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10th Jul 2015

9 footballers who look absolutely nothing like footballers

They don't fool us...

Nooruddean Choudry

There are certain footballers out there who simply don’t look the part.

They may talk like footballers. They may play like footballers. They may even taste like footballers. But they aren’t. They’re frauds. There’s something about them that doesn’t fit. And we’re onto them. Here we uncover world football’s biggest frauds…

Henrikh Mkhitaryan

Henrikh Mkhitaryan  - Photocall : News Photo

Wikipedia: ‘Henrikh Mkhitaryan is an Armenian professional footballer who plays as a midfielder for German club Borussia Dortmund and captains the Armenia national team.’

Reality: Renowned plastic surgeon with offices on London’s Harley Street. Prides himself on being the ‘best in breasts’ for his award-winning mammary augmentation work. He ended up marrying that girl you really fancied at school, and your mum openly wishes you’d turned out like him, the prick.

Dani Alves

080 Barcelona Fashion Week 2015 - Day 3 : News Photo

Wikipedia: ‘Dani Alves is a Brazilian professional footballer who plays as a right back for Italian club Juventus and the Brazil national team.’

Reality: An American rapper, singer, songwriter, entrepreneur, actor, DJ, record producer, and philanthropist. He rose to fame with when his group, Sonic Boomsexx, went mainstream with their double-platinum selling hit Stink Love. Dani is currently a judge on popular talent show ‘Listen To My Face’.

Andrés Iniesta

Spain v Tahiti: Group B - FIFA Confederations Cup Brazil 2013 : News Photo

Wikipedia: ‘Andrés Iniesta is a Spanish professional footballer who plays for FC Barcelona and the Spain national team as a central midfielder.’

Reality: A licensed funeral director and embalmer. Iniesta took over the running of the family company from his father. An unassuming chap, Andrés takes great pride in his work and wants the departed to look their best for both grieving relatives and the afterlife, if indeed there is one. Andrés has his doubts.

Kevin Strootman

PSV Eindhoven v SSC Napoli - UEFA Europa League : News Photo

Wikipedia: ‘Kevin Strootman is a Dutch footballer who plays as a midfielder for Roma and the Netherlands national football team.’

Reality: Former porn star who went by the alias ‘Footlong Starbuck’, but has been trying to break into mainstream film and television for the last few years. Strootman’s credits include ‘Car Park Attendant’ on detective show Monk, and ‘Jealous ex-boyfriend in flashback’ on How I Met Your Mother.

Thomas Müller

Thomas Mueller visits Adidas HQ : News Photo

Wikipedia: ‘Thomas Müller is a German footballer who plays for Bayern Munich and the German national team.’

Reality: Life coach and self-help author. He became well known through his infomercials and self-help books, Let Me Inside You, You Are Uglier Than You Could Be, and Self Love Is The Best Love. His next TED Talk is about how to take advantage of deeply unhappy people for huge personal gain.

Jerome Boateng

Germany Training & Press Conference - Group B: UEFA EURO 2012 : News Photo

Wikipedia: ‘Jerome Boateng is a German footballer who currently plays as a defender for Bayern Munich and the Germany national football team.’

Reality: Co-Founder and CEO of GashTag, a controversial mobile dating application that relies purely on candid pictures of genitalia and emoticons. His one remaining ambition in life is to buy the only existing copy of Wu-Tang Clan’s Once Upon a Time in Shaolin from renowned knobhead, Martin Shkreli.

Mark Viduka

Newcastle United v Aston Villa : News Photo

Wikipedia: ‘Mark Viduka is an Australian retired soccer player who played as a centre forward for a number of clubs including Newcastle United and Celtic.’

Reality: Former children’s television presenter, best known for his work on the CITV programme, Isn’t He Stupid! He recently made a disastrous appearance on Celebrity Big Brother, where he was caught danger-w**king in the hot tub whilst Judy Finnigan was having an asthma attack.

Andros Townsend

2015 William Hill PDC World Darts Championships - Day Eight : News Photo

Wikipedia: ‘Andros Townsend is an English professional footballer who plays as a winger for Championship club Newcastle United and the England national team.’

Reality: A prodigy at Apple Inc, who rose through the ranks to give it all up to become a professional poker player. He has won ten World Series of Poker bracelets, one World Poker Tour title and appeared at nine World Poker Tour final tables. Andros also killed Tomas Brolin in 2009 but no one’s noticed.

Lionel Messi

Argentina v Chile: Championship - Copa America Centenario : News Photo

Wikipedia: ‘Lionel Messi is an Argentine professional footballer who plays as a forward for Spanish club Barcelona.’

Reality: Lead singer with London banjo wankers, Messi and Sons. They enjoyed huge fame as rich kids playing overly sincere twangy folk-rock whilst wearing waistcoats and neckerchiefs despite being from Wimbledon. Messi and the lads fancied a change a direction for their third album so they started wearing leather jackets.