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21st Mar 2015

6 things you can expect to have seen by the next solar eclipse in 2090

Will Graziano Pelle have broken his scoring duck?

Tony Cuddihy

It’ll be another 65 years before we can tilt our heads upwards, squint, barely make something out behind the cloud cover and move on with our day.

By the year 2090, we expect editor Matthew ‘intentionally single’ Stanger to have finally experienced love for the first time, but what other seismic world events will have taken place by the time the moon blocks out the sun’s rays for a few moments of quiet introspection?

Maybe not much at all will have changed…

Artificial Intelligence will have killed us all

Robots bearing the Facebook logo scour the Earth for any pesky remaining humanoids, while ‘Mark Zuckerberg Version 54.0’ sits atop his technological throne composed entirely from dead and decaying status updates and viral videos of a long-forgotten twerking Ricky Gervais.

The sheer horror of it all.

Yet, the ties with the early part of the century remain in the shape of one particularly portly bureaucrat…

Cyborg Sepp Blatter is still in charge of FIFA

Having seen off the challenge of 68-year-old Jack Wilshere in 2070, Sepp’s part machine/part cryogenically frozen corpse is still waxing on and waxing off about playing World Cups on the North Pole, whether or not the offside rule is benefiting the attacker or the defender and where best to mount his bust of Jerome Champagne’s severed head.

Sepp Blatter Arrives in Belfast Ahead of the The International Football Association Board AGM

Graziano Pelle will have scored for Southampton

It took him 43 years and lots and lots of change, but the 72-year-old Italian used his walking stick to finally prod home a James Ward Prowse III cross at the far post in a top-of-the-table clash with European champions Blyth Spartans back in 2068.

He then retired immediately.

Southampton v Swansea City - Premier League

Kanye West woke up one morning and realised how big a c*ck he was

It just happened one random morning in 2027, somewhere between the brushing of the golden teeth, the waxing of the golden chest and the plonking of the golden Nespresso pod into the…

You get the picture.

…and then, one random November day, he turned to himself in the mirror and realised that the ‘pearls of wisdom’ he’d been spouting for the last two decades were in fact pure and utter sh*te. At last.

Up to 6.5m different species of animal will have become extinct

This eye-scratching statistic comes from the WWF which also states that: “Scientists have a better understanding of how many stars there are in the galaxy than how many species there are on Earth.”

PandaAnd finally…

The last ever McDonald’s hamburger in Iceland remained in pristine condition a full 81 years after it was flipped.