David Cameron wants to give everyone a 'good life', according to the Conservative Party's general election manifesto.
He might have trouble convincing the million people using food banks and thousands more paying bedroom tax, but the Prime Minister says he wants to "finish the job he started".
Austerity has been the tune weary workers have been dancing to during the last five years of the Con-Dem Coalition, but now promises are being handed out like Quality Street at your nan's birthday bash.
Here are some of the supposedly delicious purple ones...
1. Right to Buy
Margaret Thatcher introduced this policy of selling off council houses to tenants back in the 1980s. Well, now Thatcher 2.0 has vowed to extend the Right to Buy scheme to housing association tenants.
Yes, there may be 1.8 million families on the social housing waiting list, but f**k it. Sell 'em off.
Cameron has however promised to build 200,000 starter homes for youngsters who can cobble together enough money with their 10 friends to buy that box room they always wanted in Shoreditch. Woop.
2. Minimum Wage
If you've ever had a minimum wage job, you'll know it pays an absolute pittance. That's before the tax man takes his generous cut, leaving you with enough for a
Starbucks coffee and the bus fare home.
Well, Cameron has promised to end tax altogether for minimum wage workers doing up to 30 hours a week.
You can treat yourself to that large chai latte you always wanted. And you'll never have to do that three-mile walk home in the rain again.
3. Death tax
Benjamin Franklin said there's two certainties in life - death and taxes. Three if you include the long-standing 'death tax' in Britain where the tax man waits until you kick the bucket to plunder your home.
Well no more! If the Conservatives are voted in on May 7 they will remove inheritance tax on family homes up to the value of £1m.
You can die rest-assured that your family won't have to hand over nearly half your estate to the tax man and join that social housing waiting list.
4. EU referendum
Do you want to be in Europe or not? Do you like doing those booze runs to Calais?
Or should we leave Europe and go and park up in the middle of the Atlantic far away from those money-wasting, diktat-imposing, sausage-eating European bureaucrats?
Well, vote Conservative and you will get your chance to vote in an EU referendum...in 2017.
5. Tax threshold
Do you like chorizo? Can you pronounce 'quinoa'? You're probably middle class enough to love this news then.
Dave and his gang want to up the 40p rate tax threshold for Volvo-driving funsters.
The threshold will rise from £42,000 to £50,000 which could lift up to 800,000 lucky people out of the 40p tax rate.
We wonder if there's going to be anyone left paying any tax at all?
