Strange-hair Things.
Series two of Stranger Things has been suitably satisfying. The storyline, character development and acting has surpassed all expectation.
But there’s something more important that deserves mentioning. It’s their hair.
We’ve been introduced to some new characters but also been treated to a ‘glow up’ of the older crew, with new and improved barnets lighting up the screen this series.
I’ve ranked each hairstyle from worst to best because it’s important to me. All decisions are final.
20. Billy
Truly the most upsetting moment of Stranger Things 2 was when we were introduced to Billy. Not because he was a bully, not because he was an overall terrible person, but because he was sporting a literal mullet. It’s deeply unsettling and something that needs to be rectified before the next series goes into production. He’s an attractive guy, but his acting prowess is hidden because it’s being sheathed beneath an atrocious looking barnet.
19. Ted Wheeler
There’s no pleasant way to say this, but Mike’s Dad looks like a modern day paedophile with that haircut. The glasses don’t help either, but it’s the hair that we’re focusing on here today. Ted’s playful hint of a cowslick that’s been fashioned into a tuft of fringe isn’t fooling anyone. This is a man with a terrible, nay, unforgivable haircut. Forget the Demogorgon, this man needs to be slain immediately.
18. Eleven’s Mom
Yes I understand that she is incapacitated but this is a fictional television series and I have to examine and subsequently rank the hairstyles and hairstyles alone. Eleven’s Mom’s hair isn’t doing her nor the 1980s any favours. It’s bedraggled, unkempt and distracting from the fact that she is a terrific actress. I suggest letting it down next series, perhaps trying a gentle curl and a shoulder-length crop.
17. Will
As a big fan of Stranger Things, there was only two things I wanted for Will during this series: 1) That he would regain his full health and 2) That he would stop allowing his mother to cut his hair using a literal cereal bowl as a template. He’s a troubled child who’s haunted by the horrific events of the past, but what chance does he have at a normal life if he looks like a prepubescent Lego man?
16. Mike
It’s slightly less bowl-like than his best friend Will’s hair, but Mike still looks like a mother of four with this chronic haircut. The lack of structure does his terrific cheekbones no justice whatsoever and it’s terribly distracting. I don’t care that it’s 1980s, I want justice for these kids. Nobody would’ve been content to look that tragic as a preteen. I demand justice for Mike Wheeler.
15. Murray Bauman
Granted there’s not a lot to work with there, but Murray needs to be included in this list somewhere and I’ve been generous enough with the placement. With credit to him, what Murray lacks in hair he more than makes up for in the beard department, so if I decide to rank the Stranger Things beards, everyone’s favourite conspiracy theorist will most certainly be landing at the top of that list.
14. Kali
Regardless of the fact that it’s the 80s, I’m forced to say that Kali is using too much volume. It’s raggedy looking. Also the half buzzcut trend seems like a very modern phenomenon so I’m deducting points on the grounds of it being an inaccurate depiction of 1980s haircuts. There was also a tinge of purple in certain lights that was just a bit too punk for my liking. We get it, you’re a thug.
13. Jim Hopper
I understand that he spends most of the day with a hat on, but would it kill Hopper to put a little product in his hair? Nothing too fancy, just a light mousse or a pea sized amount of gel. He’s the Chief of Police FFS, but nobody’s going to respect him with such a piss poor attempt at slicked back hair. The only crime he should be tackling is that unkempt bit of fluff on top of his head.
12. Mrs Henderson
Dustin’s Mom has typical 1980s Mom hair, but that still doesn’t make it okay. Her son has got the curliest hair the world has ever seen, but she doesn’t seem to be able to manage her own. She for sure uses rollers every night while she sleeps and the results are diabolical. Perhaps now that she has some free time given that her cat is dead, she could invest in a decent set of heated rollers and learn how to use them.
11. Jonathan
Admittedly the lesser tragic hairstyle of the Byers brothers, Jonathan is still coming under fire for a distinct lack of bravery. His hairstyle is very safe and boring. It’s also a bit too long for my liking, leaving it in that awkward in-between stage where it looks like he’s trying to grow it out, so this is just an unfortunate stage where it’s still a work in progress. Nancy deserves better than this.
