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15th Nov 2018

WATCH: Elton John stars in the new John Lewis Christmas ad

Kyle Picknell

Oh. It’s Christmas now, is it? It’s Christmas now because of an advert, is it?

It’s Christmas now because John Lewis, presumably once a man that existed, but now just the name of a shop that you don’t go into, said so. You know it? You know the one? The big one, that is just basically a load of smaller shops inside but they don’t have walls, so one minute you’re in a Topman and then if you walk over fifty yards you’re in a Ralph Lauren boutique. The one where you can’t afford to buy anything. The one that sells literally nothing you’ve ever needed. Nothing useful at all. That one. Loads of scented candles for £20 and cushions and weird fucking kitchen utensils. That one.

The one that releases a Christmas ad every year that people treat as an actual second coming of Christ.

And third, and fourth, and I don’t know how many years they’ve been pulling this shit.

*Extremely high-pitched Stewart Lee voice* Oh, it’s Christmas now is it? It’s Christmas now, because of an advert, is it? It’s time to get into the Christmas spirit, is it? Because of an advert? Ooooo do you feel all Christmassy now? Do you feel the haunting spectre of capitalism inside your very bones, do you? Time to buy everyone you know an ill-fitting jumper or a body wash and shampoo gift set is it? Best to keep the gift receipt because you know they won’t like it, is it? Gonna ask everyone how their Christmas shopping is going incessantly, is it? Because you already got all yours done by August last year, did you? Because you shop Christmasses a year in advance like a complete and utter raging lunatic? Yeah? Is that it? Is that the one? Is it Christmas? Is it? Is it? Yeah? Is it? Christmas? Christ-mas? Little baby Jesus? Pigs in blankets and cranberry sauce and having to talk to the family and pissed by 2 o’clock in your special reindeer socks, is it?

Look. Here. Watch it. Feel Christmassy if you must. Feel Christmassy because ever year, every single year, you need AN ADVERT from JOHN LEWIS to remind you to try and be kind to people and get in the spirit of giving and all that other absolute nonsense that people do for a week and go back to being their true, horrible, awful, selves.

Yeah, good that, isn’t it? Makes you want to buy your little Bradley a little fucking piano. Do you know something? Do you want to know something? Buy him a piano. He’ll fucking hate it, mate. He asked for a Playstation 4 and Red Dead Redemption like every other normal kid on the planet. That’s all they want. They don’t want a fucking piano to play in a feeble attempt to become the next fucking Elton John, Susan. Whatever the John Lewis advert might suggest.

That ‘Christmas spirit’ thing?

Doesn’t exist pal.

Buy little Bradley his game so he can shoot cowboys in the head and ride a virtual horse through a virtual landscape because it’s better than this obscene distorted reality we exist in and be done with it.

Be done with it all.

Until next year.

Until next year’s John Lewis ad.

Until the next time you feel something like the shallow pulse of love move through your hollow mind, your, lifeless body, because of a shop, and because of an advert.

(It’s still November, btw)