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07th Nov 2017

Nine bizarre things that happen during the Fifty Shades Freed trailer

Yes that is Mr. Blobby officiating their wedding

Ciara Knight

Yes, they appear to have made another one.

We’ve been treated to the trailer for the final instalment of the Fifty Shades movie series – Fifty Shades Freed.

Having chosen against watching any of the previous movies, it’ll be another hard pass from me on this one.

Why? I’ll let you figure that out for yourself:

Perhaps my eyes were playing tricks on me, but noticed some pretty bizarre stuff in that trailer.

Someone drew an elaborate penis on Christian Grey’s lampshade??

Fifty Shades of not okay. Luckily, Christian doesn’t appear to have noticed it but he’s going to be h*cking mad when he does. Lampshade covers are notoriously difficult to clean. Is this perhaps a relevant plot point in the movie? Does it go all American Vandal in an unprecedented turn of events? Doubt it.

Christian Grey’s chauffeur is a dog??

It’s a real blink and you’ll miss it moment, but I managed to screengrab the point we were shown that Christian Grey’s chauffeur is a literal dog. He looks like a very competent driver and I’m sure he’s got all the necessary credentials to secure the job, but wouldn’t Christian feel more comfortable driving himself around? This movie is nonsense.

Mr. Blobby officiates their wedding???

It’s a bold casting choice but one that’s sure to delight fans of smutty movies and children’s television alike. I suspect he dances up a storm at the wedding reception when he finally gets to let loose after playing the role of a respected professional all day. Classic Blob.

There’s a massive shark in the water but nobody cares because Christian Grey is topless??

Depending on your orientation (human or fish), your eyes are likely to be drawn to the lust-inducing body shown above, or Jamie Dornan. Either way, those people are going to die because of this man’s selfish decision to wear very little clothing into the sea. Even the lifeguard has failed to notice a shark approaching the shore.

Anastasia has a tentacle??

Admittedly I haven’t seen any of the previous Fifty Shades movies, but I never knew one of the main characters was part-mammal. It’s an interesting plot twist and one I’m sure will be appreciated by fans who are part-mammal and thus crave representation on the silver screen. You go girl!

Will Smith makes a very subtle cameo??

Anastasia is seen sitting at her desk which consists of two piles of paper and seven copies of the same book, but if you draw your eyes to the right of the screen, BAZINGA! Big Willy is poking through the window and having a whale of a time. Is this part of the movie or did he just happen to be on set when they were filming? You’ll have to watch to find out.

They spelled ‘phenomenon’ wrong??

Photoshopped spelling mistakes aside, we need to address the assertion that the Fifty Shades movies are a ‘worldwide phenomenon’. Really? I would say the Ebola virus was a worldwide phenomenon, maybe even the time Mariah Carey tweeted that one of her albums was 20 years old and that she ‘wasn’t even born then’. But Fifty Shades? No. I absolutely forbid it.

Christian Grey has a signed poster from Neil Buchanan hanging in his living room??

I can confirm that this is a genuine autographed Neil Buchanan poster because I’ve cross-referenced it with my own one and the story checks out. But what possible fascination could a handsome multimillionaire have with a children’s TV artist? Perhaps it’s his freedom of artistic expression or proximity to PVA glue at all times. Either way, this is a deeply troubled man.

Christian Grey uses Matey bubble bath??

Ahoy there Matey, you’ve been caught for some pretty blatant product placement, buddy. Christian Grey, an attractive and wealthy man still uses Matey bubble bath? More importantly, he uses it IN THE SHOWER? Alright, I’ve had enough. This movie is cancelled.

All images via YouTube