Never have I ever robbed Richard Madeley’s house. Or taken a shit in a bathtub.
Somehow, when the stars align and the mood is just right, the universe churns out a news story so perfect and so wonderful that you can only sit back and soak it in. Soak in its every minutiae. Liam Gallagher. Richard Madeley. A mystery dump in a neighbour’s bathtub. *kisses fingers like an Italian chef* Bellissimo.
Is there a more perfect combination of offender, victim, setting and weapon of choice? Surely there isn’t. Surely it’s not possible.
Picture the scene: a tanked up Liam Gallagher flying about Richard and Judy’s lovely quaint home with his jeans down and his bucket hat over his genitals, taking a shit in the bathtub, singing a re-modified “I am the turd-man, they are the turd-men, I am the walrus, poo poo poo-poop” and demanding Noel piss in the sink and wear the shower curtain like a dress otherwise he’s not going on tour with him.
Can you not just picture it? Is it not beautiful? Is it not art?
Let’s say it again as though it was your final guess in Cluedo.
Was it Mr. Gallagher in the bathroom with a giant, awful turd? It must have been. Surely it must have been.
Well, apparently it wasn’t. The perfect crime is out there, I’m sure, but unfortunately this isn’t it. The former Oasis man has stated on twitter that he has been wrongly accused of the incident. He will not have his good name tainted by the poogate scandal AND THAT’S FINAL.
For the record i never robbed RIchard n Judys and I didn't do a shit in Gladys bath Berlin is on as you were LG x
— Liam Gallagher (@liamgallagher) March 5, 2018
07:38am he tweeted this. He was probably eating breakfast. He was probably enjoying a croissant and an orange juice whilst pondering how best exactly to tackle this pesky Richard Madeley bathtub debacle. Personally, I think he nailed it.
Now, Liam is hardly the most eloquent of twitter users at the best of times, but the standard of writing here is even sloppier than normal, perhaps through guilt, or as though his heart is not really in it anymore, as though even the giddy childish thrill of maybe or maybe doing a poo in someone else’s home, in their bathtub no less, just doesn’t excite him like it used to.
Madeley made the claims on Good Morning Britain, citing the fact that the Gallagher brothers used to live quite close to him and his wife Judy in Manchester. He stated that he remembered speaking to them about it many years ago, when Liam admitted to the offence in a way only he could, saying “Yeah I think we did that one yeah, I think we did that one, went in through the window yeah”. Thankfully, he is said to have been talking about the accusations of petty theft rather than projectile faeces through a window in this instance.
Gladys, who Liam mentions in his tweet, is said to have been another neighbour at the time, and the bathtub owner/victim of the mysterious poo.
Similarly to the Zodiac killer, the culprit remains at large and the search continues long after the events themselves have transpired. The police now have very little evidence to go on, with previous theory “It might have been Liam Gallagher who did the bathtub poo” now thoroughly ruled out.
Berlin is on try not to shit in bathtubs if you can help it please or Judy will be cross and big Rich Madeley will be after you as you were KP x
Richard Madeley has gone full Alan Partridge all week on Good Morning Britain. @richardm56 @GMB pic.twitter.com/cmgSiXJPcu
— JOE (@JOE_co_uk) August 30, 2017
