An intensive analysis on the utter insanity that is Christmas carol lyrics

Christmas carols have gotten out of hand

The lyrics exaggerate events that allegedly happened, they sensationalise the abilities of a newborn baby and above all else, they are an ear sore. The time has come to expose these carols for what they really are, which is bullshit. While I  both understand and respect the underlying story and message behind them, I simply cannot silence my grievances any longer. Christmas carol lyricists, look away now.

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Silent Night

Round yon virgin mother and child Holy infant so tender and mild Sleep in heavenly peace Sleep in heavenly peace

There's a substantial amount to unpack here. First of all, blasphemy aside, a mother who has birthed a child simply cannot be a virgin. Yes, there is one historic exception and that is Jane from Jane The Virgin, but that is where the list both starts and ends. If you have been impregnated, you are no longer a virgin. This is a lie that has stemmed from Catholicism and is now spilling into Christmas carols like a rotten apple infecting the entire tree. Secondly, to describe a holy infant as being both "tender and mild" is deeply unsettling. Tender is a description reserved solely for meat and mild is a descriptor for the weather and the spiciness of salsa, nothing else. Unless the writer of this song has tasted a holy infant, he/she is not in a position to describe its texture. This is an ill-informed lyric. Many will struggle to sleep in any sort of peace, be it heavenly or otherwise, after being subjected to such troubling lyrics. There will be no sleeping in heavenly peace after hearing this song. It can be repeated fourteen times for all I care, there will be no sleep tonight.

Silent night, holy night Shepherds quake at the sight Glories stream from heaven afar Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia

Shepherds are typically a sturdy folk. It's difficult to imagine them trembling at the sight of a silent and holy night. Most nights are silent, especially when you live outside the city. The fact that the night in question was reportedly holy shouldn't frighten them, it should comfort the shepherds before the birth of The Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, who is their personal shepherd after all. Heaven is very far away. No airline will fly there, nor has any spacecraft braved the ascent to date. So how are 'glories' audibly traveling all the way from heaven to Bethlehem? It's scientifically impossible. Sound can't travel that far. Those shepherds were lying. What they were hearing was a nearby 'Alleluia', not a heavenly one. It could've been coming from a karaoke bar, choir practice or CD player. They are liars. The entire Christmas carol is bullshit, I am sorry to say.   Deck The Halls

Don we now our gay apparel, Fa la la la la la la la! Troll the ancient Yuletide carol, Fa la la la la la la la!

What is gay apparel? Is it gay in the jolly sense or gay in the homosexual sense? Gay as in jolly apparel probably includes a Christmas jumper, maybe with flashing lights and a Rudolph nose that says 'Happy Holidays' when you press it. But gay as in homosexual apparel could be anything. I Googled 'homosexual apparel' and a bunch of normal clothes came up. Gay apparel is just regular apparel. This song is bullshit. They're actually begging for us to drag this song. 'Troll the ancient Yuletide carol', I most certainly will. The person that wrote this song knows that it's bullshit. They're letting us know that they're in on the joke, which is mildly comforting. Fa la la la la, I will continue to troll because I have been given permission.

See the blazing yule before us, Fa la la la la la la la! Strike the harp and join the chorus, Fa la la la la la la la!

A blazing yule I can get on board with because you can set fire to anything if you try hard enough. But striking a harp so as to join in with a chorus? It's unlikely that an already underway chorus could be contributed to in any meaningful way with the addition of a harp being struck. Harps are delicate instruments that produce the most heavenly of sounds with the lightest of touches. Striking a harp is unnecessarily aggressive and would ruin both the chorus of the song and the ambiance created by the blazing yule. It's a redundant suggestion and ill thought out. Yet again, this carol is bullshit.   Good King Wenceslas

Good King Wenceslas looked out On the feast of Stephen When the snow lay round about Deep and crisp and even

That is not the description of lying snow, that is the descriptor of a delicious pizza, as the joke told by every Dad the world over has informed us each Christmas since the beginning of time. Dads are right, that is precisely how the ideal pizza presents itself. Deep, crispy and evenly baked. Has anyone ever ordered a pizza to be thin, doughy and unevenly baked? Maybe on opposite day, but that's about it. Snow cannot be all of those properties, such perfection does not exist. Good King Wenceslas was looking out on Boxing Day and greeted by a pizza laying on his lawn. The composer of this song had blatantly just ordered a Domino's before he penned those lyrics. Case closed. The rest of the carol is cancelled. We're being lied to yet again.   Away In A Manger

Away in a manger No crib for his bed The little Lord Jesus Laid down his sweet head

We're all familiar with the excursion that Mary and Joseph had to endure to get themselves to a suitable place to perform the birth of their* son. But I'm not buying the insinuation that there wasn't a crib for the baby's bed. He is the Son of God. God could've magicked up a proper bed for his newborn kid within seconds if he was legitimately his. No son of his would dare be born into a mound of stinking hay.

