Vladimir Putin's 2019 calendar is every bit as Vladimir Putin as you'd expect
If you steal one, you'll get twelve months
Call your neighbour and update your Amazon wish list because Vladimir Putin's 2019 calendar has finally gone on sale.
— Frederik Pleitgen (@fpleitgenCNN) October 2, 2018
Before you make an irrational purchase, it's worth making sure that the Vladimir Putin 2019 calendar the right fit for you. Something like a Gary Barlow calendar might better cater to your needs, it's entirely down to personal taste. Relax, we can figure this one out. Together.
Let's take a look at some of the imagery included in the calendar to better gauge the thought process behind Putin's undeniable looks that he's serving.
"A president must be strong, he must be able to plunge his naked self into a body of water unaided, while gingerly holding onto the edge of the pool for stability. This shows that I am not above reinforcing my own power by leaning on others. I will keep my eyes fixated on the water so as to prove my intent on succeeding. Some dark-clothed men will hold poles in the background for no reason other than absolute banter. This proves that people will do whatever I say".
"Visibly out of breath having just completed a strenuous scuba diving task, I am clasping my hands in satisfaction of a job well done. My goggles are steamed up because I was performing at a staggering rate of efficiency. The wetsuit is stained because I have been diving so deep into unchartered waters, the sea life all gathered together to welcome me into their land. The hugs were tender and plentiful. We got on very well, sharing tales of corruption and a dislike for Americans. I am both a people and mammal person".
"A great leader must be likeable, so holding this puppy will prove that I am precisely that. The calendar purchasers will never know that this puppy is actually my own personal slave. I force him to carry out rudimentary tasks such as fetching my slippers, the newspaper, eating the dog food that I leave out for him, barking at intruders and generally looking and being adorable. I detest the companionship, this is purely a business partnership. The cuddles are insufferable. I hate them with my life. One day I will learn mind control and he will stop licking my face".
"This one isn't for the consumers, this is for the Zoolander 3 casting director. I'm ready for my big screen debut. I can act, I do it every time I have to shake the repugnant hands of my fellow world leaders. One smoulder into the camera and they'll be like putty into my hands. The gentlemen to my right have been threatened with execution if they dare outperform me. This is my moment, this is my opportunity to show the world that I am really, really ridiculously good looking. Pow. Right in the kisser. It's showtime, baby".
"So unfamiliar am I with a gun, I must protect my ears. So unfamiliar am I with necessitating ear protection due to gun usage, I have worn them incorrectly out of sheer lack of experience. Am I even holding this gun correctly? Violence is simply not the answer. The best way to solve our differences is to sit down and discuss our feelings, avoiding jumping to rash conclusions and ordering barbaric actions to be taken out on innocent victims. Today is opposite day, isn't it?".
"The puppy was sufficient, but it couldn't hurt to ham up the cute factor. Being placed beside a vicious animal and somehow inspiring a tame nature out of it will do wonders for my public image. My bootcut jeans and sensible shoes teamed with a Puffa jacket will give the illusion that I am a commoner, but my dominance being asserted over the wild animal will assure people that I am not. This calendar is a work of art and I, the puppet master".
"Oh fuck oh jesus oh fuck oh fuck. Get me off this enlarged rodent I am fucking serious this is not what I signed up for GET ME OFF HIM TAKE THE FUCKING PHOTOGRAPH IT'S DONE THAT'S A WRAP FUCK THIS"