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26th Jul 2019

An incomplete list of players you’d want defending your Hummer from armed robbers

Kyle Picknell

Sead Kolašinac bobbing up and down in a boxing stance whilst fending off knife-wielding attackers in motorcycle helmets is undoubtedly the mood of the summer

If there is a single member of the Arsenal squad qualified to operate as the burly protector to Mesut Özil, it’s Sead Kolašinac. In fact, it might only be Sead Kolašinac. I mean, who else in that team is throwing down against armed robbers? Bellerin and Lacazette are too handsome, they’re not risking it. Aubameyang is a grown man that occasionally wears a Spiderman mask. He’s not stepping in. And if he does he’s getting battered.

Koscielny doesn’t care enough anymore. Torreira would want to but he is, unfortunately, 5 ft 6. Xhaka would probably give it a good go judging by the way he tackles but then again, also judging by the way he tackles, he is as likely to knock himself out as he is his opponent. Nobody else in the Arsenal squad is even worth considering. Bernd Leno? He’s not doing anything. Matteo Guendouzi is literally 12 years old and would get his hair pulled.

So well done to him. Three cheers to Sead Kolašinac for battering two armed men on behalf of Mesut Özil, who, presumably, was using his playmaking abilities to create space for the Bosnian international. You know. By shutting the car door and driving off.

Anyway, this whole scenario got me thinking: which footballer would you most want in the passenger seat beside you if your Hummer was attacked by two men with knives? Well, thankfully, there a number of stellar names that spring to mind. Let’s go through them, shall we?

Olof Mellberg

I’m sorry, but you’re not robbing a car with Olof Mellberg sat inside it. That just isn’t a thing that can happen. This is how robbing a car with Olof Mellberg inside it goes: The knife-wielding lad in a motorbike helmet starts hammering on the window to get the car driver’s attention and screams, over and over, “GET OUT THE FUCKING CAR”. Olof Mellberg slowly winds down the window. The motorbike helmet freezes. “No”, Olof Mellberg says. “Sorry, Mr Mellberg. I am so so sorry. I didn’t realise. I had no idea it was you. Sorry. Sorry.” They then drop their knives and run whilst Olof Mellberg gives his luscious beard a stroke or two and gets on with his day.

That’s it. That is all that is happening.

Gary Medel

Lionel Messi looking into the void and the void looking right fucking back

Gary Medel is just fascinating, isn’t he? There isn’t a single more fascinating football player in the world than Gary Medel. Consider, first, his dimensions. He is, remarkably, the only elite level athlete in the world who is also shaped exactly like an upright shoebox. Gary Medel is a medical marvel. Even the fact that he can run is astounding. Aerodynamically he should just not be able to. And then there’s the way he used to combine those two things, being shaped like a shoebox, and therefore not being aerodynamically feasible, with playing in a ridiculous high-pressing, high line, high tempo 3-3-1-3 Chile team as the central defender, and being fucking amazing at it.

Nothing about Gary Medel makes sense and therefore, despite his height and obvious physical limitations, you’d want him alongside you in the Hummer. Just imagine the sheer amount of blows the man could take. He’d just absorb them. The carjackers would die of exhaustion before they’d even given him a bruise.

Ron Vlaar

It’s Ron Vlaar. You’re not carjacking Ron Vlaar. Look at him. How on earth are you carjacking Ron Vlaar. You’re not.

Graeme Souness

This is Graeme Souness’s face when Paul Pogba tracks back by jogging. Imagine how he is reacting to two men with knives attempting to rob his car. Especially if they are doing it a bit lazily. Especially if their posture isn’t perfect. Especially if they start trying to rob him a bit halfheartedly. Imagine how angry he is getting then. I don’t think anyone in the world has ever been half as angry as Graeme Souness would get if he encountered two robbers with lazy body language trying to carjack him.

See also: Roy Keane.

Duncan Ferguson

Duncan Ferguson literally put a burglar in hospital for three days. And then did it again the next time he was burgled. He has both a ‘Burglary attempts at his homes‘ and a ‘Convictions for physical altercations’ section on his Wikipedia page. I genuinely fear for the life of the next person who attempts to rob Duncan Ferguson.

Daniele De Rossi

Do you see the pain in his eyes? Daniele De Rossi has seen some shit, man. He’s seen things you wouldn’t believe. He’s not arsed about two gimps in helmets trying to stab him. He’s not arsed one bit.

Jaap Stam/Nemanja Vidic/Sami Hyypiä/Any big, European, vaguely robotic early-to-mid 00s centre back

I mean this is just self-explanatory isn’t it. Your Khalid Boulahrouzs. Your Robert Huths. Your Daniel Aggers. Your Martin Laursens. Your Hermann Hreidarssons. Fuck it. Give me your Brede Hangelands, your Martin Skrtels, your Alpay Özalans too. They’d all do a job. Each and every one of them. Give me any of them and I’d be sound.

Diego, Simeone or Godin, ideally both

It’s a real shame that Diego Godin has finally left his inspiration/mentor/fellow impossibly hard bastard father figure Diego Simeone after all these years. They were an impossibly beautiful duo. Simply put, if you’re a carjacker and you attempt to boot off with these two, you’re in trouble. You’re deep in shit. If you’re trying to rob BOTH OF THEM, AT THE SAME TIME, then you are in a world of pain. Diego (Simeone) is going to do awful, awful things to you, like gnaw off your foot or something, whilst Diego (Godin) is simply going to nut you to death. Even through the motorbike helmet. The helmet isn’t going to save you. He will nut through the helmet and then your skull and then your brain. All whilst El Cholo is chomping through your ankle. Don’t carjack them, basically. It will never, ever be worth it.

Aleksandar Mitrović

Aleksandar Mitrović is just Sead Kolašinac but a) bigger and b) much, much bigger. He is, therefore, battering the two carjackers even more than Kolašinac did.

Salomón Rondón

Salomón Rondón is just Aleksandar Mitrović but a bit bigger, a bit heavier and Venezuelan. He is, therefore, battering the two carjackers even more than Mitrović hypothetically would.

Not Scott Brown

Look. I love Scott Brown. I spent 1000 words wishing him a happy birthday. That is 998 more words than a spend wishing my own mother, literally the woman who birthed me, a happy birthday.

But the thing is, you don’t want him defending your Hummer from armed robbers. He would get too excited. That’s like all his Christmases and birthdays and shithouse hopes and dreams come at once. I absolutely dread to think what would happen with Scott Brown in that scenario. Would… would he get sexually aroused? Would.. would the sheer adrenaline of the moment kill him? Like would he just drop dead? Would he punch one of the men so hard his shoulder completely ruptures and his arm simply falls off? Who knows. But I can’t take the risk. I just need a normal, steady battering of the two men, and maybe some mild cannibalism if Diego Simeone is involved. That’s it. I do not need Scott Brown picking up the Hummer itself and throwing it at the two attackers whilst I am still in the car. That isn’t what you need in the situation. The end.