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06th Aug 2019

Exclusive interview with 30-50 feral hogs

Ciara Knight

It’s time to hear the other side of the story

In case you haven’t been able to make sense of the latest viral talking point on Twitter, allow me to clear things up.

That’s it. That’s the joke.

A man legitimately named Willie McNabb had an enquiry regarding precisely 30-50 feral hogs that frequent his yard within 3-5 minutes while his small children play.

With that, a viral masterpiece was born. Memes upon memes have flooded our timelines, varying in quality but always with the same message: Feral hogs (30-50 of them) running into a yard (within 3-5 minutes) while (small) children play.

Not one to sleep on topical content, I have tracked down 30-50 feral hogs and in doing so, done a journalism.

Thank you, Willie McNabb, for giving us this bountiful gift. Thank you, 30-50 feral hogs, for agreeing to do the interview.

Me: 30-50 feral hogs, thank you for taking the time to speak with me today.

30-50 Feral Hogs: (in unison) The pleasure is all ours, Ciara.

Me: I can imagine your phones have been blowing up over the last couple of days. How are you dealing with this newfound fame?

Hog #7: I’ll field this one, folks. Honestly, as feral hogs, we’re used to getting a lot of media attention. It’s mostly negative as we have a tendency to destroy everything in our path, but as they say, all publicity is good publicity.

Hog #29: If I can chip in here. The allegation that we notoriously destroy everything is fair, but slightly exaggerated. We don’t aim to be destructive, it just happens. The ‘bull in a china shop’ theory applies to us as well. We’ve got a large surface area to cart around and it can be tricky to navigate certain spaces in an unobtrusive manner, china shops or otherwise.

Me: I can appreciate that. It must be tough. Do you always travel in packs of 30-50?

Hog #50: Yes. As the most senior member of the group, I have to admit that I really love the company. Things can get lonely out in the wilderness, so it’s nice to have a few buddies close by for when you fancy a chat or even a quick game of rounders.

Me: Would you ever stretch your pack to 30-51?

Hog #50: Absolutely not. That’s chaos, it would be pandemonium. How would we keep track of everyone? The maximum amount of participants in a WhatsApp group is 256, but things really get out of hand when you go over the 50 mark. Too many cooks might spoil the broth, but too many hogs spoil the group chat just as badly.

Me: Fair point. Can I ask about the ‘3-5 minutes’ thing as well?

Hog #33: Yeah, I’m happy to clarify this one. Basically, the five second rule is a notorious health and safety measure that’s employed across the land. Everyone is aware of it, but few take it seriously. It’s been scientifically proven that germs and bacteria will wait five seconds before they cling to a food item and we need to respect that. In a similar way, actually George can probably explain this one better…

Hog #34: Thanks Simon. Yeah, so in the same way as the five second rule works, that’s how long us hogs have to wait to approach small children playing in their yards. It’s an agreement between us and the council that goes back decades, basically meaning that everyone can coexist peacefully. It was established as a happy medium between both parties.

Me: That’s so interesting, I never knew about it. So how strict are you with the timings?

Hog #40: Very. We’ve got an official timekeeper, that’s me, and I have a stopwatch with me at all times, if you’ll pardon the pun. So I’ll set the scene. All 30-50 of us are roaming around, minding our own business. One of us, usually Toby or Nancy, notices a yard inhabited by children. Perhaps one of them is snacking on a biscuit or some oven-baked kale depending on the parents’ commitment to a plant-based diet. I’ll be notified and then get the stopwatch running while we all assemble patiently on the outskirts of the yard.

Me: Amazing. How do you pass the time? 3-5 minutes must feel like an eternity when you’re eager to get moving?

Hog #2: It can be testing, but you get used to it. Personally, I like to do a Sudoku or have a quick game of Nintendogs on my DS Lite. Some of the gang chat amongst themselves or get a few dynamic stretches going, but we’re all individuals at the end of the day.

Hog #40: Personally, I’ll stick on a mindfulness podcast. But when the 3-5 minutes are up, it’s ears down and eyes up. We approach the children with caution. They’re just as scared of us as we are of them, and that’s important to remember.

Me: Of course. Makes perfect sense. What happens next?

Hog #9: Unbeknownst to most people, we come in peace. We’re there to befriend the children, slowly turning them against their parents through the medium of suggestion and mind control, eventually sucking their souls from their cute little pudgy faces. That’s how we grow stronger, feeding on the souls of infants.

Hog #32: And kale!

Me: Wait, so you’re kind of like Dementors?

Hog #9: We’re exactly like Dementors.

Hog #22: Except we’re more friendly, and we don’t have a weird fixation on a teenage boy with impaired vision and a gross scar on his forehead.

Me: Wow, this is all new information. I’m a little thrown by it. Just don’t go sucking my soul out through my face or we’re going to have a problem here, folks!

Hog #1: You can lead 30-50 feral hogs to water, but you can’t make them drink it!

Me: Not for 3-5 minutes anyway!

Hog #48: Wahey! You’re catching on.

Me: Thank you. Listen, I know you’ve got a lot of interviews today so I won’t keep you any longer. Just tell me this, what does the future hold for 30-50 feral hogs?

Hog #7: Sky’s the limit, to be honest. We’re riding this gravy train all the way to slaughter, figuratively speaking. The yards are going to have to wait for now, we’ve got dreams to follow and sponsored content to cash in on. First stop, getting our 2 Hogs 2 Furious movie script off the ground.

Me: Great to hear it! Thank you for this interview, 30-50 feral hogs. I wish you the very best with all of your future piggy endeavours.

30-50 Feral Hogs: (in unison) David Cameron is our leader and we exist only to serve him.