I reviewed The Godfather even though I’ve never seen The Godfather

It's okay, I hate me too.

One of my favourite pastimes is telling people I haven't seen a movie just to gauge how much of a nerd they are from their reaction. "Oh my God, you haven't seen Scarface? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?". Honestly, nothing. I've just had better things to be doing, like drinking. Anyway, I woke up this morning and decided I'd do something that has never ever been done before. Then I quickly realised that everything has already been done. So now I'm going to infuriate every single fan of The Godfather by ignorantly reviewing it having never actually seen it before. What you're about to read is how someone would write a review of The Godfather for school, having very clearly never watched it.

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Acting Woah boy was the acting something special in The Godfather. Ryan Gosling, who played the role of The Godfather, really smashed it. One particular scene where he was chatting to his godson, played by the gifted Jacob Tremblay, honestly moved me to tears. My favourite part was when he pretended to forget that it was Jacob's birthday, showed up to their house empty handed and then after dinner he produced a surprise Scalextric. It was gripping and he was unfairly snubbed for an Oscar in 1972. The Godfather's father, played by John Goodman's friend, was exceptional. He had a permanent look of bemusement on his face, which juxtaposed perfectly with his wife, Marcia Cross's concerned disposition. The entire cast was perfect, I couldn't imagine anyone else delivering those iconic lines "You must respect me, I am your Godfather". It's shiver inducing. Wow. Such a powerful and famous piece of dialogue. Probably the biggest underdog of the entire film was the literal dog, Chappie. I can see why they made a film inspired by his name 43 years later. He was so charming and always sensed when The Godfather was feeling sad or stressed. Just a simple paw upon his lap would provide him with the strength he needed to carry on and face whatever tribulations came his way. Truly a remarkable performance.   Cinematography What can I say about the cinematography in The Godfather that hasn't already been said? It's utterly breathtaking. The use of soft focus really accentuates the struggles this poor family had to endure. The death of his godson's goldfish at the tender age of four was played out beautifully on our screens. At times, I almost felt unworthy of such splendid visuals. One particular scene that really put The Godfather on the map was when they were on top of the mountain where the goats frequently grazed. When Ryan Gosling's character screamed at the top of his lungs out of unbridled anguish, we got a beautiful widescreen view of the scenery. That's an image ingrained in my memory when I think of The Godfather. Shortly after he screamed, another scream bellowed out from the nearby Von Trapp family and, need I remind you, thus prompted one of the most intense dance offs we've ever been privileged to witness on our screens. As all fans of this movie know, everything rests on the final scene. Having read the book previously, I was nervous to see if the film would live up to my admittedly very high expectations. Luckily, it did. The close up on The Godfather was perfect, you could see every emotion etched into his withered face. When he finally beat his godson in the World Cup Scalextric match, I found myself jumping with relief as well. There was so much riding on it and the camerawork captured it perfectly. His reputation remained intact, as did the DOP's.   Script There's so many quotes from The Godfather circling my thoughts at all times, it's hard to even attempt to evaluate their brilliance. The scriptwriter, John Madeupsurname, has outdone himself this time. I'm a huge fan of his work so my expectations were set firmly through the roof. Would Madeupsurname be able to pull it off again? Would he delight every film buff, myself included? Yes. Yes he would.

"Listen up, godson. I am your Godfather now and I need you to respect me, okay buddy? Can you do that for me? Good. Now that I have earned your respect, I need a quick favour from you. I've developed a very slight addiction to Candy Crush. I've used up all my lives for today and it's telling me that I can have another one if a friend sends it on. What I'm asking, godson, is will you please send me a spare life? I know you're scared. I am too. But I need you to do this. You are my godson and I your The Godfather."

After much deliberation, I finally selected the above as my favourite quote from the movie. I had a shortlist that was a long as my entire body, but I'm confident in my choice. This particular combination of words is nothing short of poetry. It's hypnotic. John Madeupsurname has, pardon my language, h*cking nailed it beyond belief. Why doesn't he just write the script for everything going forward? Pack up your things, other scriptwriters, because he has the market completely sewn up. He's iconic.   Soundtrack You chumps hardly thought I'd write a comprehensive review of The Godfather without mentioning the soundtrack, did you? I'm not a moron, of course I'm going to include it. Give me a little credit, as evidenced by this entire piece, I'm clearly a seasoned movie critic. The soundtrack, where do I even begin? Oh yes, it's flawless. It's like a gift sent to us from the angels up above. Gun to my head, if you asked me my favourite soundtrack ever, I'd obviously say it's The Godfather soundtrack. They say a picture speaks a thousand words, but a sound speaks ten thousand words, so who's really doing the heavy lifting here? This movie would be nothing without the flawless combination of picture and sound. For any IDIOTS that haven't bothered to watch The Godfather (seriously, what's wrong with you?), I urge you to start from the beginning and allow the first twelve minutes to blow your fragile little mind. The cowbell solo in the first scene, although bat shit on paper, works so well it brought a tear to my eye. There's a consistency in the soundtrack that reminds me of a modern day opera. Music is everywhere, you know? It's in our heads, it's on our fingertips, it's on our iPods. Oh boy, the soundtrack for The Godfather, let me tell you, it's really something. But don't just take my word for it, lazy bones, listen to it yourself and form your own opinions. I'm not here to spoon feed you!   Overall Thoughts The Godfather, which is a movie that I have definitely watched, is brilliant. From the outset you can tell it's going to be a spectacle. With acting heavyweights such as Ryan Gosling, Marcia Cross, John Goodman's friend and emerging star Jacob Tremblay, it's hard to imagine anyone else filling those iconic roles. They were born to play those characters and we're all privileged to get to witness them fulfil their acting prophecies. The cinematography is breathtaking from start to finish. Using cameras to film the entire thing was a great choice and I highly approve of it. Add to that, some of the finest scriptwriting this godforsaken world has ever seen, plus a soundtrack that will truly stand the test of time, and you've got a winning formula. The Godfather is perfection from start to finish. I, along with many others, eagerly await the sequel, 'Look Who's Godfathering Now', due out next year.