Sponsored by The Commuter.
Commuting is probably the least fun you can have in life.
Having to go to work isn't particularly exhilarating, but the actual act of travelling between your house and your job is a singularly unenjoyable experience. The same can't be said of
The Commuter, the latest action thriller starring your friend and mine Liam Neeson, which is in UK cinemas on January 19 and kicks some serious ass.
But back in the real world, the world of sticky seats and mind the gap, commuting is a rumbling monotony at best and at worst a murderous rampage in the making. It's all down to the people, assuming your train or bus is mechanically sound. If you're travelling with a decent bunch of fellow commuters, your journey will be completely forgettable, which is exactly what you want. But if you get just one of the following, you're in for the longest ride of your life.
The Space-Hogger
"You see all this?" the gentleman with the satchel and shopping bags said, gesturing to the formerly empty seats which he had so tastefully adorned with his belongings. "These are all mine. I know that we share an equal number of buttocks and an indelible right to perch them upon a public seat, but as I made clear: these are all mine."
Most of the time a loud cough or a stern look will get you, well, nowhere, but at least you showed that seat hog who's boss, or who would be boss if their protests weren't being completely ignored. All of this is usually resolved by plucking up the courage to ask if you can sit there, but the resulting heart palpitations and profuse sweating somewhat taint the rest of the journey.
The Showerless Stink
You'd think that we had, as a society, evolved to the point where it's generally accepted that having a wash is a good thing. "Feudalism is over!" the crier called as he ran through the streets. "We don't need to crawl around in the mud any more. At last, we can shower!"
The message clearly has not been relayed to everyone, as an odorously-vocal minority have decided to opt out of the daily shower. Get wedged in with one of these people is and you may as well be riding a bin lorry to work. They themselves may not care that they stink like a rotting sack of onions, but the disregard for other people's nostrils is just plain rude.
The Only Human Alive
Though they may get a bad rap from time to time, people are generally not too bad. What makes people generally not too bad is that they acknowledge and respect the existence of other people. On the rare occasion that this doesn't happen, it can be a little vexing. Vexing to the point of wanting to grab a marker pen and scribble 'WE'RE HERE TOO, YA KNOW' on their forehead.
The person who doesn't move down inside the bus or carriage to let other people get on. The person who barges their way on board while others are trying to get off. The person who spreads themselves over the seats and into everyone's personal space. It's not life or death stuff, but think how much better commuting - no, the world - would be if everyone gave just the tiniest little bit of a shit more about what's happening outside of their own self.
The Garbage Person
Littering is among the most detestable human qualities, showing a total disregard for both people and planet. Littering on the bus or train is particularly disgraceful - who hasn't rushed to the only available seat to find it covered in fast food or had to stand on a sticky floor thanks to someone's not-empty-enough tinny?
There is something especially galling about littering from a car, though. Seeing someone hurl rubbish out of their moving car is just such an affront to decent society that it makes you want to slam your foot down on the accelerator and ram them into the middle of next week. There's no excuse for it.
The 'Really? Must You Do That?'
Have you ever seen someone clipping their nails on public transport? I have. It was strange and a little disturbing. More than a little, actually. It was upsetting. Some things should not leave the sanctity of the home, and clipping your nails most definitely belongs in that category.
There's a host of things that are perfectly fine to do in the comfort of your own abode but must absolutely not be done on public transport. Taking your shoes off is one. Spraying deodorant is another. Clipping your nails is most definitely another. Good rule of thumb: if you normally only do it at home, keep it that way.
The PDA Offender
Maybe we're a nation of misery guts for feeling like this, but no one wants to see two people copping off on the 07:45 from Stevenage. Love is great and everything, but when you're half-hungover, dreading work and attempting to choke down a stale bacon sarnie, the last thing you want to do is a tangle of tongues slobbering all over your shoes.
The Chatty Stranger
Commuting generally happens at two times during the day: early in the morning or after a long day at work. Neither are optimal times for conversation - everyone just wants to get their head down, chill out and not worry about the day ahead or the day gone past.
So when someone tries to strike up a conversation when you're clearly trying to read, listen to music or stave off the impending existential terror, the last thing you want to do is go through the motions with some randomer with whom the only thing you have in common is the bus you currently share. Leave it out, will you?
The Smelly Food Connoisseur
Sometimes the circumstances mean that you have to eat on the go, but bringing a McDonald's breakfast onto a packed train is just evil. It's pure evil. Those delicious aromas, teasing and torturing the poor souls who have nothing but a slice of toast in their bellies. How could you? The same goes double for food that is less pleasant on the nose - do you really need to open that mackerel salad right here, right now?
Okay, this is an awkward point to make, because every commuter has done something like this at least once - I know I have. It's rampant hypocrisy, but if we can at least try to keep our respective smells to ourselves, that would be fantastic.
The Unwanted DJ
People playing loud music was perhaps more annoying in the days when only a few people had mp3 players or Walkmans - nowadays everyone's plugged in, so it takes an
especially loud set of headphones to make a fuss. But those people are out there, and they have some seriously loud headphones. Some seriously loud and seriously annoying headphones.
People who play music at such a ridiculous volume always seem to be listening to gabber or some other kind of relentlessly annoying electronic music. Why do you never hear anyone blaring Beethoven or Mahler out of their Skullcandy headphones? Or a nice bit of Otis Redding? That's my utopia.
The Slowcoach
People who can't walk quickly because they're elderly, disabled or just unable to through no fault of their own: this does not apply to you. As for the rest of you: Get. A. Move. On. What is the big hold up? Why are you taking an entire year to put one foot in front of the other?
It's a scientific fact that dawdlers are a drain on society, costing the economy millions of pounds each year and winding up commuters to the point of blind rage. Blocking up the platforms, getting in the way of people who have places to be and things to do. We're trying to get to work, not strolling down the village green on a Sunday.
The Germ-Spreader
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please keep your germs to yourself. If you need to cough, turn your head and cover your mouth. If you need to sneeze, try not to do it directly in a fellow traveller's face. If you have any kind of contagious disease or bubonic plagues, you should probably stay at home, but if you absolutely have to go to work, do your best to keep your boils from bursting all over the carriage.
The Commuter is in UK cinemas January 19 
