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20th Jul 2022

COMMENT: Love Island’s men are a handbook on how not to treat women

Maddy Mussen

The men of Love Island this year are unquestionably the worst behaved that we have ever seen

Year on year, we are treated to a buffet of bad manners and enough red flags to provide 50 per cent of the bunting for whatever elaborately expensive Royal celebration this country has next. But on this year’s Love Island, in particular, the men have been letting their side down in spectacular fashion.

And like, unusually so? It’s got to the point now where the men appearing on the show are on par with the worst men you know. The ones in your friendship group you’d warn your mate away from dating, that you’d never let go on a lads’ holiday if you were their girlfriend, that you’d get the ick from if you saw the way they speak to their mum.

I get it, they’re placed into unusually intense situations, are constantly observed, and gently prodded in certain directions to please the cameras, but there’s a disconnect forming between the boys, the girls, and the audience this year that is quickly becoming a chasm.

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The girls are far out of the boys’ league, that has been made clear. But they have to choose someone, so to the best of a sour bunch of grapes they go. The female audience members watching from outside the villa, however, are not in literal captivity with these men, so we know this behaviour would send us running. And hopefully, men are now seeing it too.

In case it’s not been blindingly obvious though – if you are a man, take this season as a lesson.

Do not, ever, act like the men on Love Island. They may be presented as male Adonises with charm and wit, but they have never been more unattractive to the majority of women, all because of their behaviour.

Oh, and don’t be fooled by the women staying by their side in the villa. If you acted like that in the real world, Michael Owen would knock you out and Gemma would be running a mile.

The Love Island male behaviour handbook is a simple one, after all. The first rule is: never apologise for any of your actions, ever. Simply turn any argument onto your partner. Uno reverse card ’em, who cares about their feelings right lads! LADS LADS LADS!

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Secondly, lie all the time. Even if you are televised around the clock and there’s a high chance it will come back on you. Just lie.

Thirdly, if a woman is upset, she must be making it up and it cannot ever be your fault. If you have upset your partner, just laugh at them and say “why you getting upset for?” or “you look cute when you’re angry”. Y’know, real turning-the-screw head-fuck stuff.

And finally, you are absolutely, always, allowed to cheat.

You can explore whatever romantic connections you want, you can maybe even do some heavy petting, because this is all a respectful “test” of your affections towards your partner. After all, how can one be sure of their allegiance to a partner without trying it on with someone else first.

The woman in your relationship is not allowed to do the same, though, because that would make you look like too much of a mug.

If you follow these simple rules, you can successfully drive away the most beautiful woman you have ever seen even if she is forced to be in the same location as you, 24 hours a day, and share a bed with you.

In other words, if you are a man: never act like this, please, we’re begging you. And Love Island producers – do an Otis Redding with your male contestants next year, and try a little tenderness. It’ll pay off, I promise.