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04th Jul 2017

6 scandalous things you might’ve missed on last night’s Love Island

WARNING: The following content contains abnormally small male nipples.

Ciara Knight

Episode 25.

Things are still very much happening in that villa. Luckily, I’m here as JOE’s official Love Island correspondent to delve into last night’s goings-on.

A lot happened both on screen and off. Here’s what you probably missed, you unobservant swine.

1. Tyla’s tattoo legitimately and ironically says ‘Live Laugh Love’

I’d seen some tweets around the place suggesting that Tyla was in possession of a triple L tattoo, but I hadn’t noticed it myself so decided it was perhaps a myth. Well that all changed last night, as Tyla gave the camera exactly what it wanted: A good angle on her forearm. Tyla’s tattoo absolutely 100% says ‘Live Laugh Love’. Not in a jokey way, not in an ironic way (I’m assuming), she just legitimately feels so strongly about the LLL lifestyle that she’s decided it should be forever immortalised on her person.

What does this revelation say about Tyla as a person? Frankly, enough. Tyla could have a secret past as a missionary in third world countries, aiding the likes of Mother Teresa to eradicate poverty, but I’ll still judge her solely on those three words she has permanently inked on her body. Does Tyla truly indulge in the triple L lifestyle? Sure, we’ve seen her live, we’ve certainly seen her laugh, but have we seen her love? Only time will tell. Also if Tyla was any banter at all, she’d get ‘Island’ tattooed after ‘Love’ and firmly cement herself as a lifelong full time mad bastard.

2. Marcel may have left Blazin’ Squad, but Blazin’ Squad has never truly left him

Blazin’ Squad were a hip hop group, or to you and I, an edgy boyband. As is commonplace for any boyband worth their salt, the boys will often coordinate their outfits ever so slightly to give themselves a look of togetherness and to set them aside from the other attendees of local battle of the bands competitions, and prison cells. Blazin’ Squad were no exception to this role, often adopting the same coloured clothing and generally just looking like a pack of musically gifted water park attendants.

Flash forward 15 years and Marcel has reached the dizzying heights of being a Love Island contestant, and has even bagged himself a lady. Rather than shower her with love and affection, Marcel is forcing Gabby, against her own free will, to dress exactly the same as him. It’s sick. This poor young lady is being brainwashed and the other islanders are just standing by and allowing it to happen. Before we know it, Gabby will be sporting a pair of baggy jeans, a peaked beanie hat and a striped eyebrow. Please, if you have any humility, vote these two off the island.

3. Somebody on the island has the shits

Piss off, it’s episode 25 and I’m running out of things to say. Anyway, Chyna and Amber were having the most passive aggressive conversation I’ve personally ever witnessed, when my eyes began to wander around the makeup room. The place is an absolute shit tip and they should all be ashamed of themselves for creating and subsequently occupying a fucking pigsty. However, where there’s mess, there’s content. If you look to the lower left portion of the above image, you’ll notice a small box partially concealed by another item. That, my friends, is a box of Imodium.

That little box consisting of a mixture of white, purple and turquoise colours is unmistakeable. Someone on that island has got the shits and I’m determined to get to the arse of it. It’s too grainy to see whose water bottle is next to them, but I’ve no issue in hazarding a guess regardless. The folks had literally just landed from Casa Amor, so they’re all out of the equation. That leaves the original villa’s inhabitants. Folks, it’s absolutely Craig. We’ve already seen that he can’t withstand the rays of the sun in Majorca, so it’s no stretch to deduce that the food is also upsetting his system. Craig has the shits.

4. Craig’s nipples are quite small

In comparison with Alex’s monstrous nips yesterday, today we’ve got a new subject of interest in town and his name is Craig’s Nipples. Look at that little thing, I’ve got toenails bigger than that. Craig is a personal trainer and he somehow hasn’t worked out how to enlarge his nipples? Weak. His nipples are so small, you need a magnifying glass, Inspector Morse and a fully up-to-date map of the area to find them. They’re so small, shortening their name to ‘nips’ is still too long of a word to describe them.

But what does this mean about Craig as a person? Well, his areola is teeny weeny, which means he probably has a very small chance at making it as a model. The fashion industry is cut-throat, so they’re not going to pay the remotest amount of heed to someone whose fully erect nipple is actually smaller than it was when flaccid. Basically, Craig should cover up his nips before they hinder his future career after Love Island any further. I suggest a teeny tiny flesh coloured plaster.

5. Kem has cyanosis

Eagle eyed viewers may have noticed it last night because I sure did. Kem (off Love Island) has cyanosis. It’s a common condition that is the result of hypoxemia (a low amount of oxygen-carrying hemoglobin within red blood cells). Normally, arterial blood is flush with these oxygenated cells, making your blood appear bright red, but when oxygen levels decline, blood contains less red blood cells and turns blue. Because your skin is a combination of your skin pigmentation and the colour of your blood, cyanosis is an indicator of this deficiency and is often first noticed on the lips, gums, around the eyes, and under the nails.

So where does this leave Kem? Well, technically he can continue taking part in Love Island, but he’ll have to address this condition at some point. It’s quite snakey of him to keep this a secret for the past four weeks, so it will be interesting to hear his side of things. Will Amber still love him? Has she even noticed? Will Kem finally fulfil his dream of being part of the Blue Man Group when he leaves the island? We’ll have to eagerly wait and see.

6. Alex’s boob twitches when he’s excited

There’s been a lot of boob talk in today’s roundup of Love Island, but I make no apology for it. Last night’s episode was very boob-heavy, especially after Alex got a text. Montana got to take part in her favourite pastime on the island, which is abruptly shouting ‘WE GOT A TEXT’ and thereby frightening the life out of every other soul in the villa. Today’s text informed the duo that they’d be going on a little date together in the hideaway.

Upon receiving the news, the pair got extremely excitable, at which point Alex’s right boob twitched ever so slightly. I’m not sure if this is as a direct result of the immense control he has over every single muscle in his body, or perhaps it was an involuntary action. Either way, Alex’s boob twitched and it was really fucking funny. Why was it the right boob? Is Craig jealous because his nipples are so small that nobody would notice even the slightest twitch? Is Alex this generation’s Pinocchio except with his boob instead of nose? Find out next time on Love Island.

All images via ITV