Last night we saw 'the good Pogba' and a 'classy and composed' Fred, according to The Guardian
Player ratings are an art form. They're easy to do but extremely difficult to master and if, like me, you believe French doom-mongers L'Equipe to have it absolutely spot on, dishing out 1s and 2s like the old Xavi-Iniesta-Busquets Barcelona midfield, then you will be similarly appalled by the numbers the Guardian player ratings were peddling after last night's Manchester derby.
For anyone that watched the game it was clear that other than for the first 30 minutes or so, during which they managed to hassle Manchester City into unusually clunky passages of play, United were far inferior to Pep Guardiola's side, who won fairly comfortably. This is the Manchester Derby at Old Trafford, remember. It's not supposed to be like that. As Gary Neville put it in his post-match analysis: "I think that's as good as United have got. That’s that team. What we saw there tonight between Manchester United and Manchester City was the gulf in class between the two teams."
The Guardian, or at least Jamie Jackson, saw it differently and opted to give only one Manchester City player - the ethereal Bernardo Silva - a higher player rating than the likes of Fred, Paul Pogba and Marcus Rashford.
Fred, in particular, turned in a horror show of a performance, gifting the City midfield the ball with such regularity it is now unclear whether he actually possesses trichromatic vision. He got a 7.
Paul Pogba, whose most notable action during the game was to lose a headed duel with the notoriously fearsome aerial threat Raheem Sterling, got a 7 as well.
Yeah, let's rip these apart, shall we? Let's do just that. Find the Guardian's player rating and justification in bold, with my translation of what they actually mean underneath.
Manchester United
David de Gea - His most dire display for United? The Spaniard was culpable for both of the City goals. 2/10
One of the few players I could rate at least semi-accurately as I didn't need to pay attention to him other than the replays for the goals.
Ashley Young - Responded to recent criticism with a compact display in a solid rearguard (De Gea apart). 5
Solid rearguard, as in only conceding two goals with a defence containing Ashley Young, Chris Smalling and Matteo Darmian is something of an achievement.
Matteo Darmian - First league start under Solskjær and he was accomplished enough to vindicate selection. 6
Unlike Phil Jones, managed to complete 90 minutes without ploughing head-first into the turf or pulling a face you only see on those roller coaster pictures snapped halfway down a 100-foot vertical drop. That's good enough for us.
Chris Smalling - Had a near-nightmare moment, nearly deflecting a shot into his own goal – but De Gea saved. 6
Pretty much: "Had a shocker but was bailed out by the player we gave a 2 rating to so, I don't know, a 6? Yeah. A 6 will do. That somehow makes sense."
The only competent United defender. So give him an extra point, I guess.
Gave Bernardo Silva the freedom of the city for the opening goal but we'll say something vague about his 'pace being a threat' before he 'faded' and choose to mention an irrelevant three-game ban instead. *man shrugging emoji*.
https://twitter.com/JDNalton/status/1121151371363876864
Yeah, sorry. Time to come clean guys. I was watching
instead. Had a 50/50 chance, didn't I? Phil Spencer was on form anyway, helping Tom and Sue find an absolutely gorgeous new home in Suffolk.
This is my first football match. What's going on? What are the rules? Who are the blue team? City? As in... Coventry City? Number 17 doesn't even have to look when he kicks it! Wow! He just boots it anywhere! Apparently just so he can run and try and get it back over and over! He must be good. A comfortable 7. A 7 if I've ever seen one.
Cultured, as in I don't know how to describe him as a player. I have no idea. Was he actually unlucky to be replaced even though he offers little attacking threat (despite being a 'cultured' player apparently!) and United were 2-0 down at the time? Who knows! Not me, that's for sure.
Marcus Rashford could shit in my bed and I'd still come home, give him a clap, a pat on the head and rate it seven out of ten.
Think... think I've actually got this one about right. A weird, weird feeling. Oh well, time for the City team. I'll be sure to mix it up again.
Was excellent at being a goalkeeper but not up to my admittedly lofty standards for passing a football demonstrated by my rating of Fred who, in comparison, kept finding the Manchester City players with unerring precision.
I'm literally describing Fred here.
A full point worse than Chris Smalling I reckon, who conceded two goals and should have conceded another after getting turned inside out by Raheem Sterling in his own box, as well as almost putting one in his own net himself. Sounds about right.
"I am quite clearly a Manchester United fan."
Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
I have called him the pick of the City midfielders but still decided to give them all the same rating.
David Silva here, just about as good as Fred.
Words words words words words meaningless words that don't actually tell you anything just vague empty words words words.
MY GOD I WISH HE PLAYED FOR UNITED.
Won't mention him hitting the post. Will instead opt for 'sharp' and 'difficult to contain' as though I am describing the pain I felt watching my team lose and the bias in my player ratings instead.
Ripped United apart for the second goal and manipulated Fred like he was sewing up his daughter's school trousers. Which he probably does because he is a lovely man. Outjumped 6 foot 4 Paul Pogba for a towering header despite a 9-inch height difference. The same rating as both of them it is! I'm getting good at this.
