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26th Mar 2019

A post-match analysis of Pope Francis vs people trying to kiss his ring

The scoreless draw wasn't without passion from both sides

Ciara Knight

The scoreless draw wasn’t without passion from both sides

Pope Francis doesn’t want anyone kissing his ring, period.

He was greeting worshippers in Loreto, Italy yesterday when the following sequence of events occurred:

People were staggeringly slow to realise that Pope Francis wasn’t keen on their grubby little mouths getting off with his ring.

The Pope’s defensive strategies were remarkable, with a number of teams reportedly interested in entering talks about a potential transfer.

The offensive side was relentless, throwing tackle after tackle Pope Francis’ way, doing well to keep a steady momentum going.

Some of the manoeuvres were spectacular. Let’s look at them in closer detail.

During the opening minutes of the match, Pope Francis is completely blindsided by a filthy tackle. The player is all over him, leaving little time to react. The Pope’s teammates are providing little support, almost in a daydream state with their focus elsewhere. The ring is completely exposed and in danger of being thoroughly saturated by the offender’s tactics. It all happens in the blink of an eye. It’s a tough blow to the Pope’s side and one that they’re sure to learn from as the game progresses.


Eager to come away with a good result and determined not to allow the mistakes of the past to be repeated, Pope Francis is ready for the next attack. He preempts the player’s moves, acting first and thinking later. That’s the mark of any great defender. Pope Francis clears the box before the other side have a chance to pounce. This is expertise. The previous mistake happened mere seconds ago, but the solution has already been implemented. It’s an impressive performance.


Look at this formation. This is a skill that cannot be taught, it must be inherited from other worldly powers, perhaps even the Lord himself. The Pope again preempts the next line of offence, this time pulling his hand towards him at the last second, meaning the player ends up kissing her own knuckle. It’s basically a forced handball situation and a glimpse into what a remarkable player can do entirely upon instinct. She didn’t stand a chance. The ring remains in possession of The Pope.


In another defensive masterclass, Pope Francis manages to avoid trouble using a split second decision to pull out from the encounter. He removes the ring from harm’s way at the last second, leaving the player confused and looking a little foolish. She ends up kissing thin air while the relic is brought to the safe confines of the abyss. The Pope’s teammate, although still thoroughly useless, looks on in amazement at his colleague’s Godlike defending abilities. Greatness is at work. Stand down.


A slightly more aggressive technique is employed here, whereby Pope Francis forcefully removes his ring from the danger zone, taking the player’s hand with him. Her defensive play is a determined one, stopped at nothing to get a go of her lips on that sweet, sweet ring. But Pope Francis is evidently the more experienced of the two, drawing on previously similar situations to nail the sucker. Time and time again, we see that experience trumps opportunity. You cannot score in an open goal if you don’t know how to strike.


In this four player tussle, Pope Francis is hit by a string of attacks, left entirely on his own to fend them off. The players are relentless in their pursuit of kissing the ring, but they’re dealing with a seasoned professional. One, two, three, four attacks on the ring are swiftly cleared with his trademark ring removal technique. The onlookers are stunned as they watch history being made on the pitch, right in front of their very eyes. Players like this come around once in a lifetime. This is top tier talent on display and he’s making it look easy.


As the floodlights illuminate his face, Pope Francis casually displays another revolutionary technique. He aggressively puts his hand atop the opposing player’s so as to break the contact, thereby keeping the ring unkissed. This is a new move we’re yet to fully comprehend here in the post match analysis business, one that merits a large amount of research and intensive study to gain insight into. Pope Francis is reinventing the game every time his plays. The likes of his talent has never been seen before and is unlikely to ever be seen again.


Another smooch-hungry player targets Pope Francis’ ring while his frankly useless teammate looks on without offering any support. The formation is all wrong, Pope Francis needs some help with the tackles as it becomes clear that the other team are going to continue to put pressure on him until he gives way. What they don’t know is that the Pope can keep this up all day. He’s put in the time during training, his fitness levels are superhuman and he will stop at nothing to defend the ring. They will not prevail.


In a final act of humility from both sides, peace eventually emerges. It has been a long and hard battle fought with the utmost integrity on both sides. Both teams have exercised great strength and determination in obtaining victory, but there can be only one winner. Pope Francis evidently will not tire, something the other team slowly has come to terms with. Two key players from the opposition arrive to make a mends. The relief is evident on all of their faces. These men have not come to kiss the ring. Instead, they would simply like their rosary beads to be blessed. Pope Francis happily obliges, welcoming a brief respite from the incessant attacks from the defence. Harmony is restored at last.


The final whistle blows and not a moment too soon. It’s a scoreless draw after a mammoth effort from both sides. A hard-fought battle was delivered, much to the delight of onlookers. Both teams will return for a replay next Saturday.



Images via Twitter