Shania Twain is, respectfully, a picky bitch.
In terms of proof, she literally has a song named ‘That Don’t Impress Me Much’.
Contrary to this allegation, I have since debunked her illusion of being hard to impress by merely consulting her Twitter account.
Well look who's changed her tune pic.twitter.com/Kc6QZZeaRp
— Ciara Knight (@Ciara_Knight) April 19, 2017
Shania Twain has liked almost 3.5k tweets at this moment in time. She is very clearly a lady who is impressed by some things.
So, let’s delve into her popular song’s lyrics and use the process of deduction to figure out what she’s actually impressed by. We could technically just consult her liked tweets, but they’re mostly just about herself.
Rocket Scientists
Shania Twain gives zero fucks about rocket scientists, obviously. An intelligent person that’s specialising in rocketry is absolutely not for her. So, what’s the opposite of a rocket? For me, it’s something that does not launch into space, so I’d be hedging towards something like a submarine. It mostly stays underwater, only coming as high as sea level every now and then when its passengers get hungry and fancy a Domino’s.
In terms of a scientist, the opposite would logically be a person that doesn’t research science, so basically someone uneducated with little regard for the natural and physical world. Folks, that is the literal definition of a baby. Shania Twain is not impressed by rocket science, so using advanced methods of deduction, it would appear that Shania Twain is impressed by a submarine baby.
But what is a submarine baby, you ask? Well, when a mummy submarine and a daddy submarine love each other very much, they decide to engage in a special hug. 9 months and 1 Beatles song later, a baby submarine is born and welcomed into the world by its biggest fan, Ms. Shania Twain.
Brad Pitt
Not even a millionaire Academy Award winning actor could excite Shania Twain, the picky wench. But not to worry, using the same genius method as above, we’ll simply work out who would be a better match. Let’s hyper-analyse this vague piece of information to the point of needing some sort of specialised relaxation therapy afterwards.
An anagram of Brad is ‘drab’, so if you Google ‘Drab celebrity’, the following shows up:
I have no idea who most of these people are, but the first one is definitely Jaden Smith, so let’s go with him.
The opposite of Pitt (as in armpit) is the knee pit, obviously. The scientific term for that, as we all know, is the popliteal fossa. Again, if you Google ‘Popliteal fossa celebrity’ and scroll down twenty-five rows of images, the first celebrity that pops up is Jennifer Aniston – AKA BRAD PITT’S EX!!!!! At this point, the hairs are standing up on the back of my neck because this is spooky.
By the rules of science and Google, using the exact opposite of Brad Pitt is some sort of hybrid between Jaden Smith and Jennifer Aniston, meaning that the following image is exactly what would impress Shania Twain:
Scary? Mayhaps, but in an ideal world, this is what would cause Shania Twain to swoon. Each to their own, etc.
Car Owner
Shania Twain has made it abundantly clear that she is not impressed by car owners. At a push, it’s not unreasonable to assume that she widely regards them as scum. How dare they motor their way around with such gay abandon and a minimal desire to impress her. Car owners are the bane of Shania Twain’s fucking life.
But what’s the opposite of a car owner? Folks, it is very clearly a cat owner. Cats don’t have wheels, cats don’t consume petrol or diesel and cats certainly don’t require tax or a certificate of roadworthiness.
Now we’re in a position where we need to figure out the most famous cat owner in the world. Katy Perry? Taylor Swift? No. It’s Kerry. Kerry Kat-ona.
Hear that? It’s the sound of Shania Twain scrambling to get in touch with her PR people because she senses that the jig is up. She is being exposed right here, right now.
Tying The Data Together
Based on the above data, we know that Shania Twain is impressed by baby submarines, a Jaden Smith / Jennifer Aniston hybrid and also Kerry Katona.
But who or what combines all of those things, to create one solid thing that Shania Twain is undeniably impressed by? Well, there are 11 letters in Shania Twain. So I Google image searched ‘shania twain baby submarine jaden smith jennifer aniston kerry katona‘ and scrolled down eleven lines. The song ‘That Don’t Impress Me Much’ was released in 1997, that’s 20 years ago, so I counted 20 images starting from the eleventh line. What did I land on? *GASPS*
I landed on a picture of Michael O’Leary, the CEO of Ryanair.
Shania Twain is, by a tiresome method of mathematics and bullshit, impressed by Michael O’ Leary.
My head hurts and I’m sorry for wasting your time.
