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20th Mar 2018

BREAKING: CAKE OUTRAGE as Meghan and Harry DEMAND lemon elderflower sponge in STUNNING Royal Wedding power move

There will be NO traditional fruit cakes at the Royal Wedding this year other than Prince Charles

Kyle Picknell

Those bloody foreigners coming over here and marrying our Princes and enjoying the rich, creamy texture of lemon cake.

Remember the good old days? Remember when you could have a Royal Wedding and everyone would be happy with the traditional fruit cake? Well those days are gone. GONE. This is the world now, and a new world order is rising up, and that world order would rather have a lemon and elderflower sponge cake infused with the intoxicating fragrances of spring and decorated with buttercream and flowers and some other shit. And we, the general public, are just expected to be OK with that. We are just supposed to accept it. Sickening.

Prince Harry and Ms. Markle, if those are even their real names, have shunned not only the Royal Family, but Great Britain, and everything we stand for as a lonely isle drifting about in a snowstorm atop a cold, restless sea. That great British tradition, the tradition of a big fuck-off fruit cake that probably costs more than most people earn in a year, is gone. It is dead. How can we live like this? How can we go on?

Oh, Claire Ptak by the way, lovely Claire Ptak who is going to make their delicious cake, IS ALSO AMERICAN. From AMERICA. You’ll barely be able to believe this but she is Californian, just like Meghan. CALIFORNIA, people. The place in AMERICA.

Perhaps worse of all is the fact that they have committed to using organic ingredients. Not foxes and quail and whatever else they usually have in their Royal Wedding cake. Organic. Ingredients. Once again, I feel sick to my stomach. What tosh.

Are you starting to see people? Are you starting to see what is happening here? Can you smell the conspiracy? I think I need a lie down.

What happened to honest British pastry chefs – big Darren from Wigan – getting paid exorbitant amounts of money for an honest day’s work making 20 foot tall cakes that probably, mostly, get fed to swans afterwards, anyway? Where, along the way, did we lose our collective national identity and fall so far and so hard?

Call it off. Just call it off. It has descended into farce. Better yet, reschedule it for July in the Staples Centre, downtown LA, and then they can have hot dogs and onion rings and Kobe Bryant and maybe Harry walking down the aisle draped in a stars and stripes tuxedo like it’s a cheap Vegas show. The traitors Ed Sheeran and James Corden both dressed as Elvis and singing “Oh say can’t you see” at the back. That’s what they deserve. That’s the only wedding these people deserve. This country is dead to me.