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11th July 2022
04:55pm BST
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But somehow, those pesky Tories keep making their way into the villa, and with the obvious poshos often outed so instantly, the ones that remain can be wolves in sheep's clothing. I know we all like to think of our beloved ITV moneymaking machine as a socialist paradise, but Love Islanders have flaws like any other person and regrettably, they are also able to vote. So we ranked them for you in order of Tory probability, just in case want to know who to vote out next. Exercise your democratic right, and all that.
Andrew is an estate agent from Guernsey, where you pay very little tax, who lives in Dubai, a luxury skyscraper hellscape built by vulnerable migrant workers, where you… pay very little tax. He’s an “international estate agent” and has the type of shit tattoos you most commonly see on the hides of private school boys that are trying to piss off their dads. His name is also Andrew Le Page. Andrew. Le. Page. All this combined means he might even be the most Tory contestant of all time - and that’s saying something, considering that he’s competing with bucket hat salesmen and poachers.
And do you really think once he moves into a new build high rise in Battersea to cash in on a BoohooMan deal he’ll change his most definitely Tory ways? Like some sort of schmuck? Not our Andrew Le Page!
The long term Tory project is to turn the UK into a soulless, low tax husk with no culture to speak of, like Dubai, or Andrew.
Most English people would be shocked to see Jay so high up on this list. But once again, just as night follows day, English people are proven to not understand Scotland.
To those in the know (me, JOE’s only Scottish employee), Jay is the textbook definition of a certain type of Scot. He’s a financial analyst who went to boarding school and, most damningly, he’s from Musselburgh, essentially the Guildford of Scotland.
Jay definitely calls Nicola Sturgeon ‘wee nippy’ and his response to Scottish independence would be to leave Scotland.
I regret to inform you that Gemma Owen is, in our estimations, almost certainly a big ol’ Tory. A tweet from her father Michael Owen about voting in 2015 can only lead us to believe he’s talking about lending his X in the box to David Cameron, and Gemma is definitely the type of gal to vote the same way as her dad.
She’s only 19, to be fair, and has had very little time to make her own political choices, plus I don’t think she really wants to. Remember when Lana Del Rey said she cared more about “space travel” than feminism? This is the aura Gemma gives off. She also keeps twelve horses in her family home, which tells you enough.
https://twitter.com/themichaelowen/status/593690771649363968?s=20&t=P-ehNcOYK2pXTSLXt3Xpsg
Tasha doesn’t initially scream Tory but she was coupled up with Andrew for too long to feign ignorance of his clear Conservatism, which means she knew, and she didn’t mind it. This is basically like being a Tory yourself. A Tory bystander in the streets is a Tory in the sheets, so I’m not being fooled. And let’s all take a second to recall that tit-sucking-gate was her final straw with Andrew, not his glaringly obvious political alignments. Imagine being that arsed about tit sucking, or whatever. Very Tory.
She’s also definitely the type of person to randomly kind of respect Priti Patel because she thinks she’s a “girlboss”.
Ekin-Su definitely isn’t an out-and-out Tory but she does seem like she’d vote for the lady wearing a blue rosette she met outside the polling station because had a nice dog and said ‘Isn’t the weather nice today?’
She’d have gone with every intention of voting for, I dunno, a small-time independent candidate who promised to save the local lido but before you know it, she’s lurched into voting Tory, much like she lurched into Jay’s lap on the terrace.
Danica, while a perfectly good choice, has a hard time getting picked. She’s not a very good orator, and her words sometimes come out cringey and half-baked. In theory, she’s charming and attractive enough to do very well in her post, but somehow she always seems to mess it up and give people the ick.
Yes, I’m going to say it. Danica is Keir Starmer. Therefore: quite Tory (lol) but not enough to be in the actual Tory party. Right in the middle: moderate and mild, like she and Keir are in everything else.
Dami is loyal to no man. You could literally buy his vote if you wanted to. He has no alliances and makes no promises. When Dami enters that voting booth, he’s as likely to pick Keir Starmer as he is Count Binface, or to spoil his vote by drawing a smiley face.
However, he is Irish and therefore presumably in favour of the Good Friday Agreement, so there’s a limit to just how Tory this man can be. This puts him smack in the centre of the list. Unaligned, unbothered, unfocused, occupying every lane but still somehow flourishing.
“Liar, actress, get the fuck out.”
Was our leave to remain king describing Ekin-Su or the Tory government? ?
Luca Bish, famously, sells fish. Who’s been betrayed by the government’s fisheries policy? People who sell fish.
If the man whose entire personality and even footwear is based on his profession rhyming with his surname doesn’t show up and stand with his fellow workers, or he’s got a lot to answer for.*
*Here’s looking at you Francis Bourgeois and train strikers.
Jacques? A Tory? You think you can head to Castleford Tigers training and leave with your teeth still in your head after voting Tory? Get real. He’d have his head kicked in in every night club between St Helens and Wigan by two props named Terry [46 England caps between them].
A rugby league player voting Tory? Honestly.
Paige is Welsh *and* a paramedic which means not only is she a Labour gal, she’s also anti-Tory to her core. She had this realisation during the pandemic, when she said to her dad over dinner one night that “actually, I don’t like being paid in 8pm claps, I’d quite like some money please.” (Read it in the accent, you have to read it in the accent. Did you read it in the accent?)
She’s so underpaid she’s had to go on Love Island to cover her energy bills and she’s STILL gonna crack on as a paramedic when she gets back. Paige is one tough day/Jacques cheating scandal away from vowing to overthrow the bourgeoisie.
Being a waitress at the Four Seasons hotel in London for nine months (yes, we checked her LinkedIn) is second only to working for Salt Bae to make you hate every wealthy person in existence, so this girl definitely ain’t voting Tory any time soon. And if they’re paying higher tax under Labour, maybe they’ll be priced out of fine hotel dining and Indiyah will never have to serve them again.
Indiyah also gives off the vibe that she has a mum who’s been a long term Labour councillor for the London borough of West Walthamingtonshire or whatever, for 30+ years. Never loses her seat, basically runs unopposed. Indiyah did a bit of canvassing back in the day and she knows the colour red looks good on her, so what’s more to say? She's our leftie queen.
All images courtesy of ITV.
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