10. Dr. Sam Owens
In the ultimate insult to Jonathan Byers, I’ve placed this monstrosity one space ahead of him because he needs to feel bad about himself for a while. Dr. Sam has other things on his mind, he’s trying to contain a bunch of creatures from the Upside Down without attracting the attention of the government, he doesn’t have time to be washing and blowdrying his mane. Get off his back, okay.
9. Bob
It’s probably the most 2017 hairstyle of the bunch, so Bob gets a higher placing than most because of its timelessness. Also, he was a real champ and didn’t deserve the bitter ending he got. Bob’s hair was normal with no frills, much like himself. It did the job whilst he did his. It’s a pity he didn’t stick around for longer because the rest of the Hawkins folk could’ve learned a lot from him about the importance of a tidy haircut every now and then.
8. Eleven
Mostly due to a distaste for change, Eleven’s new do hasn’t particularly set my world alight. At the start of the series, her hair was still tight but growing out, then it went curly, then she went full Slick Rick on us. There’s too much happening and episode seven is naturally to blame for most of it. Eleven’s hair doesn’t matter, the character is incredible. Leave it be. Shave it off. I don’t care. RIP journalism.
7. Lucas
Luckily, Lucas is a victim of circumstance here because his hair is perfectly fine and a good dependable choice in comparison with the ridiculous hairstyles of his fellow Hawkins residents. He’s sandwiched in between a mullet, Lego man, chameleon and perm. He’s easily the coolest cast member of Stranger Things and his hair certainly reflects that. Please share your wisdom with your dorky pals, Lucas.
6. Nancy
Nancy glowed up from series one as she’s now got shorter hair and more defined curls. On the whole, it’s a pretty boring hairstyle, but it’s nice. She’s had a pretty tough decision to make this series between Steve and Jonathan, but *spoiler alert* it seems as though hairstyles played no part in that decision which is a huge oversight that she’s likely to regret in the coming months.
5. Max
She’s a new addition to the Stranger Things cast, but also a high placement on the hair ranking list. Max’s hair is probably one of the most natural looking turnouts on the show and suits her perfectly. Her brother’s mullet luckily hasn’t rubbed off on her as she’s proudly representing those Irish roots that I’m assuming are buried somewhere within her.
4. Dustin
He was rocking his typical curly barnet throughout the series with his trademark hat, but everything changed in the last episode. He’d collected some style tips from Steve earlier on in the series and put it expertly into practice as evidenced above. Dustin took his hairstyle from a cute mess to a striking perm mullet and that’s a revolutionary move especially in the 80s. Take a bow, Dustin Henderson.
3. Joyce Byers
She was a hot mess last series, but reuniting with her son has done wonders for Joyce Byers’ hair’s upkeep. It looks like she’s been regularly washing it, using a gentle conditioner and loosely defining those curls. Although she cuts her son’s hair with a cereal bowl, Joyce makes all the right choices with her own hairstyle and that’s something that deserves acknowledgement.
2. Karen
There’s one word that springs to mind when you mention Mike’s Mom’s hair and it’s ‘iconic’. Look at it. Look. At. It. The volume is otherworldly, her double cowslick has been masked perfectly with a middle parting and an outward flick. Regardless of the fact that she played a tiny role in this series of Stranger Things, Karen owned the screen with her impressive do. Bless up, girl. The second place crown is yours.
1. Steve
Obviously, OBVIOUSLY the top spot has to go to Steve Harrington. Teens and fully grown adults worldwide are going into their hairdressers and demanding ‘The Steve’ since the second series of Stranger Things dropped. He’s not even selfish about his hairstyle, with Steve happily giving away his secrets to Dustin in a bid to help him woo the ladies. Stranger Things would be nothing without the precious locks of Steve Harrington. If a spin-off series ever arrives, the world will be suitably livid if it’s anything other than Steve taking us through his haircare routine in minute detail.
All images via Netflix
