Azealia Banks leaked Rihanna’s phone number so that I could become her best friend.
The number has since been deleted from Azealia’s Instagram. Luckily, some screenshots emerged on Twitter – there’s always screenshots – so I added her to my phonebook in part one of a two-part effort to secure Rihanna as my new best friend.
Part two was deciding to text her.
So here is the story of how I became best friends with Rihanna.
First, I decided to keep it casual, mostly to lure Rihanna into a sense of safety, comfort and familiarity.
No response. I decided to shift tactics. To trick Rihanna into thinking we’re best friends, I asked her a question that you would only ever ask your best friend. Probably.
Still no reply. I decided to play to her interests. It’s no secret that Rihanna likes a bit of the magic dragon, so I expertly timed this next message.
Nothing. Time to resort to humour. Tragically, these are the fruits of my A-game.
Ignored again, I went for a slightly better joke, this time incorporating her real name.
This was getting embarrassing. I sat back, took stock of my efforts and came up with what is sure to be crowned the best joke of 2017.
Okay, clearly humour isn’t Rihanna’s thing. What about a bit of wordplay with her name again, surely this will get her attention?
Nada. At this point, I decided that flattery might be the way to charge her battery and get this friendship current flowing.
Zilch. At this point, I was bereft. Was I making a show of myself? Why wouldn’t Rihanna talk to me? I’m not a quitter, so I drafted what is sure to be crowned the second best joke of 2017. (For the best, see above).
I won’t lie. At this point, I was angry. Who the hell does Rihanna think she is? I’m an absolute catch and her life would be infinitely better with me in it. I drafted one final text and her reply (or lack thereof) spoke volumes.
And that is the story of how I became best friends with Rihanna.
