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8th March 2019
05:48pm GMT
For this experiment, I assembled a small glass, some milk and a can of Pepsi (Max). The motivation behind this first test is to decipher whether Milk Pepsi is a good alternative to Milk Coke. Also, I was deeply curious about the taste.
Despite its chocolatey milk-like appearance, the demon beverage tastes mostly like Pepsi. The fizz is alarming at first, but then comforting. There's no denying that it's an unnatural act. People cannot legally marry their dogs, nor should they be mixing cola with milk. It's ungodly. It's immoral. It is wrong.
Verdict: 1 out of 5. A bizarre experience.
Experiment #2: Berocca Milk
Why the fuck not, right? If we're going to go for it, if we're really going to go for it with this experiment, then this is how it has to be.
I plopped a Berocca tablet into the glass and then poured some milk in on top of it.
As the milk hit the tablet, I was alarmed at the lack of fizzing. Any Berocca connoisseur knows that once a Berocca comes in contact with water, it emits the the sound of a thousand banshees howling into the abyss. For some reason, the milk muffled the noise.
At this point, the Berocca Milk™ fought back. It did not want to suffer a fate as unnatural as this. It began to congeal, rising like a soldier who was presumed dead after a ferocious battle. The Berocca Milk started to look like a cupcake thriving in an oven.
So I stirred it, took a sip and wept. Wept for the state of journalism, wept for humanity, wept for those not brave enough to try Berocca milk, wept for the lengths that I am prepared to go to to prove a point. It was disgusting. Orange, fizzy, vitamin-rich milk.
Verdict: -37 out of 5. An abomination.
Experiment #3: Milk Milk
Pretty simple concept here. I mixed milk (full fat) with milk (low fat). Why? Not a clue, to be quite honest. Just thought it would be funny. Turns out it wasn't.
Verdict: Tasted like milk. Bit boring. 4/5.
Experiment #4: Soy Milk
Get it? Soy milk! Ah we have fun, don't we?
I put soy sauce into the milk. Can't be sure of the exact measurements, just whazzed it in, to borrow a term from my good pal Jamie Oliver.
The milk really didn't want to mingle with the soy sauce. It held the exact form of the splashes, kind of like the initial male/female divide at a school dance. These were a pair that were destined to remain separate.
So I stirred it around and took a tentative gulp of the concoction.
Verdict: 0/5. Salty milk. Absolute tripe.
Experiment #5: Nut Milk
Yeah it was inevitable, wasn't it?
I made some homemade nut milk. This is how I assume it is made, except they use a soup blender thing to mush it all together. 'Them' being the nut milk professionals.
Fun fact: Nuts float in milk!
This was a delicious glass of milk, with added nuts. The crunch was a refreshing addition to an old classic.
Verdict: A confident 5/5. Would consume again.
Experiment #6: Beer Milk
Admittedly a weird flex, but also, okay.
This nonspecific brand of beer is alcohol free because I know better than to start an internet fire by allowing good, wholesome alcohol to go to waste.
While I minimised the damage, I still didn't feel good about this one.
The liquids mixed together far too willingly, like old school friends at the annual Boxing Day drinking session in the local pub. There was no awkwardness, just a genuine interest in catching up.
It tasted like beer. There wasn't much of a milky vibe, but I knew it was involved. If someone blindfolded you and fed you Beer Milk, you would be amazed to learn that it wasn't simply beer in its purest form.
Verdict: 2 out 5. Basically beer, but I cannot allow it to get a decent score.
Experiment #7: Juice Milk
Orange, apple, cranberry, whatever your poison, this one is very simple to make.
What you want to do is simply fill a glass half full (or empty lol) with milk, then top it up with a healthy drop of juice.
In reality, these two did not want to mix. The orange juice left a swirl, as if marking its territory like a very threatening dog. Nothing about this felt right, not even aggressively pouring it down the drain after I took the meekest little mouthful.
Verdict: 0 out of 5. Just immoral.
Experiment #8: Gravy Milk
For some reason, Gravy Milk sounds like it has always existed. The two words just fit together and feel right. Say it out loud right now. Gravy Milk. One pint of Gravy Milk please when you're ready there mate. Extra hot.
Rather than simply adding the gravy powder into a glass of milk, I committed hard to this one. I made some gravy first, then mixed the two. Was that necessary? No. Would it have hampered the results if I half-assed it? No, but I would not have been able to live with myself.
Honestly? If I have to be honest? I didn't hate Gravy Milk. It was interesting. Meaty yet milky, it felt like there should've something to chew on it hidden inside, possibly a sliver of lamb. But still, I wasn't upset drinking it. I? Enjoyed? it?
Verdict: 4 out of 5. I am a sick.
Experiment #9: Banana Milk
Just taking the piss a bit at this stage really. Everything, truly, has gone to pot.
I could've not tasted this one and you would never have known. It would've been my own little secret that I'd have to carry around with me until the day that I die.
But I genuinely tasted it. The banana toppled out of the glass as I raised it to my mouth, flicking milk all over my face and jumper. Of course it did.
I deserved the hassle, but was furious at the time. Still a bit mad now thinking about it again actually.
Verdict: 0 out of 5. Logistical nightmare.
Experiment #10: Linda McCartney Vegetarian Sausage Milk
Yes, inevitably, the only way to finish off this extensive research is with Linda.
Just the picture of stupidity really, isn't it? I took a mouthful, for science. The sausage hadn't yet infused with the milk as it was fresh out of the freezer, so it just tasted like a mouthful of milk.
I realised that the sausage was more of a garnish than a taste enhancer, then felt a great sense of ease with what I had just consumed.
Verdict: 4 out of 5, largely due to the sausage being frozen.
Findings
Milk Coke is an abomination. Pepsi Milk is an abomination. Berocca Milk is extremely an abomination. Milk Milk is good clean fun. Soy Milk is an abomination. Nut Milk is a delight. Beer Milk is an abomination. Juice Milk is an abomination. Gravy Milk is fun to say in a Yorkshire accent. Banana Milk is an abomination. Linda McCartney Vegetarian Sausage Milk is just very funny as a concept. The internet has ruined us all beyond repair.
