"Middle aged women are staggeringly horny"
There's a new movie out, not sure if you've heard. It's called Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again and it's the sequel to Mamma Mia.
Truly, the world has gone Mamma Mia mad and if you can't beat them, you should do your very best to join them in a respectful and slightly sarky way.
This morning, I saw Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again. Because I am a future Pulitzer-winning journalist, I decided to turn it into #content.
Here's every disrespectful thought I encountered during the movie.
1. Indeed, as promised, here we go again.
2. Everyone should have a framed photograph of Meryl Streep in their house, as enforced by law.
3. The first person to ever start singing must've been branded as a complete lunatic until other people started joining in.
4. Life would be a lot more interesting if we all just burst into song at unexpected intervals. Funerals would be a lot less glum.
5. Dominic Cooper looks like Conor Maynard in 15 years.
6. Having three Dads would be insufferable when your car breaks down because they'd all want to help but ultimately not have a clue what they're doing because they're all turbo middle class.
7. You have to admire Pierce Brosnan's commitment to the role. Ten years have passed since the first movie and he's abstained from learning how to sing for the sequel.
8. Omid Djalili is a comforting person to see in a movie, like when you're in a shopping centre and your Mum is there too but you're shopping independently. You just feel safer knowing that she's in the vicinity.
9. Did they cast young Pierce Brosnan's role based on his inability to sing?
10. 'Mamma Mia' sounds like a Geordie saying 'Mam, I'm here'.
11. "Storms are scary". The script could've benefitted from another proof read.
12. Would this franchise work with another band's music? For example, Liberty X?
13. 'Gnoming Me, Gnoming You' would be a good name for a TV quiz show where gnome spouses are tested on their knowledge of each other, kind of like Mr & Mrs.
14. Horses that carry people around must be so annoyed when they see other horses that don't have jobs just out and about living their lives, roaming free.
15. Fat Stellan Skårsgard would still get it.
16. FFS she just put a wet spoon in the sugar bowl!
17. This movie is just a gateway to flash mobs coming back.
18. Middle aged women are staggeringly horny.
19. "I just want to be upfront and say I visually enjoy you" is the quote of the movie and the only pickup line that is acceptable from this moment on.
20. Pierce Brosnan also cannot dance.
21. Sky is a good name for a stoner (because they get high lol).
22. "I'm pregnant... In exactly the same place that she was". Yes, it is your belly. Everyone gets pregnant there.
23. CHER! CHER IS HERE! IT'S CHER!
24. Cher would be an incredible Grandmother. Guaranteed $20 in every Christmas and birthday card, she'd just ignore the different currency you're operating under. She might throw in a voucher and a signed CD if it's a big birthday.
25. HOW DID MERYL STREEP DIE IN THE TIME BETWEEN THIS MOVIE AND THE LAST, WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?
26. Literally any Swedish person in their 60s could tell me they were in ABBA and I would believe them.
27. Fernando is Cher's song now. It belongs to her.
28. Every movie should end with a sexually charged duet under an obscene amount of fireworks. Dunkirk really could've benefitted from it.
29. Where do we go when we die? Will Meryl Streep go somewhere separate?
30. If this newborn baby starts joining in for the chorus, I am leaving this cinema.
31. MERYL STREEP IS BACK FROM THE DEAD! WHO'S CUTTING ONIONS IN HERE THIS IS THE WRONG ENVIRONMENT FOR FOOD PREP.
32. This tweet is a masterpiece and far better than any thought I have had during the last 114 minutes:
https://twitter.com/miel/status/1019053043478740992
