This is an art attack. This is an art attack. This. Is. Art Attack.
Neil Buchanan is solely responsible for the hole in the Ozone layer. His seemingly easy-to-follow tutorials on how to create masterpieces were nothing short of a farce. He deeply overestimated our ability to follow basic instructions and then replicate what was being shown. He is the first grown-up that many of us ever learned to hate, for misleading us of our own capabilities. Barry Scott was second.
While it was ultimately a source of stress and anxiety for us ill-equipped folk (artistically speaking), Art Attack will forevermore be credited as a vital learning curve during many of our childhoods.
Here are seven important life lessons we all learned from Art Attack, whether we liked it or not.
1. You don’t need an entire functioning body to be happy
The Head was a prominent character on Art Attack, often found propped up in his own little art gallery offering up some terrible jokes and showing off his unique versions of Neil’s masterpieces. Despite very regularly making a complete shit show of the creation we’d just been shown, The Head always had a great upbeat attitude and genuinely seemed like a content little soul. He’s living proof that if you don’t make yourself laugh, then who can you?
It was reassuring to see that even if you had also brought shame upon your family by failing to simply cut out some shapes accurately, things could be a lot worse. Despite many calls for him to quit while he was a-head (lol), he still gave it a good go each time and never got too down about his shortcomings, like the inspirational and aspirational character that he was. From a psychological perspective, The Head had his fair share of issues, but technically we all do, so it was nice to see a torso-less man caught up in his own little world having an absolute blast. Also it definitely says ‘sex’ in his fringe.
2. PVA glue is more precious than gold
Literally everything on Art Attack required the ‘standard’ household item that is PVA glue. Want to do make a birthday card? PVA glue. Need to do some paper mache (or papier-mâché, if you absolutely insist)? PVA glue. Cut your hand open with the scissors? PVA glue. Want to truly connect with another person, show them the real you, be vulnerable and open, sharing everything there is to know about you? PVA glue. Retroactively watching the show, it’s clear that Art Attack was heavily sponsored by PVA glue and used every available opportunity to plug it.
Neil grossly overestimated the world’s access to PVA glue. Every single time I watched Art Attack, it would end in a heated argument with my parents regarding their obnoxious suggestion that I should try using Pritt Stick instead. “Not even Pritt Stick could keep this family together,” I’d shout. They didn’t understand the complexities of the artwork I was about to undertake. Pritt Stick can’t create a piggy bank paper mache with yoghurt cartons as feet and a pipe cleaner tail. Idiots. Just go to the art shop and spend £2.50 on a pot of PVA glue ffs.
3. You can bundle a load of old shit together and still call it art
Neil’s big masterpiece during each episode typically involved him going to a large open area and gathering a load of old shit together to make something arty. It was usually a pile of clothes that he’d fashion into a formation that was extremely unachievable for us mere mortals. At its core, what we were being subjected to was exhibitionism. Neil needed an outlet to flourish after spending the previous twenty minutes dumbing down his capabilities for us morons trying to keep up.
The editing would make it seem as though Neil simply had the idea on a whim and just went for it, with no planning or outside help whatsoever. Spurred on by his artistic prowess, us muggles would try to create a similar effect, only to be screamed at for taking the washing off the line and bunching it up in the muck. “Get off my back, Mum, it’s art. If Neil Buchanan can do it, so can I. You wouldn’t buy any PVA glue so now I’ve turned my efforts elsewhere. I’m sick of you shitting all over my creativity. I hate you.”
4. Everything always looks better from higher up (literally and metaphorically)
Following on from point #3, a lot of Neil’s work looked like absolute dog shit when the camera was at ground level. Whoever was directing the show knew exactly where the money shot was and he/she knew how to create a thirst for it. Neil would chip away at these big extravagant masterpieces for what felt like hours, adding things, adjusting parts, scratching his head in bafflement. He was building suspense and creating a thirst, nay a hunger for the end result.
But what was he making, a mess? We’d wait and wait, feeling an anticipation that is yet to be equalled in adult life. Finally, the big reveal from above. It’s a family of duck-billed platypuses foraging for food. Such a common sight in the UK! He’s done it again. Neil has floored us with his art. Not to get too deep, but his creations always looked miles better from high up, and that’s exactly like life. The world doesn’t seem so bad when you’re flying over it. You can’t see anyone being mugged or bullied, it’s peaceful and picturesque. But then you land and find out that your luggage has been lost and your connecting flight is delayed. Banter.
5. It’s entirely fine to wear the same clothes every day
In fairness to the homeboy Neil, he had a cracking sense of style and wasn’t afraid to show it. Every day like clockwork he’d appear on our screens with his blue denim jeans and Art Attack red jumper. Not that a splash of paint ever reached his trendy ensemble, but it was good to know that there was probably 46,000 spares hanging out behind the set just in case. He was a fashionista. To this day, people are still wearing red jumpers. He created a style that has transcended the ages.
Neil made me feel ok about wearing the same shitty uniform to school every day. Literally shitty. It was brown and yellow, so rival schools used to call us the toilet school, which was actually a very sophisticated sick burn that I can now appreciate in my old age of being mid-20s. Art Attack wasn’t just giving us some tips on how to be better at making things, it was setting us up for life. Mark Zuckerberg definitely used to watch the show because now he wears the exact same clothes every day and always cites Neil Buchanan as his number one influence in life.
6. Technology needs to hurry up and help us be more lazy
Know Your Meme
Watching Art Attack often spurred a thought process involving the advancement of technology and how I needed it to develop and make life easier for me. I remember thinking that pause and rewindable television couldn’t come quick enough, not that I even considered it a possibility back then, but I knew that there had to be a better way. Perhaps someone in the future would invent a bionic hand that could be attached to those lacking in any artistic abilities such as myself.
More practically, Neil was often too fast with his explanations. He left little room for error or cheating, meaning that if you made a mess of his latest work of art, you were stranded and had to hope that that particular episode would be repeated before you went to college. Spoiler: It wasn’t. ITV played Art Attack episodes sporadically, as far as I can remember, so you could be waiting two or three years to catch a repeat. ‘Whence will my washing up liquid rocket ship be complete?’ we’d cry.
7. Sometimes your best simply isn’t good enough
Sometimes in life, you learn that your best quite simply isn’t good enough, and we have Art Attack to thank for that. Being artistic seemed to come naturally to Neil, with something as tricky as drawing a non-wonky circle made to look positively menial when he did it. His enthusiasm was contagious and you really wanted to make him proud, but due to a lack of resources and any real artistic capabilities, your efforts would often fall flat on their arse.
Watching Art Attack prepared us all for the harsh realities of adult life. Sometimes you intend to make a paper mache pine cone, but instead pour yourself a cheeky pint glass of vodka. In these instances, it’s important to stick to your strengths and not get bogged down comparing yourself to others. Neil was very good at art. You’re good at other things, such as drinking and stalking your exes on various forms of social media. If we were all good at the same things, life would be very boring. You’re a precious and unique snowflake, never forget that.
Images via ITV
