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4th April 2018
05:23pm BST
The colour of carrots is nauseating. Let's talk about orange food in general for a second. Aside from the obvious (oranges), we've got pumpkins, butternut squash, Wotsits and, at a push, salmon. Have any of the aforementioned ever been your first choice for a snack? No. Pumpkins are glorified tea light holders, butternut squash is a nickname for Piers Morgan, Wotsits are fine and salmon is nothing special. On the whole, orange is not an appetising colour. Nothing delicious is orange in colour. That is a fact.
What about the stigma attached to the orange variety of anything? Orange Starburst, orange Smarties, orange Fruit Pastilles - they're all getting picked last. If you offer around some Fruit Pastilles, you'll hear an audible groan from the recipient if the previous sweet is removed to reveal an orange one underneath. The orange sweet is always the shittest one. Eating is a very visual thing. Something with the same colour as a traffic cone signifies danger. Carrots are dangerous and disgusting. They simply cannot be trusted.
Texture - Repugnant
Carrots are the Jimmy Fallon of the vegetable world. They're forever acting as an accompaniment to something better. Nobody has steak and carrots for dinner, perish the thought. Carrots are always playing second string to potatoes or other more acceptable veggies. What does this tell us about carrots? They're not good enough on their own, therefore they're not good enough full stop. If you can't enjoy something on its own, there's a very high chance that it is garbage. Ever had tea without milk? Brushed your teeth without toothpaste? Had tonic without gin? Trash, trash and once again, trash.
Think about the texture of a carrot for a second. Have you started to vomit yet? Good, you're on the right track. I've never had two batches of carrots that were cooked to the same level. One day, they're as soft as I imagine a baby's buttock would be to bite, the next, they've got a ferocious crunch that makes you harrowingly aware of the limitations of your own teeth. Raw or cooked, the texture of carrots is troubling. If carrots don't know what they are themselves, how the fuck are we ever supposed to know?
Taste - Foul
Carrots taste how a 6:30am Monday morning alarm clock feels, if the alarm clock looks, smells and tastes like vomit. Try to describe the taste of a carrot to someone that has never eaten a carrot before. You cannot. You simply cannot, at least not without using the word 'Vile'. The flavour of carrots goes against nature. It is a war crime. Take carrot cake for instance, if you can stomach the thought. Whomever looked at this pesticidic vegetable growing in the dirt and decided to combine it with the angelic mixture that is cake deserves to be shot at point blank range.
Imagine then, if you can stretch to it, being the kind of person that would pay their own hard-earned cash for such a monstrosity, for a friend or loved one that is celebrating their day of birth. Carrot cake is scum, but those that refuse to ignore its presence are worse. We all ignore brussels sprouts year-round with the exception of Christmas, so what's stopping us from doing the same with carrot cake and carrots in their purest form as well? Nothing.
Fanbase - Unstable Lunatics
As a former rabbit owner (rest in power, Rocky), let me assure you that those adorable creatures lose their reason over the faintest whiff of a carrot. They cannot get enough of those hellish orange vegetables and to see the joy they bring them is actually quite astounding. However, it is my duty to inform you that we cannot trust the palate of a rabbit. I have, on several occasions, witnessed my own flesh and blood adopted rabbit son eating his own faeces. He would casually drop a few little poop pellets, proceed to investigate the harvest, then suck it right back into his tiny body. Apparently it's an entirely normal means for rabbits getting nutrients back into their bodies that may be lost during the shitting process, but it's a despicable act nonetheless. The point is, if you're trying to defend the necessity for carrots in the human diet, you are siding with an animal that regularly and excitedly eats its own shit.
Health Benefits - Questionable
There's 25 calories in a carrot. But here are some alternatives that you can gorge yourself on for the same amount:
What have carrots ever done for the world? Think about it. How many world wars have they ended? Zero. How many world wars have they started? All of them. Both world wars were started over carrots. Don't believe me? Fine, enjoy living your life in ignorance and denial. Carrots have done nothing to stop terrorism, they're trash. Murderers eat carrots. They are sustaining the lowest of the low, unapologetically so. Hitler ate carrots. Bin Laden ate carrots. Saddam Hussein ate carrots, he couldn't get enough of them. The next time you engage in the ghastly act of preparing and then eating carrots, just remember that you're firmly on the wrong side of history. You're eating scum and therefore, you are scum. Get out of my sight (which has been unimpacted by carrots).
Feature image by David Dewitt