The cattle are lowing The baby awakes But little Lord Jesus No crying he makes

Cattle are lowing? Sure, it's entirely plausible and not the source of my beef (pardon the pun) in this instance. The baby awakes? Sure, babies are notorious for waking up during the night. A newborn baby can wake as frequent as every two hours at night. It's the main source of new parents' stress and a common complaint to have. But here's where things get sketchy. 'No crying he makes'. Absolute bullshit. This baby has been through the mill on the night in question. He's been birthed in a literal garden shed among an uncomfortable amount of livestock, he hasn't seen a bed yet in his life and is instead resting on a pile of hay. Of course he's going to wail due to these inhumane conditions. He is the son of God. He deserves a bed, ffs. He would've bawled his eyes out. This is bullshit yet again.

Bless all the dear children In thy tender care And take us to heaven To live with thee there

Is this a suicide note? It's the final verse and it's chilling. The word 'tender' yet again rears its ugly head, distracting us from the matter at hand. Sure, the Lord's care might be tender, but so is a perfectly cooked steak. Why do the lyrics beg him to take us to heaven? Are we all dying to die so that we can spend the rest of eternity in the company of a newborn baby? I'd like to opt myself out of that equation, if possible. Newborns are a chore to be around. If I'm going to heaven, I want it to be on my terms. So for these reasons, I'm out. *Mary's son, not Joseph's. Honestly probably not even Mary's if she's allegedly a virgin. It's all very hazy.   God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

Remember Christ our saviour Was born on Christmas day To save us all from Satan's power When we were gone astray

Sure, let's indulge the fantasy that Jesus was born on Christmas day. But was his main purpose in being born to 'save us all from Satan's power when we were gone astray'? It seemed like he had bigger fish to fry, then enjoy with some accompanying loaves. Jesus can't possibly keep track of all of us at all times. Personally, I go 'astray' up to five times a day. It can be something as simple as ignoring an email that requires an urgent response, and can go up to anything as severe as mentally plotting an unsolvable murder like that guy did on Serial. My point is that Jesus has other business to tend to.

In Bethlehem, in Israel This blessed babe was born And laid within a manger Upon this blessed morn

We get it, everything was blessed. But is it ok to refer to our Lord and saviour Jesus Christ as a babe? Especially when he's just been born? The sexualisation of Jesus Christ is something that has long been debated and perhaps it's time we take a united stand. He should've been fully clothed on that cross. It's a distraction. The real issue at hand is chemtrails.   The First Noel

The First Noel, the angels did say Was to certain poor shepherds in fields as they lay In fields where they lay keeping their sheep On a cold winter's night that was so deep

There's no way shepherds sleep in fields with their sheep, so that's an absolute lie. The fact that the first verse of this carol has to TWICE reinforce that they've been laying in fields is proof enough that it's a fib. 'The shepherds? Who were lying in the fields with their sheep? Why yes, they were lying in the fields with their sheep at the time in question'. Oh they were lying alright, lying about lying in fields. Also, what's the difference between a cold winter's night and a deep cold winter's night? Does the deeper one get drunk and start asking what happens to our souls when we die? Does it believe that 9/11 was an inside job because jet fuel has been proven to be incapable of melting steel beams? This carol is bullshit, it was a regular winter's night. There was nothing deep about it.

Then entered in those wise men three Full reverently upon their knee And offered there in his presence Their gold and myrrh and frankincense

So the wise men barged their way into the stable on their knees? Were they doing that trick where you kneel down on your shoes to seem smaller? No, the three wise men walked into the calf shed upright just like everyone else. They may have subsequently dropped to their knees in respect, but they didn't crawl in. I was there, I can attest to that. Sure, I fully believe that they then gave a newborn baby a precious metal, some oil and an aromatic resin that's used in perfumes. Children love that shit! It was a no-brainer.

Then let us all with one accord Sing praises to our heavenly lord That hath made heaven and earth of nought And with his blood mankind has bought

Why can't Christmas carols just use normal words in a normal way? This linguistic calamity translates to 'Praise the lord, he's going to save us all'. That's nine succinct words as opposed to 28 confusing lumps of jargon. My overall point is that Christmas carols are bullshit, lyrically speaking. They stretch the truth and try to sound smarter than they actually are. We need to revamp our Christmas carols if they are to truly stand the test of time. Let us start the revolution by following Justin Bieber's lead with this display of lyrical perfection:

It's the most beautiful time of the year Lights fill the streets, spreadin' so much cheer I should be playin' in the winter snow, but I'ma be under the mistletoe I don't wanna miss out on the holiday, but I can't stop starin' at your face I should be playin' in the winter snow, but I'ma be under the mistletoe.

Merry Christmas!