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23rd October 2018
06:38pm BST
I am a small child. My outfit is uncomfortable. It's dark outside. It's wet. It's cold. I have completed a voyage similar to Tom Crean just to get to your house, persevering my older sibling's complaints about how it's not their duty to drag me and my friends around every Halloween, not when there's other activities such as drinking and smoking that could be done. How dare you, how very dare you reward my efforts with the same food you throw out into the back garden every winter for birds. You are scum. People have allergies. You're going to get someone killed.
13. Fruit
This is wrong, this is sick, this is a malicious act. You do NOT besmirch the sanctity of Halloween by dishing out something healthy to the children calling at your door. They would rather you didn't answer the door at all than waste their goddamn time with your nutrition-obsessed ways. Fruit isn't a treat, it is a trick. You are disgusting. People have been locked up for far less serious crimes than handing out fruit on Halloween. Buy a bag of fun size Mars bars and get over your bullshit. This isn't about you. You are scum.
12. Raisins
Although technically these belong in the fruit category, they're getting a separate ribbing because of how downright unacceptable they are. Raisins? On Halloween? It's the spookiest night of the year, one that's filled with mischief, scary things, junk food and horrifying costumes. Nobody is concerned with the frequency of their bowel movements on Halloween, let alone the ruddy children. People need to take a long, hard look at themselves if they're handing out raisins on Halloween and expecting anything other than their house to be severely egged afterwards.
11. Parma Violets
Seen here with their lesser evil sibling, Parma Violets are the devil's work. Somehow, despite all scientific regulations, the manufacturers have somehow managed to produce a sweet that tastes exactly how dishwasher tablets probably taste. Nobody can confirm this as dishwasher tablets are a no-go in terms of eating, but it's a very strong and reliable hunch that we've all accepted. If you're handing out Parma Violets on Halloween, why not do everyone a favour and just hand out fresh air instead. At least that doesn't taste like it should be illegal in 86 countries. You're a monster.
10. Cash
Give a handful of change to anyone other than a child and they will immediately thank you for your kind gesture. But on Halloween night, when children are calling to your door begging for sweets that will rot every single tooth in the godforsaken heads, you're going to rummage around your coin purse and give them a grand total of 15p? You lazy sod. Use that money in exchange for goods and services. That's what everyone else has done. You're scum. Kids can't buy things, their arms are too short to reach the counter top. Buy some sweets, cheapskate.
9. Candy Apples
Spent an awful lot of time making those, didn't you? Tricky enough to find the little wooden sticks, wasn't it? Oh wait, you bought these in the shop? So you were in the same premises as legitimate treats and you emerged with the healthiest non-healthy thing on offer? Terrific. Now you're going to hand them out loose to children, where they'll get stuck to the insides of their bags and then melt along the way, creating a sticky mess and ruining all genuine treats in the trick-or-treat bag. Get out of my sight. You're an animal. You're a pig.
8. Loose Sweets
Just a bit shit, isn't it? Whether soft or hard, these sweets aren't going to be first choice under any circumstances. They'll accumulate at the bottom of the bag throughout the night, along with the coins and monkey nuts, but nobody's going to tuck into them during the mid-trick-or-treating snack break. Not a chance. You've bought a large multipack of these and it's honourable what you've done, adding some variety to proceedings, but these sweets are sold in large quantities for a reason. They're simply not good enough and barely a treat. Sorry.
7. Homemade Goods
Absolute A* for effort, you've really put your talents to great use here. However, I hate to be the one to say it, but your effort isn't going to be appreciated. Not like this, not on Halloween night when there's neighbours handing out full size Cadbury chocolate bars, some of them even gave out little cans of Coke to their favourites. Your beautiful handcrafted produce are going to waste. Save them, bring them into work. Sue from accounts loves a sweet treat, she'll probably even put them on her Instagram stories. The children can do without. Give them nuts, lol.
6. Edible jewellery
While these are a guaranteed fun time for all involved, the payoff simply isn't there. They don't taste the best. They're banter. It's fun trying to nuzzle away at them until you're left with a soggy bit of string, but is that what Halloween is all about? Having to work for your treats? No. It's about stuffing your face with as much junk food as possible, bringing yourself right to the brink of vomiting, but managing to rein it in at the last second. Kids have no respect for jewellery. You can do better. We all can.
5. Chocolate coins
Credit where it's due, you've given the most acceptable form of money on Halloween night. Regular coins are useless, they have no monetary value on the spookiest night of the year. However, chocolate coins are valuable. Unfortunately, there's quite a bit of grafting involved before anyone can get at that sweet, sweet nectar. Those pieces of foil can be tricky to peel off, involving surgeon-like precision for a very small payoff. Chocolate coins are fine, but we all know there's far better ways to serve chocolate.
4. Lollipops
Obviously the huge variety of lollipops need to be considered here, but by and large, they're a perfectly fine addition to any Halloween trick-or-treat bag. Chupa Chups obviously are on the God tier, followed by Drumsticks, those big chalky two-tone sour boys, anything with a whistle and finally those ones you sometimes get free when you donate money to charity, they're all good. In the days after Halloween, kids are glad to move from the better treats onto lollipops for a different experience. From a very early age, lollipops teach us that variety is truly the spice of life.
3. Crisps
Yes! Get in! Any house that's handing out crisps on Halloween night is a house that deserves to be protected from any harm. We're talking Walkers, Skips, Wotsits, Hula Hoops, Pom-Bears, Monster Munch, Quavers, McCoys's, even popcorn will do. Sure, they take up valuable trick-or-treating bag space, but that's a sacrifice worth making. Crisps are a delicious interval snack between other Halloween treats, allowing for maximum gorging to occur. Halloween is when you finally get to try crisps you've never even seen before. Ones shaped like teddy bears, ones with a warning on the outside telling you to take care because they're very spicy. Fucking yes. Crisps!
2. Jellies
Jelly Babies, Wine Gums, Haribo, cherries, sour strawberries, gummy worms, bears, hook them all to my goddamn veins. You can dish out jellies in their individual packets, or if you are some kind of other-worldly being whose sole purpose is to delight trick-or-treaters, you might make up your own little bags with a mixture of different varieties of sweets, maybe even toss in a chocolate coin or two. If you do that on Halloween, know that we both see and we appreciate you. You're making this godforsaken world a little bit better with each sweetie bag you put together. On behalf of the nation, thank you so much for your service.
1. Fun size chocolate
Obviously the standard go-to Halloween for most households deserves first place. There's a reason that fun size chocolate bars have remained a constant throughout time, it's because they are delicious. Tiny Mars, tiny Snickers, tiny Twix, tiny pouches of M&Ms, kids will even take the off-brand stuff you paid 69p for in Aldi. Give out as many as your grubby little fist can transport from the sweet bowl to the trick-or-treat bags. Give four at a minimum, possibly five. Heck, give out full sized chocolate bars if you can afford it. There's no such thing as too much chocolate. Slip a £50 note in the shaft of the Twix if you don't mind. Thank you. Your house shall remain egg-free for the foreseeable. Happy Halloween!
