Share
25th July 2017
07:37pm BST
Cast your eyes to the left of the screenshot above and you'll notice a dancer who is currently experiencing a television studio environment for the very first time. He positions himself into the left of the frame, then realises that the camera is quite possibly catching him. Rather than move himself out of shot, he leans slightly to the right in a bid to conceal his dancer face which we must never see as it will surely distract us from the intensity of his moves.
The swaying camera catches the dancer a second time, at which point the shot cuts to another angle, presumably while the floor manager gives him a good caning for attempting (and failing) to sabotage Katie Price's debut performance on Loose Women. Save your antics for This Morning, pal. This is Loose fucking Women, this isn't amateur hour. Tens of people will be watching at home and if you're not going to commit to this dance routine, you make take yourself elsewhere young man. Not on Katie's watch.
Someone's nan gets in the way
Not quite sure what the brief was for this particular shot, but I'm pretty sure someone has ballsed things up here. Casting my mind into the world of television production, what I feel was intended here was some good old fashioned camera trickery to make it appear as though Katie was surrounded by hordes of adoring fans during the performance. Instead, what has happened was an old woman whose name is probably Joan stuck her noggin right into the shot.
Joan didn't realise what she was doing. There was a huge camera pointing in her general direction, of course she would need to prop herself up to investigate what was what. She'd forgotten her glasses that day, packed the bloody reading ones instead of the long distance. Always happens, she should really get a chain to keep them around her neck at all times. Anyway, chance would be a fine thing. Joan didn't mean any harm against Katie, she hopes she makes it all the way to judges' houses on this year's X Factor.
One of the dancers has a light penis, which is like a regular penis except it is made of light
If you squint a bit, you'll see it there on the right. What you're looking at is a genetically modified penis, something that Katie Price has very likely requested for this specific dance routine. It adds an element of fun to the performance, but not so much that you're distracted from her stunning vocals. It's a relatively non-invasive procedure. The surgeon simply cuts off the penis and attaches a large studio light which can be changed to display a wide range of both primary and secondary colours.
Penis Lights aren't as expensive as you'd think. For the price of a cup of coffee (plus £7,000) per month for a year, you too could add some pizzazz to your dance troupe. Other possibilities include Nipple Lights, Teeth Lights and Light Lights. Ask your GP about Penis Lights, and use the code P3N1S L1GH7S to get 10% off. Penis Lights. For you. For now. For life. For Katie Price.
The audience was cordoned off to prevent any mosh pits / attempts to touch Katie
If you allow your eyes to traverse the bottom of the screen, you'll notice that the rather excitable Loose Women audience has been cordoned off by some prop materials. Do not allow yourself to be deceived by this spectacle, this is not being done in jest. The producers have thought this situation through and deemed there to be enough of a risk that the audience would either commence a brutal mosh pit or storm the makeshift stage to get a closer glimpse and potentially even a high five from Pricey.
Look at those mongrels in the audience. They are rife with the temptation to case a scuffle of some sort, all in the name of some high-quality music and a breathtaking dance routine. But today they shan't get away with it, for their intentions have been anticipated and preemptively quelled. They may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom, etc.
Ruth Langsford is having the fucking time of her life. Coleen Nolan, not so much
Katie took a very big gamble with her performance by leaving the designated singing area to address the crowd head on. That meant strutting her stuff immediately in front of the Loose Women couch. As you can clearly see in the screenshot above, it appears to have paid off, but only in the case of Ruth Langsford. She's positively captivated by Katie's song and accompanying dance moves. Ruth is enthusiastically clapping along like a seal awaiting its fill of shellfish.
Coleen is essentially Jim from The Office in this situation, displaying a disapproving stare for all to bear witness to. She refuses to engage in the spectacle that is unfolding in front of her eyes. Coleen Nolan was part of The Nolans for fuck sake. She knows music, she knows rhythm and she certainly knows dancing. Coleen boldly stares down the eye of the lens. "I will not conform", she telepathically informs the audience. good for you, Coleen.
Katie completes the performance with a subtle air punch because she's Katie fucking Price, that's why
How else do you complete the performance of a lifetime but with a very determined yet controlled air punch? Katie had this entire routine choreographed to the point of serious concern. She wanted to give off an air of spontaneity, whilst being in total control of the situation. Spade a spade, she's absolutely fucking nailed it. I found myself thinking 'What on earth is she going to do next? An air punch?', then like clockwork, she only went and did a bloody air punch.
What we have just witnessed together is perfection, through and through. Katie Price sang for her damn life and I'd be massively surprised if she hasn't been handed a record deal by now. The girl was born to sing, dance and put on a show. Katie Price is this generation's Cher. Loose Women didn't deserve such extravagant showmanship, nobody did. The year is 2017, but KP is out there living in 3017.
Explore more on these topics:
