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24th March 2017
02:32pm GMT

There was just no stopping him. He simply put one foot in front of the other, with each step kicking sand in the face of ISIS, stubbing a broad British toe in the hairy bollock of religious fundamentalism. Neither terrorist nor lolly-gagging tourist was going to stop The Schofe crossing the Thames today. It was, quite simply, a staggering act of walking. Words like "courage", "valour", "gallantry", "fortitude" - these words don't even come close to describing what The Schofe did today. In many ways, it was the perfect tribute, in as much as it required next to no effort, as all the best tributes do. We all remember the tributes we paid to the late great Chuck Berry when we hummed the opening riff of Johnny B. Goode while doing the washing up, or the victims of 9/11 when we looked at the calendar and realised that it was 9/11. Touching? I haven't been touched like this since I went to the physio about my fat ankle. It was nothing major, just a bit of swelling that would go away with time and a bit of light walking. A lot like terrorism, really. So we salute you, Phillip Schofield. As long as The Schofe is out there, walking over bridges and taking pictures and putting them on Instagram, we need never fear the grip of evil.
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