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03rd Jul 2017

Six vital things you might’ve missed on last night’s Love Island

You can take the Brits out of Britain, but you can't take the Britain out of the Brits (and other learnings)...

Ciara Knight

Episode 24.

Much like the entire six seasons of Lost, they’re still on that fucking island.

Thinks really kicked off (again) last night and as always, I will now bring some matters to the forefront of the ongoing Love Island conversation.

Stay woke.

1. You can take the Brits out of Britain, but you can’t take the Britain out of the Brits

Lest anyone needs reminding, this selection of Brits (and two Irish) are currently residing on the island of Majorca. The average temperature in Majorca at this time of year is well into the 30s, with a moderate breeze throughout the day to keep things moving. What I’m saying is that Majorca is, at present, spurting out prime clothes drying conditions. Obviously, this is an alien scenario for any British person, but they’ve had four weeks on that island to get used to it.

So riddle me this, Britain. WHY. THE. FUCK. ARE. THESE. DEGENERATES. DRYING. THEIR. BIKINIS. ON. THE RADIATOR? Surely they have the good sense to keep the heating turned off in the villa considering it’s practically tropical outside? It’s unlikely there’s even a breath of heat coming from that device. Why isn’t their swimwear draped over the balcony railing to dry overnight like any sensible Brit abroad has become accustomed to on holidays? Call the whole thing off. They’re too dumb. Nobody deserves to win anymore.

2. Olivia willingly drinks tea OUT OF A GLASS

It’s morning time on Love Island. Everyone’s wiping the sleep from their eyes, wishing each other a good day, getting showered and dressed, chatting about their dreams and HANG ON A FUCKING SECOND IS OLIVIA DRINKING TEA OUT OF A GLASS? She is. She fucking is. Olivia, Love Island contestant 2017, is drinking her morning brew from a piece of glassware. I understand that the sun can sometimes go to peoples’ heads and leave them a bit scatty, but this is nothing short of an arrestable display of lunacy.

The average glass isn’t manufactured to withstand the effects of boiling liquids. For that, you require something sturdy, such as a mug or perhaps a kick up the arse to knock some sense into you. What Olivia is doing here is grossly irresponsible, dangerous and frankly makes her look like a moron. Is it fashionable? Sure. But there’s nothing fashionable about having the glass you’re holding smash into a thousand pieces, thereby piercing your skin and spilling a boiling hot drink all over your person. Smarten up, islanders. We can’t vote you off if you’re in hospital.

3. Apparently, Spanish postcards are A4 sized

The biggest scandal from last night was when a postcard arrived at the villa, which was covered with a collage of the boys’ photographed in compromising situations with the new islanders at the other villa. The second biggest scandal was the fucking size of that postcard, which comes in at a very sturdy A4 size. As someone who has both sent and received postcards in their time, I can confirm that that is utter bollox and we are being lied to. We all know that postcards are A6 at the very most.

What’s happening here is that the producers of Love Island are yet again trying to pull the wool over our eyes. We’re not stupid. We might be watching moronic television because of a scientifically proven need for escapism from the intricacies of daily life, but we also want the truth. Just be honest. That’s not a postcard, it’s a shit-stirring sheet of A4 paper, and that’s absolutely fine. Just don’t call it a postcard then.

4. Amber is definitely going to pawn off Kem’s bracelet when she gets home and tbh fair fucks to her

Even after finding out that Kem was doing the nasty (kissing another girl on a rocking bed) in the other villa, a heartbroken Amber continued to wear his bracelet. She’s kept it on throughout the rough patch they’re currently going through, signalling that she was pretty certain they’d one day reconcile and go back to being the beloved ‘Kember’. However, the arrival of an A4 postcard changed everything and reduced Amber to her familiar look of makeup smudge defying tears.

In the ultimate act of revenge, I predict that Amber is going to keep the bracelet that Kem gave her, wait until she gets back to the UK and then see what she can get from the gentlemen at Cash 4 Gold, given that it is of significant sentimental value and has also been on the telly. With her earnings, Amber will buy a train ticket to Essex to show Kem the tan lines that the bracelet has left behind, before telling him that she’s sold the bracelet because she’s completely over him, but if he ever wants to get back together she’s 100% game because he’s literally her type on paper.

5. Alex has really big nipples

Yes, you caught me. Last night I may have tweeted a slightly enlarged nipple, but the point remains. Alex has above average sized nipples. You know what they say about guys with big nipples? Very large appetite for milk, incidentally. As of yet, we know very little about Alex, other than the fact that he’s been ‘sticking it on’ Montana. But does this girl know what she’s got herself into? Surely she’s seen those nipples up close, and she’s entirely fine with it? Word of warning, Montana: The bigger the nipple, the bigger the consumption of dairy.

Alex is a little bit too good looking, so this slight imperfection is exactly what the viewer wants to see. Aha! He doesn’t have it all. Babies are probably quite confused when they meet him, as they immediately head for his tit to get a their daily fix of boob juice. Embarrassed, Alex probably refuses the babies and laughs it off, but deep down, this is a man going through a tough time. Maybe they were even bigger before, so he had surgery to reduce them. Maybe the Doctor refused to make them any smaller to teach him a valuable lesson about greed.

6. Dom shaves under his eyes

Admittedly, I am a female, so I know little to nothing about the intricacies of shaving a male face. However, what I can do in abundance is wildly speculate about the strange habits of Love Island contestants and what these quirks reveal about their character. With that in mind, Dom is a fucking sociopath. Why is he shaving underneath his eyes? I don’t believe that hair has the ability to grow there. Is he hiding something? Why is Kem staring at him from the shower? Something deeply strange is definitely afoot if the likes of Kem is paying attention.

SPOILER: Dom left the island last night as he didn’t choose to couple up with anyone. Can we attribute his bizarre shaving technique to this misfortune? Absolutely. Dom has Undereye Hair Syndrome, a condition that affects 1 in 4 million people worldwide. This island isn’t enough for him. Dom has razor endorsements to tend to in the outside world, thanks to his newfound fame. He’ll be giving a TED talk next month and motivational talks every other day between now and then. Dom’s future is bright and it’s hairless. We wish him the very best.

Images via ITV


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