely to look back on with enlightened perspectives at the end of the episode.


Carl flew to Spain with his best man and they brought their suitcases to the beach just so everyone knew that they were tourists

Need I even list the hazards involved in bringing your suitcase to the beach? The main one being that there’s no fucking chance you’re going to be able to wheel it across a bed of sand with any ease whatsoever. Why didn’t they just drop them off at the hotel? They’ve got three weeks to plan this wedding, they could spare half an hour to drop the bags and kids off at the hotel, then return empty handed to marvel at the inflatable structure in the sea. Carl brought his mate to see the miniature water park floating in the sea, citing that it would be ideal for the wedding. I, as well as Carl’s friend, believed this to be a very reassuring joke about how terrible he could make the occasion, but sadly the relief never came. He was dead serious and now this wedding is going to be a shambles, just in case there was any confusion prior to now.


For some sadistic reason, the bride visits her ideal wedding location even though she’s not in charge of anything

This makes no sense to me, a Don’t Tell The Bride virgin who is currently in the process of losing her DTTB virginity and mind. The entire premise of the show is that the groom does everything, so all the bride should be doing is turning up on the day and pulling a few faces for entertainment value. What is the logic of her and a car full of bridesmaids driving to a beautiful wedding venue and marvelling at how short the commute from the hotel to church would take? It’s the most sadistic thing I’ve ever seen. It’s like taking a diabetic child to the Haribo factory just to see how everything is made. This programme is sick and makes no sense.



It’s starting to feel like Carl and Rebecca are one of those couples that enjoy relentlessly pranking each other, then fighting about it for a while and then swiftly making up to do it all over again. Carl is making genuine plans for Rebecca to parasail onto the altar, which is going to be an inflatable water activity thing. Meanwhile, Rebecca is sipping champagne with her girls as they jest over which flowers would attract the least amount of pollen into the ancient church. Carl couldn’t even keep his puke down for the boat journey back from parasailing, yet we’re to believe that he’s going to happily send his wife-to-be 800ft into the air whilst wearing a wedding dress, then dismount and exchange vows on an inflatable water park? Carl, my dude, you are too much.


As a visual aid, Carl asks the lady in the shop to try on the dress he’s eyeing up for Rebecca and she was having none of it

Hard to pinpoint specifically what’s so funny about this situation, but I can’t quench my stifled chuckle at this lady’s discomfort at trying on one of the expensive dresses she’s selling. Her posture is so weird, why are her shoulders hunched so dramatically and why is she grabbing it at the back? We know you’re not Rebecca, you’re nowhere near her age, shape or ethnicity, but you could at least try here, lady. Poor Carl had literally no other choice than to choose you as his model. This isn’t Spain’s Next Top Model Don’t Tell The Bride, although that would make for a terrific television show. Nobody tell Channel 4, I’m going to pitch it to them later today. Wish me luck!


Carl booked the girls a surprise hen do in Spain two days before the wedding, making him the tightest man alive

Carl is the tightest man alive. He booked a hen do in Malaga, asked the girls to all chip in £150 and scheduled it for two days before the wedding which takes place an hour away from their destination. The cheapskate has somehow swindled his way out of having to pay for any extra flights. The hen party plans consisted of a table (no drinks) being booked in a nightclub and that is it. Those are the hen party plans. A trip to a nightclub in Malaga. Not content with cutting enough corners in this endeavour, Carl then scheduled the wedding for the next day. He skimped out by having the hen party two nights before the wedding, so the girls were already in the area. If this isn’t the most stunning display of scrounging, I’m not sure what is.


Rebecca was invited to her own wedding via a message scrawled on a banana skin

They say romance is dead, but somehow it has gotten even deader. Part of the cheapskate Carl’s hen do celebrations for Rebecca involved her trying on a hideous wedding dress for size, then opening a secret box to reveal a banana inviting her to her own wedding. Rebecca was understandably flustered, given that she hadn’t anticipated her wedding ever taking place with two days’ notice, nor finding this information out via a banana skin. This isn’t quite the fairytale she had imagined, and I cannot fucking wait for her to be informed of the parasailing plans. If everything goes according to plan, Carl is teeing this up nicely to be the worst wedding in the history of all humanity.


It happened and I can’t thank Carl enough for providing me with the sight of a bride parasailing into her own wedding

Truly, it is a memory that will last a lifetime. I’m convinced that Carl is secretly a television producer because this entire episode was created by someone who knows their way around good content. Watching a bride hitch her wedding dress up to an unsightly height while two men tie some string around the train of it is a sight what I will never forget, not as long as I live. Her father was a good sport about it all, but Rebecca couldn’t conceal her disinterest in the situation.

Carl made the best decision for entertainment, not for his wife, and I think that will stand to him in later life. This ceremony was never about love, they already know that they loved each other. Carl put on his editorial hat and made something that the viewer would love and subsequently write 1,700 words about. That to me is the kind of man I’d like to marry. Carl, when this marriage inevitably falls apart, call me.


BONUS CONTENT: These tubular crisps are indecipherable thanks to sophisticated post-production blurring techniques

Are they Cheetos? Lay’s? McCoy’s? Hula Hoops? We will simply never know.

All images via Channel 4