1. OK, so first things first, you're not exactly proud of the fact you don't like babies, but you can't really help it.
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2. It's not like you despise them – you don't want to kick a baby or anything – you're not a psychopath.
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At least, we really hope you don't want to kick a baby. Please do not kick any babies.
3. It's just that you and babies don't really get on – you don't know what to do with them.
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All the silly voices and the peek-a-boo stuff? You're just not good at it.
4. If there's ever a situation where you might have to interact with a baby, you immediately feel uncomfortable.
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5. Like, what are you supposed to do with this small, wrinkly human? What if it decides it hates you?
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What do you expect me to do with this thing? It doesn't
do anything.
6. What are you supposed to say to them? They don't even know how to talk back.
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7. And picking a baby up? Yeah, you really don't know how to do that right.
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"Hold it like you would hold a football."
"This is how I would hold a football!"
8. For all these reasons, you've become a master at avoiding the babies at any family gatherings, and you know exactly where to position yourself to make sure you don't get found out.
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9. Because that's the thing isn't it, you can't just say to your cousin, "sorry, I hate your baby", that's really rude, isn't it. It makes you seem kind of evil.
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Definitely best just to stay out of the way...
10.The worst thing about babies, though, is that they cry all the time, and crying babies are really fucking annoying.
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11. The sound just goes right through you, and it makes you want to tear your ears off.
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It's one of those sounds that you can't shut out.
12. And because they can't talk, you don't even know why they're crying, so they just keep going and going until you want to start crying yourself.
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Let's be honest guys, babies are idiots.
13. There is absolutely nothing worse than being stuck on public transport with a screaming baby – that is a fact.
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14. So of course there's always a screaming kid sitting two rows in front of you on every damn flight you get on.
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"I've had it with these motherfucking babies on this motherfucking plane."
15. Apart from crying, there's one other thing babies really love doing – shitting.
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Oh man, they're really good at shitting – and not a toilet in sight either.
16. They're pretty good at dribbling and vomiting too – basically, name a gross bodily fluid, there's a good chance a baby can projectile it everywhere.
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Like a ticking, screaming time bomb.
17. So as much as you try to like babies, you just don't find them as cute as everyone else seems to.
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18. I mean come on, they just aren't as cute as actually cute things like puppies and kittens, are they?
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Even kittens know how to shit in a litter tray, ffs.
19. There are enough people who love babies out there to talk and play with them, so until you have one of your own one day, just leave you out of it, yeah?
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