Britain's unhealthiest takeaway meal is this 7,000 calorie box of nonsense
Carbs in a box, come and get your carbs in a box
Let me tell you about a takeaway. Specifically, a takeaway in Scotland.
It is called 'East West Spice', which, makes little to no geographical sense. But neither does its signature dish: a gigantic box of exclusively beige stodge.
Brace yourselves, the meal(s), contains the following:
- No spice. Literally none from either the east or the west
- No, like loads of chips. The entire surface area of the box is covered in chips
- Some more chips
- Two 'pizza crunches'
- I don't know what those are
- Deep-fried pizza? Scottish people need to be stopped
- At all costs
- Some fish
- More fish
- A bit more fish
- Two battered sausages
- Two hamburgers
- Battered as well, by the looks of it. What is wrong with these people?
- Chicken nuggets
- Onion rings
- A 2l bottle of Irn Bru
- A large cardboard vessel for all of the above
Here it is, as discovered by Ross McCafferty:
A chippy in my hometown is selling this 'crunch box' for a TENNER and if you don't think it looks like the most appetizing thing ever then there's no hope for you. pic.twitter.com/BzKhYbEFWF
— Ross McCafferty (@RossMcCaff) August 19, 2018
Ross didn't order the hellbox, by the way, nor does he recommend it as part of a healthy diet. He MAY, repeat, MAY just have been exaggerating for comic effect when he called it the most appetising he has ever seen, but then again, I wouldn't know anything at all about that.
Cheers to everyone getting in touch to tell me that a box full of deep fried and battered food is unhealthy.
I was about to recommend it for athletes
— Ross McCafferty (@RossMcCaff) August 20, 2018
If you want to take on the 'Crunchy Box', you'll have to venture to Greenock, just west of Glasgow. But, and there is a but, it is only a tenner and will probably feed you for, I don't know, several weeks. Would that be ideal? Living off a load of brown carbs? No. No it wouldn't. Please don't do that. You're not a 12-year-old boy anymore. You will get bowel problems. Seriously.
Bahadur Singh, manager of East West Spice, told the Mirror: "I just thought it would be nice to combine the ideas and bring something which would appeal to everyone.
"We put the deal on and people seem to love it. Everything is cooked in fat but the dish is big enough for three or four people to share.
"It's definitely for the family to eat. People think it's a great deal."
People voted for the Nazis and like Coldplay though, Bahadur. You can't trust people. Especially people that can't eat anything unless it has been fried in the fat of some other thing.
Still, it does come with a complimentary bottle of Irn-Bru...