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24th Jul 2021

Covid could be spread through flatulence, say ministers

Danny Jones

Flatulence could spread Covid-19

Time to mask up your arse, I guess

According to the experts, Covid-19 could be spread through flatulence or farting, to us commoners. A lot of partners are now finding another reason to tell the bloke off for having a cheeky trump. They do advise ventilation in order to slow the spread of Covid so this only gives you more reason.

Ministers have reportedly pointed to evidence that Covid could be spread by people farting in confined spaces such as lavatories. One said they had read “credible-looking stuff on it” from other countries, though no government scientist is yet to produce conclusive findings on the matter.

The same source said there had been evidence of a “genomical-linked tracing connection between two individuals from a [lavatory] cubicle in Australia”, as well as “well-documented cases of diseases spreading through waste pipes during lockdowns in Hong Kong when the U-bend had dried out”.

Once again, the science is not definitive but and another minister noted that as Covid is “a respiratory disease, transmission and shedding is mostly taking place through the mouth and actually mainly the nose”.

The PM’s spokesperson said he was not aware of claims that the virus can be spread by flatulence, but assured that “We keep the latest scientific evidence under review.” The question is, however, if it is true how likely are we to spread coronavirus with our bottoms?

Well, not very, in truth; because we obviously wear clothing over those parts – i.e. a pair of undies and some trousers, say – these layers already help filter out harmful particles. So don’t worry, you don’t really need to buy a mask for your bum.

Reports of infected flatulence first emerged in Australia last year when Norman Swan, an Australian medic, advised on an ABC podcast: “No bare-bottom farting”. To be fair, it’s very we fart with nothing on at all – unless you’re in the shower, in which case you deserve what’s coming to you.

Scientists discovered that traces of the virus could be detected in sewage early in the pandemic; in the UK, officials ramped up a programme to analyse wastewater back in May and the programme now covers two-thirds of England’s population.