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10th Jun 2019

Liverpool linked to Portuguese banger merchant Bruno Fernandes

Kyle Picknell

Let me tell you something: Bruno Fernandes can kick a football

I mean really kick it. He will kick the fucking living shit out of it. Look at the goals he has scored this season. LOOK AT THEM.

Left foot, right foot, the occasional header… inside the box, miles outside of it… Bruno Fernandes really is a player who can sit in a restaurant, confidently order his dinner, and then finish it. And dessert too. And then maybe a shot of espresso or two before he leaves. AND he tips generously. I bet. I don’t know. But I do, really. I’m sure he does. You’d hope so, wouldn’t you?

Anyway, the point is Liverpool Football Club, current Champions League holders, are looking to add the foot-like-a-traction-engine Portuguese midfielder to their ranks for next season.

And the additional point is that Fernandes, the current captain of Sporting Lisbon and now a UEFA Nations League winner, is fluttering his eyelashes back in their general direction. Speaking on the De Cadeirinha podcast last month, the player admitted his admiration of Jurgen Klopp’s side.

“I really like Liverpool. It’s a more direct, more offensive, perhaps less organised, but more intense football,” he explained.

“When they don’t have ball possession, they are more intense.”

According to the Lisbon tabloid Correio de Manha, the most-circulated daily newspaper in Portugal, the Reds are “looking for an opportunity” to sign the attacking midfielder in return.

The paper does add, however, that the Champions League runners-up Tottenham Hotspur are, ostensibly, in pole-position to sign the Portuguese international.

Whatever happens, and indeed, whichever club Fernandes does join this summer – Pep Guardiola’s Manchester City have also been rumoured to be interested in the player in the past – I think I can speak for everyone when I say this: it would be an absolute pleasure to see him come over here, to the Premier League, and twat footballs in from impossible distances.

That is always encouraged. That is always appreciated, by us, the true football fans. The fans of golazos. The fans of Morten Gamst Pedersen and Thomas Hitzlsperger and Tugay and Pedro Mendes and Fabio Rochemback.

To all the banger merchants: come one, come all. We miss you and we love you. The Premier League is a lot worse for your absence.