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10th Jul 2017

A food critic called mince on toast a “traditional English dish” and the Brits kicked off big time

"Never ever ever ever ever, ever ever in a month of Sundays ever ever has anyone in Britain eaten this mess"

Rich Cooper

Britain has a proud culinary history. Honestly, it’s not all terrible.

Fish and chips. The Sunday roast. The Full English breakfast. Steak and kidney pies. Bubble and squeak. Lancashire hotpot. Bangers and mash.

One classic British dish you won’t find up there with the greats is mince on toast, because it’s not a British classic. It never has been. No one eats mince on toast. It’s not a thing.

Seems that no one told foodie site Eater, who put out a video in which Nick Solares, host of The Meat Show, paid a visit to London’s Quality Chop House to sample Britain’s world-famous mince on toast, which as we’ve discussed is not a thing.

Okay, we’re being disingenuous. Some people probably do eat mince on toast, and it’s almost certainly delicious – it definitely looks it in the video. But Eater presented the video by calling the meal a “quintessential British comfort classic” on Twitter, and as Solares says in the video, “a traditional English dish”.

This is, of course, bollocks. Big bollocks. Big, slowly-roasted bollocks, garnished with parsley and slopped out into chunky earthenware bowls, served with crusty bread and a yard of ale.

The Brits were quick to jump on this, as they often are when the air is rich with the stink of nonsense.

Eater promptly stepped in to correct themselves, putting it down to a poor choice of wording.

But that didn’t stop the throng of Brits from piling in on our apparent culinary classic.

It has been firmly established that, however you word it, mince on toast is simply not a thing that Britain is known for. It’s not even one of our many secret shames.

However, go and watch the video. It does look delicious. Despite it not being a thing. At all.

“What I’m smelling is grass-fed beef,” says host Nick Solares as the bastard dish sits in front of him. “It’s got a very profound, distinct flavour.”

He takes a bite.

“That is pretty intense, pretty rich. The mouth feel is bolognese-y but even more chunky and almost more flaky.

“It’s actually richer than a steak,” Solares remarks.

“A really satisfying dish. It really does kind of take you back to when your mother was cooking mince on the stove and you’d grab a piece of bread and dip it in, and scurry off into the park.”

Oh, for those endless summers when I would scurry off into the park with my friends, each of us clutching a slice of Mighty White dripping with mince and gravy.

Not. A. Thing.