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26th Oct 2018

9 important things we learned from last night’s Celebrity First Dates

Celebrities are so vain, they probably think this article is about them

Ciara Knight

Celebrities – they’re just like you and I!

Last night, a special edition of Celebrity First Dates aired in aid of Stand Up To Cancer.

Joey Essex, Melinda Messenger, Sandra from Gogglebox and Lady Colin Campbell took to the First Dates restaurant in a bid to find love.

Along the way, we learned many things about the life of a celebrity, which will come in use when each and very one of us inevitably experiences our mandatory five minutes of fame, probably for a viral tweet.

Here’s 9 important things we learned from last night’s Celebrity First Dates.

1. Rather than showing pictures of their children or pets, celebrities show photos of their estate

Lady Colin Campbell was exchanging pleasantries with Merlin the barman when she revealed that she has a castle sitting on an estate of 2,000 acres. She described it as “beautiful, unique, and full of history”, which admittedly is a good description for both a building and a rare history book. She then showed an image of the castle during the interview part of the show. We can learn two things from this information. Firstly, celebrities are filthy stinking rich and secondly, they fawn over material possessions in the same way that we do our pets and loved ones.


2. Standard fashion laws don’t apply to celebrities

Joey Essex, seen wearing a bucket hat that he presumably wears when he’s painting the ceiling of his house a variety of colours, teamed with a thick gold chain and some kind of jersey-esque fabric two-tone t-shirt. Is that something us muggles would wear on a regular day? Just heading into town to grab a few bits, maybe join The Stone Roses for a quick jam along the way? No, because the baffled looks from fellow muggles would be too much to deal with. Celebrities dress weirdly for attention so that when people stare at their bizarre outfits, they can claim it as being recognised for fame reasons. The jig is up.


3. Being proudly vain is a mandatory part of being famous, apparently

Listen, you don’t get to 1.6m Instagram followers without being the vainest person alive. Joey Essex is no exception to this rule. His appearance is everything. As of this very moment, Joey Essex has an Instagram story up which is just him watching back this very appearance on Celebrity First Dates, giving commentary such as remarking about how cringe it is when people pretend not to recognise him. Of course, we all recognise Joey Essex, for he is universally famous after his appearance on some sort of reality television show. Sorry, don’t let me distract you as you fix your hair using a shiny cocktail shaker for a mirror. Proceed.


4. Celebrities, specifically posh ones, refuse to stoop to such peasantry levels as using reading glasses

Lady C was struggling to read the menu. Her date offered to read it aloud, to which she declined the generous offer. Lady C then whipped out a literal magnifying glass that was patiently waiting in her handbag, which suggests that it’s often in tow on her adventures. She then read the menu with great ease, clutching the presumably sterling silver handle and taking in every gourmet option available to her. Celebrities, particularly posh ones, are a different breed. We must see to it that they are put down with immediate effect.


5. In 2018, celebrities are a lot more forthcoming with gossip than they used to be

Remember what celebrities used to be like? They wouldn’t tell us the last time they took a poo, never mind who they were trying to woo. Now we’re spoiled for tea. They’re publicly tweeting each other to cause a beef, they Instagram their relationships and some even liveblogging themselves giving birth. We’ve come a long way. Despite the world descending further and further into turmoil every day, we can be thankful for Sandra off Gogglebox who openly declares her fondness for married men.


6. The world is owned by minor celebrities and the rest of us are just living in it

Imagine sitting in a restaurant on a date and pausing proceedings so that you could drag your chair next to the other person’s seat and get a selfie. Not just one selfie, but multiple options to choose from so that you can convince your various social media account followers that you are indeed having a terrific time, rather than, you know, actually having a terrific time. Celebrities are just like you and I, if we were all narcissists obsessed with conveying our happiness online at the expense of ever truly being present in the moment. Oh wait.


7. Melinda Messenger doesn’t age and is therefore a purveyor of witchcraft

Look at that woman. She is 47 years old. In three years, she will be five decades old, that’s half a century. Explain how she has looked the exact same for the past twenty years, then? You cannot, because she is ageless. Melinda Messenger is a purveyor of witchcraft. She is conducting some sort of other-worldly experiment to halt the ageing process and it is working beyond belief. She must be locked up and forced to reveal her secrets. Once we get her, Gwen Stefani and Pharrell Williams in a room together, we may be able to stop time altogether.


8. Celebrities have far too much confidence than is normal

Imagine being on a first date. Imagine further, if you will, blurting out “Do you fancy me?” before dessert has even arrived. What kind of world are these celebrities living in? Sandra from Gogglebox is known for being a vibrant person, but her confidence is astounding. Celebrities will comfortably walk down the street and greet fans of theirs, even posing for photographs. That is most peoples’ idea of hell. The rest of us simply keep our eyes down and head shrugged so nobody can ever see our hideous faces as a gift to society.


9. Celebrities… *holding back tears* … it turns out….. they… they just want to find love like everyone els

Scratch everything I said before, none of it actually matters. It turns out celebrities are just like you and I. They want to find someone to spend the rest of their time with, reading papers, going for expensive coffee, wandering through the Sunday markets, attending lavish media events and appearing in Phillip Schofield’s Snapchat story. Melinda Messenger found love on Celebrity First Dates. There is some good left in the world after all. All is forgiven. Celebrities might be many things, but it turns out they are also human. Namaste. God bless us, everyone.



Images via Channel 4