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21st Aug 2019

In defence of ‘the worst video in the world’

Ciara Knight


Precisely three minutes past the hour of 11am on Saturday, 17th August, 2019, the world changed forever.

A title previously held by the music video for Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday’ was overthrown by a new, even worse offering.

‘The worst video in the world’ arrived, and nobody, not a single soul was ready.

Twitter user Holly Harley exposed us to something so raw, so powerful, that it has taken on the insurmountable task of uniting the entire internet with outrage.

But, hear me out.

The aforementioned cup of tea being made actually isn’t that bad. More than that, it seems kind of fine. Frankly, it’s drinkable.

Allow me to defend the brewer’s thought process. I’m not asking for agreement, I just need you to listen.

At least the spoon going into the sugar bag is dry

Things, on the whole, could be worse. The person making the tea could’ve used a wet spoon to take sugar from the sugar bag. We have to take these minor wins as they come. Two heaped teaspoons of sugar go into the cup before anything else. That’s an unforgivable act, but imagine if the spoon was wet, thereby creating clumps inside the bag, waiting for the next glucose guardian to come along and discover, to their horror, a wet spoon had entered the bag. Things could be worse, is what I am saying. At this point, nothing bad has happened, yet.

At least the water has reached boiling point

Have you ever seen someone take the kettle off the base before the switch has clicked to signify that the boiling process is complete? I witnessed it once and subsequently had to take a few days of annual leave off work. You wait several minutes for a kettle to boil, that is the deal, but to then go and prematurely use the water before the kettle switch has clicked? It’s sociopathic. Sure, the water might be sufficiently boiled, but you must respect the click. This heinous tea maker has done that, and we must give him credit where it is somewhat due.

At least it’s not one of those stupid colour-changing mugs

You know the ones I’m talking about. The epitome of ‘Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should’ innovation. Those dumb mugs that reveal a big juicy italicised font saying ‘TWAT’ as the water heats the exterior, causing it to change colour. At least this perverted tea maker hasn’t subjected us to that, as well as the shit quality cup of tea that’s being produced. Things could truly be worse. The mug has a fun design and it’s a good size. It looks a bit like a rainbow cake, which is delicious.

At least there’s enough space left for milk and subsequent carrying capabilities

If you had to choose between French kissing one of your parents or being handed a cup of tea that is simply too full to carry, would you smooch your Mum or Dad? It’s a fair question and I’d like a prompt answer. Have you ever been given an overfilled cup of tea? It’s a nightmare. You’re stuck to the spot waiting for it to sufficiently cool down enough for you to slurp a hefty amount down your gullet to regain portability. People have been gunned down for lesser crimes. Although this is a sick cup of tea, there’s a smidge of consideration involved.

At least there’s not *too* much milk

One of the biggest talking points in modern discourse surrounds the correct quantity of milk being put into a cup of tea. For many, it is seen as a sign of great strength to add a mere trickle of milk into a brew, with those using a large amount universally being regarded as sad, pathetic and clinically insane. In this video, if we look at the milk addition from an impartial perspective, it’s fine. It’s a good amount, treading the middle ground between too much and too little. Forget the fact that it’s gone in before the teabag. See it for what it is – an acceptable amount of milk.

At least the teabag gets a decent dunking

Continuing to clutch at straws here, but we must respect the logic that’s at play. Deconstructing this process is proving that things aren’t so bad after all. The teabag, in conjunction with the incorrectly-ordered sugary milk/water hybrid, all credit due, gets a decent dunking. The initial bare hand placement of the bag in the cup is an international outrage, but the situation is somewhat rectified when a spoon arrives to do the heavy lifting. The teabag gets a substantial mashing around the cup. It could be more, but it also could be less. It’s not bad.

At least the stomach-churning slurp aerates the tea, somewhat

The process of aerating wine allows you to taste the “full character” of the grape juice, triggering oxidation and evaporation. When you taste wine, it’s best to internally slurp it a little bit, allowing the full aromas to hit your flavour palate. This too can be achieved with tea, which appears to be what the brewer is doing. After clattering the teaspoon on the counter top, he takes an exaggerated slurp of the tea in some kind of sadistic ASMR ritual. This will, in theory, rectify some of the mistakes gone by, allowing him to taste the tea in a more layered way compared to a regular sup. It is good. It is better. It’s still a disgrace, but slurped tea be hittin’ different.

At least we don’t fucking have to drink the monstrosity

The main overarching argument about this tea monstrosity is very simple: Let people do whatever they want so long as they’re not hurting anyone in the process. If someone likes to sip their watery tea from a wellington boot, fucking let them. If someone wants to drink tea, then piss it out, then drink that piss, we will tune in to see it on the next series of Bear Grylls and then tweet about it. The guy who made this cup of tea was well within his rights to do so. Legally, he can’t be touched. There are some sick perverts out there, but it is out of our control. If people want to find joy in unsavoury ways, destroying the sanctity of tea making forevermore, simply, we must let them. Don’t get mad about a tea brewer’s personal preference. The planet is dying.