It was probably Karl Marx who might have said something like: “A new Royal baby is the opium of the people.”
And boy was he probably maybe not wrong! All this talk of the dire socio-economic consequences of Brexit, the rise of global fascism, and critical levels of climate change threatening to destroy our planet within a matter of generations, all pales into insignificance with the news that Harry and Meghan have welcomed a baby boy into the world!
But now we know the who (a baby), what (a boy), where (an expensive private hospital), why (the circle of life) and how (sexual intercourse), speculation turns to what the seventh-in-line to the throne will actually be called. Let’s look at some of the rumoured possibilities that the Royal pair may consider for their new bundle of pride and joy.
To celebrate the bairn’s transatlantic heritage, Harry and Meghan could well name him after the most famous American of all – Donald J. Trump. Now I know what you’re thinking – why would you name a member of the Royal family after someone who was born into obscene wealth and garishly opulent surroundings, and lives a life of luxury and entitlement with zero consequences for any of his actions – but it would be a nice way of cementing that ‘special relationship’.
Speaking of strange-coloured tyrants, the Sussex’s may decide to jump on the current Marvel hype train and christen their new sprog after the most powerful super-villain in the MCU – Thanos of Titan. Now I know what you’re thinking – why would you name a member of the Royal family after someone with a history of stealing precious gem stones from other civilisations and destroying entire populations with a mere click of their fingers – but it would be nice tribute to the Russos.
In the rich tradition of celebrities naming their children after the place they were conceived – see the Beckhams with ‘Brooklyn’, and Kim and Kanye with ‘North’ – the Royal couple may decide to do the same, and plump for ‘Dublin’. It’s where they enjoyed their first trip together as a married couple, and well, the maths does add out. The only issue is how specific the place of conception needs to be – their Irish visit included a spot of Gaelic sports, so Prince Croke may be more apt.
Another relevant option would mark the fact that the Royal baby’s grand entrance into the world coincided with the start of the Islamic holy month of Ramadan. It would be the clearest sign yet that the Royal Family are embracing a new multi-ethnic, multi-cultural, multi-faith era of greater openness and inclusion. It would also go down a treat in many parts of the Commonwealth, and it’s hard to see how naming the baby after an Islamic month would upset anyone in any way.
Let’s be honest, no one honestly knows how Prince Phillip will react to his first non-white progeny. He’s (allegedly) shown before that he’s capable of anything. Calling the baby after him may turn out to be the shrewdest move.