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18th Dec 2015

Things that irritate me about Star Wars, by someone who has never watched any of the films

Simon Lloyd

The entire world, or so it seems, is giddy with excitement at the release of the latest Star Wars film.

It’s impossible to escape it. It’s in the news; it’s on adverts; there’s merchandise in every shop you walk in to… it’s even creeping into weather reports.

For me, it’s all a little bit strange. Despite being on this Earth for the best part of three decades, I have never seen a single Star Wars film. And frankly, I don’t get what all the fuss is about.

I understand that in stating this, I’m opening myself up for plenty of stick. Having recently confessed to some mates in the pub that I was a Star Wars virgin (not the first time that word has appeared beside the film title), I was relentlessly ridiculed.

I completely respect the fact that it’s immensely popular, but I just don’t understand the hype. Here are just a few of the reasons why:

R2-D2 is undeserving of such heroic status

The characters, much in the same way as the film, have their own cult followings. Despite looking a bit like Cousin It, I sort of understand it with Chewbacca. He at least has a face and makes funny noises.

But then there’s R2-D2…I don’t know what it does in the films, but the genuine warmth people have for what essentially looks like a faceless next generation Henry the Hoover is something I’ll never be able to get my head around.


The whole “I am your father” business

Darth Vader turns out to be Luke Skywalker’s old man – meaning that one of the ‘greatest moments’ of this legendary series of films is nothing more than an episode of Jeremy Kyle in outer space.

'Star Wars Identities' Exhibtion Press Preview & VIP Opening

Nobody with a hairdo like Princess Leia’s  should ever be considered  ‘a bit of all right’

To many Star Wars fans, Princess Leia is described as if she’s some kind of goddess. Aside from wearing a bikini, a quick bit of internet research reveals that it’s also her hair that makes her so desirable.

How, exactly, is a woman that looks as if she’s trying to smuggle a couple of Danish Pastries out of Starbucks under her barnet considered sexy?

BERLIN, GERMANY - MAY 08: A wax figure of the actress Carrie Fisher as the Star Wars character Leia Organa is displayed on the occasion of Madame Tussauds Berlin Presents New Star Wars Wax Figures at Madame Tussauds on May 8, 2015 in Berlin, Germany. (Photo by Clemens Bilan/Getty Images)

Some of the character names are unnecesarily weird

I understand that this is to create the feeling that everything is taking place ‘in a galaxy far, far away’, so giving silly names to the alieny-type characters makes sense.

Han Solo on the other hand, just sounds like a sex act.

They wear Parker jackets

Also spoiling the illusion that it all takes place in a far-off galaxy is the way in which the characters wear Parker coats when in the cold. Even early noughties Blazin’ Squad could do that.

Blazin' Squad Play Wembley Arena

Lightsabers are ultimately pointless

From what I’m told, there are guns in Star Wars. There are even characters that have the ability to make an enemy go hurtling through the air by merely raising their hand.

With that in mind, why do they insist on trying to kick the sh*t out of each other with these fancy light-up swords?

Launch Of Star Wars Attraction At Madame Tussauds

Given the enthusiasm people have for the film, what’s written above is likely to p*ss a few folk off.

After all, I am an outsider looking at something that I have very little knowledge of.

So I suppose, with the excitement surrounding the new film showing no sign of going away, maybe it’s time I take the plunge. But I’m determined to be disappointed, of course.